Harmony at the Holiday Table: Navigating Disagreements with Grace ~ Denisha Workizer Ep.139

Have you ever dreaded holiday gatherings because you and the people you love have different views on things that are important to you? We want you to look forward to the holidays with your loved ones, so let's get super practical today, as we give you eight ways you can navigate healthy disagreements around the table this holiday season.

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Now, let's look at eight ways you can navigate healthy disagreements around the table this holiday season. 

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Denisha: Have you ever dreaded holiday gatherings because you and the people you love have [00:00:05] different views on things that are important to you? Well, we want you to look [00:00:10] forward to the holidays with your loved ones. So let's get super practical today as we give [00:00:15] you eight ways you can navigate healthy disagreements around the table this holiday [00:00:20] season.

And before we jump into today's episode, it's hard to believe it, but [00:00:25] Christmas is right around the corner and we have designed 17 [00:00:30] brand new pieces of jewelry for you. We have had so much fun. That brings us to [00:00:35] over 70 pieces of inspirational jewelry and journals on our website. [00:00:40] So if you want meaningful presents under the tree, we've got them for you.

Why [00:00:45] not shop and help support a strong women's ministry at the same time? You can find [00:00:50] all of this on our website at reclaimedstory. org. dot com slash shop. [00:00:55] Now let's look at eight ways that you can navigate healthy [00:01:00] disagreements around the table this holiday season. Welcome [00:01:05] to living the reclaim life podcast.

I'm Denisha. We're glad you're here for [00:01:10] conversations that revive hope, inspire healing and encourage you to live a vibrant [00:01:15] life with Christ. So grab a cup of coffee as we chat with today's guest.[00:01:20] 

 Today, we're going to do something a little bit different. [00:02:00] Instead of conversing with a guest, I'm going to share with you how we can have [00:02:05] healthy conversations with people we don't see eye to eye with.

[00:02:10] I'm sure you've noticed that people are divided, and they have strong opinions [00:02:15] about their opinions. And on so many topics, from lighthearted [00:02:20] topics such as our favorite sports teams, to more intense topics, such as [00:02:25] current events, racial justice, social pressure, government policy, [00:02:30] biblical worldviews, we can be divided on an unlimited number of [00:02:35] things.

Not even joking with you, I once observed a [00:02:40] very heated discussion over Miracle Whip versus Best Foods and [00:02:45] which one was the best mayonnaise. Now, I'm not going to name names, but [00:02:50] Wow, and if you're a Hellman Mayo fan, I see you, but I'm [00:02:55] sorry, you were not represented at this particular debate. We see this in [00:03:00] and out of the church, don't we?

Did you know that there are over 45, 000 [00:03:05] different Christian denominations globally? Why is that? [00:03:10] Well, if you look at church history, it can be as simple as one disagreement. [00:03:15] Perhaps we don't like the way you do communion, therefore we're going to go start another [00:03:20] denomination that does communion this way.

There are so many things that we can [00:03:25] be divided about, and I would guess that you've probably even seen church [00:03:30] friends dispute opinions on current events, styles of worship, or [00:03:35] biblical views. Each side with their passions and even scripture to prove the [00:03:40] point as to why their way is the right way. Well, Ephesians 4, [00:03:45] 3 reminds us to make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit [00:03:50] through the bond of peace.

And it would be wonderful to see [00:03:55] disagreements within the church and outside the church be an opportunity to [00:04:00] strengthen that unity rather than fracture one another. You [00:04:05] know, in some ways, we are being groomed for polarization. [00:04:10] If you spend time on social media, did you know that algorithms push you towards people who [00:04:15] think like you do?

And this keeps us in our own echo chambers, [00:04:20] right? The same opinions and voices reverberating off the walls of our comfort [00:04:25] zone. But this Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up, and they [00:04:30] are going to put us at the table with real people. People with different [00:04:35] opinions. Different passions and even worldviews than us.

[00:04:40] People we love, who we may also disagree with. Over the [00:04:45] last two years, I guess it's been, I have heard more and more people [00:04:50] tell me that their families can't gather together around a table for the holidays because [00:04:55] they see things differently. So we have families in different houses [00:05:00] at a time when we're supposed to be together and establishing connection, but they can't [00:05:05] gather together around the table because of disagreements.

And if I'm [00:05:10] honest, that breaks my heart. And so I hope that this podcast [00:05:15] today is helpful for you and perhaps even those you love. So I [00:05:20] want to ask us, how do we want to show up in those moments where we disagree? [00:05:25] Jesus's approach to disagreements was rooted in his love, [00:05:30] forgiveness, and reconciliation.

Jesus engaged in conflict when [00:05:35] necessary, but he always seemed to be aimed to restoring relationships, [00:05:40] and he is our example. It may be helpful to start by [00:05:45] examining our own personal story, and how we tend to respond to conflict [00:05:50] so that when we take steps towards love, forgiveness, and reconciliation, [00:05:55] We can do that at the table this holiday season.

So let's start by [00:06:00] looking at our own unique story and how our personal history plays [00:06:05] in to how we handle conflict today. Have you ever found yourself in a [00:06:10] situation where someone says something and you get unusually angry? Like, [00:06:15] maybe in that moment it feels warranted. But after the fact, maybe you go [00:06:20] home and you're away from the situation and you may have realized, Hmm, maybe [00:06:25] I overreacted a little bit to that.

Maybe on a scale of 1 to 10, their offense was [00:06:30] a 4. But your response was a 9. Have you ever had that happen? [00:06:35] I remember one time I was at the grocery store. Hmm. And there was a [00:06:40] mom who was yelling at probably her three year old daughter. Now, mamas, I don't know [00:06:45] about you, but I just want to say the grocery store with little ones was not my finest [00:06:50] parenting moments, okay?

So there is grace for that. But in this particular [00:06:55] situation, the little girl was being loud. And the mom yelled at her, I want you to [00:07:00] sit there and be quiet. I don't want to hear you. And something in my [00:07:05] body came on alert. It took self control to not go [00:07:10] over and pick that little girl up and hold her. Now, the mom didn't beat her, [00:07:15] didn't do anything crazy in front of me, but I had to leave the aisle because my heart [00:07:20] was racing and I was really upset.

She was stern and obviously [00:07:25] upset as well, but my response to her words to her child? Was an [00:07:30] overreaction. I remember getting home that afternoon and I was still disturbed [00:07:35] about this, but I began to think about why. And then it hit me. [00:07:40] My mom, as many moms said to Generation X children, [00:07:45] you are to be seen and not heard.

Has anybody heard that [00:07:50] before growing up? Well, when this mom said something similar, [00:07:55] right, what did she say? I want you to sit there. Be quiet. I don't want to hear you. [00:08:00] I dove into protection mode to help that little girl. But [00:08:05] really, the little girl that I was protecting was me. You know, our brains are [00:08:10] really funny this way.

God designed our brains to anticipate harm [00:08:15] and to protect at all costs. So someone may say or do [00:08:20] something today that reminds you of a situation from your past. And it [00:08:25] may feel like you are back in that original moment. And this can cause you to respond in the [00:08:30] present as if it were the past. So with that said, our [00:08:35] past experiences, our stories, can play a big role in [00:08:40] how we handle conflict.

So I have a question for you. If [00:08:45] that's true, if our stories play a role in how we handle conflict [00:08:50] today, how we handle and show up for disagreements, When your parents had a [00:08:55] conflict growing up, how did they handle it? Were they [00:09:00] competitive and argued for who was right or wrong? Did they avoid [00:09:05] conflict altogether?

These early experiences can [00:09:10] shape how we handle conflict as adults. And what about your [00:09:15] siblings? Did they compromise and share toys? Did they [00:09:20] sacrifice for the common good? Or did you have that one, or maybe you [00:09:25] were that one, that always gave in to the other's demands to keep the [00:09:30] peace? Our stories teach us a lot.

And it may have taught [00:09:35] us that it's not safe to have conflict with others. Or, it may have taught [00:09:40] us how to have healthy conflict. and that conflict is a normal part of [00:09:45] relationships. Personally, I don't believe that we can have healthy [00:09:50] relationships without disagreements. It's a part of life, and God made each of us [00:09:55] uniquely different.

Psalm 139 shows us that God sees each [00:10:00] person as an individual created in His image for a purpose. We each [00:10:05] have gifts and talents, and we have a role to play in the world that is unlike anyone [00:10:10] else's. We are all inherently valuable and worthy of love and [00:10:15] respect. So how do we handle disagreements and [00:10:20] conflict?

And you might be thinking, okay, Denisha, I get it, right? We, we're gonna [00:10:25] have disagreements. But what do I do when I'm sitting across the table this holiday [00:10:30] season with Aunt Sue and she pushes all my buttons and I am certain she is wrong in [00:10:35] her view about, you name it. What do I do then? [00:10:40] Well, first, I want to tell you there's not one way to do this [00:10:45] right.

But I am going to give you eight tools to consider for when you are [00:10:50] sitting at the table with those that you disagree with. The first thing is [00:10:55] remember that we all have a story. And sometimes they collide, [00:11:00] right? They have a story. You have a story. You have [00:11:05] experiences, thoughts, and opinions. And sometimes when we come together, those [00:11:10] experiences, thoughts, and opinions collide.

And where we sit at the [00:11:15] table determines what we see. So in those moments, I [00:11:20] want to ask you to notice what is happening and take a moment to wonder [00:11:25] what could be the story driving their response, right? [00:11:30] You see, there's always more happening than what we see and what we hear. And sometimes, [00:11:35] the key to this is in what people are not saying.[00:11:40] 

You know, like I chose to evaluate my grocery store experience. You may even [00:11:45] consider pausing and asking yourself, Is there a part of my story that's [00:11:50] driving my response right now? So number one, remember, we [00:11:55] all have a story. And sometimes, they collide. Number [00:12:00] two, maintain humility. Who cares if I am [00:12:05] right and you are wrong?

What if the relationship that we have matters [00:12:10] more than being right? What if we desire connection [00:12:15] over convincing? See, humility acknowledges that we don't have [00:12:20] all the answers and that we can even learn from others. [00:12:25] Maintain humility. Number three, listen [00:12:30] actively. Listen to what the other person is saying.

All too [00:12:35] often, while someone is talking, instead of listening, we are focusing on what we're [00:12:40] gonna say next, right? What is gonna be my response to them to prove myself right? [00:12:45] And when we do that, we're missing out on understanding their perspective. [00:12:50] So I want to encourage you to listen actively, to listen [00:12:55] to what they're saying, understand where they're coming from.

And even if there's a [00:13:00] random moment of silence in your conversation, where then you formulate your [00:13:05] thoughts. That's okay, but let's be people who listen [00:13:10] actively. The fourth thing I want to give you today is to stay curious. [00:13:15] What if we asked questions instead of coming up with [00:13:20] comments? When we engage in disagreements, it is crucial to approach [00:13:25] them with a desire to gain wisdom and understanding.

Thank you for listening. Rather than just [00:13:30] trying to prove our point, Proverbs 3, 13 and 14 reminds us that [00:13:35] those who find wisdom are blessed and gain understanding. So as we [00:13:40] stay curious, we can understand more about the people we're speaking with. [00:13:45] Now, let me give you some questions, right? As you're staying curious, what are some questions [00:13:50] that you can add to your tool belt that can be really simple?

[00:13:55] Maybe someone says something and you can respond. That's interesting. Tell me more [00:14:00] about that. Or, Wow, I can see you are really [00:14:05] passionate about that. When did that begin for you? I want to [00:14:10] encourage us to stay curious, to ask questions. [00:14:15] Number five, let's seek common ground. [00:14:20] Instead of discussing what you disagree with, what would it look like if we [00:14:25] discussed the things that we agree with?

Maybe you're divided on a [00:14:30] topic, but you have a shared value through it all. What if we camp on that thing that we [00:14:35] have in common? An example would be if that aunt was very [00:14:40] passionate about a candidate, and you were equally passionate [00:14:45] about voting for the other. Well, can you camp on the fact that you both [00:14:50] have a shared belief that voting is an important freedom that we each have?[00:14:55] 

There are always ways to find common ground. [00:15:00] Number six, let's pay attention to how we [00:15:05] say things. Because it's not just what we say, but how we [00:15:10] say it. Did you know that 7 percent of meaning is [00:15:15] communicated through the spoken word? 38 percent is our tone of [00:15:20] voice. And 55 percent of what people receive from our [00:15:25] communication is through our body language.

If 7 percent is just [00:15:30] words, 38 percent our tone of voice, how we say it, and [00:15:35] 55 percent is body language, this is something we should pay attention to. [00:15:40] So here's an example. I can have my arms crossed, leaning back [00:15:45] into the couch and say, wow, I can hear you're passionate about that. Tell [00:15:50] me more. Or I can lean forward, take in a [00:15:55] curious posture and say.

Wow, I can hear that you are really [00:16:00] passionate about that. Tell me more. Do you hear the difference? So [00:16:05] let's pay attention to how we say things. Number [00:16:10] seven, let's remain calm and manage our own [00:16:15] emotions. Sometimes somebody can say something like in the grocery [00:16:20] store, right? And I go from a one to an eight.[00:16:25] 

In those moments, what if we remain calm? What if we kind of check [00:16:30] in with ourselves and go, Okay, I'm going to take a deep breath right now because I can feel myself getting [00:16:35] amped up. In those moments, we can remain calm and manage our [00:16:40] emotions. We can take a deep breath and check in with ourselves and ask ourselves, [00:16:45] What do I need to do to stay calm and curious?[00:16:50] 

We can also ask, How can I bring us together right now versus [00:16:55] pushing us apart? Remain calm and manage your own [00:17:00] emotions. Number eight, and this is a big one, you guys, [00:17:05] avoid personal attacks, use gentle and respectful [00:17:10] communication. Ephesians 429 encourages believers to [00:17:15] use words that build each other up and give grace to those who hear.[00:17:20] 

So when you and I are engaging in disagreements, it is important to [00:17:25] communicate respectively and to choose gentle and encouraging words. If we [00:17:30] do this, we ensure that we can have a disagreement. Without personally [00:17:35] wounding the other person. So number eight, avoid personal [00:17:40] attacks. So there are, are eight ways, uh, to [00:17:45] engage in disagreements this holiday season around our tables or anywhere else [00:17:50] we may find ourselves.

If you would like the PDF copy of these eight tools, you can [00:17:55] find it in our show notes, or you can email podcast at reclaim story. [00:18:00] com and we'll send the link to you. So, we just went over [00:18:05] 8 different ways that we can posture ourselves to enter into [00:18:10] disagreements. To give us a mental picture of what this looks like, I want to do an [00:18:15] exercise with you.

And this is going to implement the concepts that we discussed today. [00:18:20] Now, unless you're driving. I want you to imagine someone that is [00:18:25] in your life that you care about, that you may even love, but you disagree with. [00:18:30] I want you to make a fist with your left hand and imagine that you are [00:18:35] holding on to your deeply held convictions in your left hand and hold them [00:18:40] tightly.

Squeeze that hand and feel your commitment to those things. [00:18:45] Now, without letting go of your left hand, extend your right hand [00:18:50] towards your friend. Don't let go of the convictions in your [00:18:55] left hand and don't let go of your handshake with your right. See, [00:19:00] this is the stance that Jesus modeled for us as he defined himself [00:19:05] repeatedly while inviting others to think about their own response to him, all [00:19:10] within relationships of grace.

So I hope that that [00:19:15] gives you a visual of clenching and holding your convictions, but also extending a [00:19:20] hand towards someone that you disagree with. Well, as we wrap [00:19:25] up this episode, it is inevitable that you will encounter [00:19:30] people who have different stories than you do, who believe differently and who [00:19:35] live life differently than you do.

I want to encourage you to [00:19:40] embrace discomfort while being kind to yourself. But [00:19:45] choose how you will engage with someone you disagree with, whether it's at the dining room [00:19:50] table, the soccer field, the grocery store, or at work. [00:19:55] When we embrace discomfort, we may feel a [00:20:00] fire in our belly to challenge those who disagree with us.

[00:20:05] If you choose to engage, I would like to remind us, me included, [00:20:10] what the Lord requires of us. To do that, let's take a look [00:20:15] at Micah 6, 8. In this passage, the Lord is [00:20:20] talking to Israel. Micah 6, 8 says, what does the [00:20:25] Lord require of us? To act justly, to love [00:20:30] mercy, and to walk humbly with our God. So let's [00:20:35] break that down.

To act justly. Many [00:20:40] heated topics today involve serious issues of injustice. [00:20:45] Many are a violation of the plan of God, and we can get hot over it. [00:20:50] You see, we were meant for justice, but there's a tension [00:20:55] between justice and mercy. See, justice says, I [00:21:00] hate this, but mercy says, but I can love those who [00:21:05] I disagree with.

We want justice, but mercy [00:21:10] can be very difficult. So when we disagree with someone, we need to [00:21:15] remember that mercy can open the door to change. [00:21:20] You can speak truth and show mercy. The [00:21:25] balance is an unrelenting invitation for change. [00:21:30] And the reality is our intense passion for justice being lived out [00:21:35] with mercy is more than we can do on our own.

It's hard. [00:21:40] See, we need humility with God in order to live out justice and mercy [00:21:45] together, and we may not always do it right. But friends, [00:21:50] would you keep trying? Would you keep trying? [00:21:55] Pursue justice, yet don't forget your need and the other person's need [00:22:00] for mercy. And let's do it all in humility, hand in hand [00:22:05] with our God.

Thank you for joining us today. I hope these [00:22:10] eight tools will be helpful as you gather around the table this holiday season [00:22:15] with people who may not always agree with you. If you would like the [00:22:20] PDF copy of these eight tools, you can find it in our show notes or you can [00:22:25] email podcast at reclaim story.

com for the link, and we'll send it over to [00:22:30] you. If you found this podcast helpful, please share it with a friend and we [00:22:35] will see you same time, same place in two weeks. Thanks [00:22:40] for listening. I pray you found hope in today's conversation and maybe [00:22:45] even feel a little less alone in your story. Stay connected with us on Facebook and [00:22:50] Instagram at Reclaimed Story.

Want to learn more about living a reclaimed [00:22:55] life and how you can be a part of our growing community of reclaimers? Check out our website [00:23:00] at reclaimedstory. com. All of those links and more will be in the show notes. [00:23:05] And if you enjoyed this inspirational podcast, be sure to subscribe, [00:23:10] rate, and review. Not only will you be the first one to know when new content comes out, [00:23:15] but it is also a huge help in helping us reach more people to live the [00:23:20] reclaimed life.