Seven Primal Questions ~ Mike Foster Ep.136

Have you ever thought about your highest emotional need? That may sound complicated, but what if it were actually pretty simple? Mike Foster is the author of the Seven Primal Questions and it has changed my life. 

Our primal question is the thing underneath the thing that drives everything in our lives. Once you discover it, you can quickly overcome the challenges that have been holding you back. 

Mike Foster’s work has had a profound influence on both my life and career for years, and I’m beyond excited to introduce him to you today. I’m confident that this conversation will be impactful for you as well! 

Mike Foster is known as the Mr. Rogers of personal development, a best-selling author, speaker, and executive coach empowering people to build strong lives by turning their setbacks into superpowers.

He is the creator of the Primal Question Framework, the podcast host of the highly acclaimed “Primal Question Podcast”. His work has been featured on Good Morning America, FOXNews and the New York Times. 

And if being known as the Mr. Rogers of personal development didn’t give it away, he is one of the most genuine, caring, impactful leaders I have ever encountered. I could go on and on, but let’s have you meet Mike for yourself.

Stay Connected with Mike Foster:

https://www.primalquestion.com
Instagram @mikefoster2000

Seven Primal Questions Book on Amazon

If you are interested in discovering your Primal Question or diving deeper into how it is impacting your life, you can get a free one-hour coaching session by emailing podcast@reclaimedstory.com

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Transcript

Transcript is Auto-Generated

[00:00:00] Denisha: Have you ever thought about your highest emotional need? That may sound [00:00:05] complicated, but what if it were actually pretty simple? Mike Foster is the [00:00:10] author of The Seven Primal Questions, and friends, this book has changed my life. [00:00:15] Our primal question is the thing underneath the thing that drives everything in [00:00:20] our lives.

And once we discover it, We can quickly overcome the [00:00:25] challenges that have been holding us back. Mike Foster's work has had such a profound [00:00:30] influence on both my life and career for years. And I am so excited to [00:00:35] introduce him to you today. I am confident that this conversation will be [00:00:40] impactful for you as well.

Before we dive into today's episode with Mike Foster, [00:00:45] we want to give a huge shout out to our sponsors, Tim and Andrea Looney from the Looney [00:00:50] Advantage at Realty Executives, Arizona territory. They've been proudly serving the [00:00:55] Tucson area, helping families buy and sell for over 24 years. with a [00:01:00] special focus on the Houghton Corridor and the Vail School District.

Tucson friends, you [00:01:05] can find them by searching The Looney Advantage on Facebook. Mike [00:01:10] Foster is known as the Mr. Rogers of personal development. A [00:01:15] bestselling author, speaker, and executive coach, empowering people to build strong [00:01:20] lives by turning their setbacks into superpowers. He is the creator [00:01:25] of the Primal Question Framework, the podcast host of the Highly acclaimed Primal [00:01:30] Question podcast.

His work has been featured on Good Morning America, Fox News, and The [00:01:35] New York Times, and it be known as the Mr. Rogers of Personal [00:01:40] Development. Didn't give it away. He is one of the most genuine, caring, [00:01:45] impactful leaders I have ever encountered. And I could go on and on, but let's have [00:01:50] you meet Mike for yourself.

Welcome to Living the Reclaim Life podcast. [00:01:55] I'm Denisha. We're glad you're here for conversations that revive hope, inspire [00:02:00] healing, and encourage you to live a vibrant life with Christ. So grab a cup of [00:02:05] coffee as we chat with today's guest. In addition to all of your [00:02:10] incredible work that has personally changed my life on so many levels, [00:02:15] you get to live in San Diego.

With perfect weather, your wife, Jennifer, and your [00:02:20] fluffy dogs. Mike, welcome. I am absolutely thrilled to have you with us today. 

[00:02:24] Mike: [00:02:25] Oh, I cannot wait to talk with you and dig into [00:02:30] big important life issues, Denisha. I guess I've been looking forward to this for a long time. So glad to [00:02:35] be here.

[00:02:36] Denisha: Thank you. I have too.

And for people who are listening, if you've [00:02:40] been listening for a while, you have definitely heard me quote Mike many times. I have [00:02:45] been anticipating this for probably a year now, since I found out about Primal Questions [00:02:50] and the wait is finally over. You are one of the most generous people that I know.

And I [00:02:55] know that my life has really been impacted by your work. So I'm excited for you to [00:03:00] impact others as well. 

[00:03:01] Mike: Well, thank you. That's very kind of you. And yeah, you know, my whole [00:03:05]life mission is just, I want to help people embrace everything that they are as an [00:03:10] individual and to see their strengths and their gifts, but also to see their blocks and their limiting [00:03:15] beliefs and the things that hold them back.

So I think that's for sure where our conversation is [00:03:20] going to go today. And I'm excited to dig into it. 

[00:03:23] Denisha: Me too. What is [00:03:25] your mission in life? I've heard you say this and I love it. 

[00:03:28] Mike: Well, kind of my [00:03:30] basic mission in life is to blow up environments of denial, [00:03:35] just like Newcomb to say, listen, and whether that's [00:03:40] systems of denial, like we could be an organization that is just living in denial about the [00:03:45] facts about who they are, about how they come across in the community [00:03:50] could be a church living in denial.

I'm working with individuals who. [00:03:55] Unfortunately, through a lot of pain and trauma have learned beliefs [00:04:00] and coping mechanisms and ways of doing life that is just not [00:04:05]accurate or true about them or how the world actually works. And so I [00:04:10] actually believe in the work work that I'm doing and whether I'm writing workshopping coaching, whatever [00:04:15] I'm doing with somebody, it's like, if we can get that person to live in truth, see things as they [00:04:20] are, see things accurately.

That gives us a lot of power in our lives. [00:04:25] Denial on the other hand, is really just us pretending and trying to grasp on the [00:04:30] things that aren't actually going to help us. Design the type of life that we want. And [00:04:35] so we got to blow up the denial and just simply because it's not helpful. Just like blame.

I'm [00:04:40] not interested in blame either because blame doesn't help us. I'm only interested in things [00:04:45] that will drive our growth and drive our joy and drive our [00:04:50] effectiveness. And I can tell you denial and blame are not on the menu. [00:04:55]

[00:04:55] Denisha: Well, isn't that true? It's not always easy, though. I think denial is a place [00:05:00]that we like to live.

Oftentimes, 

[00:05:02] Mike: it's a nice, warm, fuzzy place. I [00:05:05] understand. Yes, but not overly helpful, 

[00:05:07] Denisha: not overly helpful. That's very true. [00:05:10] You have been doing a ton of research in the past. Well, for a long time and [00:05:15] all the work that you've done, but specifically in the past four or five years. Tell us about that [00:05:20] because you really can't live in denial after you've heard and understand [00:05:25] primal questions.

So tell us a little bit about the research you've done. 

[00:05:28] Mike: Past five years, I've been [00:05:30] working on trying to understand what drives us, our core [00:05:35] drivers. What creates the behaviors and choices of our lives? In [00:05:40] this sort of deep dive into the research, over 6, 000 hours of one on one [00:05:45] interviews, we've had 32, 000 assessments.

22 group labs, a [00:05:50] lot of paying attention, a lot of note taking, a lot of [00:05:55] repetition to find really what drives us because I have many [00:06:00] weaknesses, but one of my major weaknesses and flaws is that I'm impatient. [00:06:05] And one of the things that always has bugged me about my own personal development, [00:06:10] or even when I'm working with somebody is that oftentimes the process takes [00:06:15] too long.

I write about this in the book, this whole concept of branches and roots. I think a [00:06:20] lot of times when we're doing personal development things, we're trying to change our lives [00:06:25] or trying to grow or get healthy in our marriage, whatever the. Goal might be that we [00:06:30] tend to work by trimming branches of the tree we're trimming [00:06:35] pruning And certainly that can have some effectiveness, but the problem is those [00:06:40] branches grow back and the problem comes back and so the work that [00:06:45] I do and the research that I put together in terms of the primal question is about Going [00:06:50] towards the roots the roots Understanding the roots, what's creating the branches, what's creating the [00:06:55] tree.

And if we can understand that, that gives us a lot of clarity and a lot of power. [00:07:00] And we don't actually have to go slow at that moment. Okay. Because [00:07:05] trimming branches is, there's a lot of branches. I can tell you, there's a lot of branches of life. Trimming, [00:07:10] trimming this and that, and that's a lot of work.

It's not overly efficient. We're [00:07:15] not dealing with the core issues of our lives. And so if I can get somebody [00:07:20] to Orient around what we refer to as your apex [00:07:25] emotional need to understand what the highest need that you have as [00:07:30] an individual. It's really what I call the center of your emotional solar [00:07:35] system.

It's the sun and every. thing of your life revolves around it. [00:07:40] If we can understand that and how it works, both the positives and [00:07:45] negatives of that core emotional need, how you have designed your entire [00:07:50] life to meet that emotional need, the things that you care about [00:07:55] your mission, your career, how you do parenting, how you do marriage.

If [00:08:00] we just saw, okay, we see the sun. We see the center of the [00:08:05] universe for our lives. It just gives us this clarity and it fast tracks [00:08:10] us to putting into action the actual changes that are going to make a difference. 

[00:08:14] Denisha: [00:08:15] Mike, how do we do that though? I think oftentimes we're so focused on the branches.

We're so focused [00:08:20] on the do's and don'ts and the rules of life. How do we dig deeper? How do we do that? [00:08:25]

[00:08:25] Mike: I think part of the reason why we stay in the branches is that most [00:08:30] systems, most communication, most therapy, most coaching [00:08:35] revolves in the branches. It's sort of how it's been set up over the years.[00:08:40]

And again, there's nothing wrong with like trimming the branches. There's certainly some positive [00:08:45] things about that. But one of the things that I talked about in the book is You know, [00:08:50] too much of whether it's ministry or therapy or coaching or [00:08:55] whatever it is, Bible teaching, we're focused too much on behaviors and behaviors are just the [00:09:00] outcomes of something that is going on deep inside of us.

And so what I [00:09:05] write about in the book is that like, when we think about behaviors. Behavior [00:09:10] modification is one way to create change, but it's sort of an elementary approach. It's [00:09:15] not, I wouldn't say it's a very strategic approach, I think it has a lot of downside, [00:09:20]usually doesn't create the breakthrough that most of us are looking for.

But underneath, so what's [00:09:25] driving behaviors? Well, underneath behaviors is our emotions and our feelings. So emotions and [00:09:30] feelings are driving our behaviors. For example, a simple example, if I'm [00:09:35] feeling anger, you're going to see a particular behavior. You're going to see a particular behavior. [00:09:40] Maybe I'm turning red.

Maybe I'm yelling. Maybe I'm acting really frustrating. [00:09:45] I'm, you know, storming around the house, whatever that emotion is creating a [00:09:50] behavior. And sometimes then we go, well, let's figure out our emotions. If we just like be [00:09:55] emotionally healthy, then that will be the solution to our life. And even, so [00:10:00] let's say behaviors are the branches, the [00:10:05] emotions and feelings, perhaps, Are the trunk of the tree, but there's [00:10:10] something actually driving emotions and feelings.

And this is again the roots [00:10:15] And what's driving emotions and feelings is an unmet need an unmet [00:10:20] need is the starting point of everything It's the french philosopher [00:10:25] Simone wow said that she says that all sins are an attempt to fill a void. [00:10:30] Okay And so maybe what I would say is that all behaviors, choices, [00:10:35] feelings are because there is an unmet need [00:10:40] happening in your life.

Okay? And so everything that we do [00:10:45] is driven by trying to fulfill that need. [00:10:50] Okay? And sometimes we do that in healthy ways, not all the time. In fact, most of the time we [00:10:55] do it in unhealthy ways to get that need met. And so. If we [00:11:00] can get people thinking about, okay. What is the unmet [00:11:05] need in me that's driving this emotion and then driving the behavior versus, [00:11:10] well, let me change the behavior.

Let me stop the emotion. Let's address the unmet need. By [00:11:15] the way, if you're a parent, this is good parenting. If you, a lot of parents go, let me just [00:11:20] change the behavior. Okay. And you get so frustrated as a parent because your little munchkin keeps [00:11:25] doing the same thing over and over again, right? Well, we also know, we're like, Oh, [00:11:30] we don't want little Johnny to be so angry or frustrated.

And [00:11:35] yes, we then we try to change the emotion, but that's not good parenting either. Good parenting [00:11:40] is understanding the unmet need that is driving the whole system. [00:11:45] And so this is a very powerful and somewhat new [00:11:50] way of seeing it. Everything. 

[00:11:53] Denisha: And it really does affect everything [00:11:55] too, doesn't it? 

[00:11:56] Mike: Oh my gosh, it does.

And that's what's so exciting about [00:12:00] the primal question is. It has impact on everything, [00:12:05] and it has the ability, once you understand it, to create massive impact in your life, in your [00:12:10] marriage, in your relationships, in your relationship with yourself. [00:12:15] I mean, it's incredible, but you cannot go there unless you [00:12:20] understand and identify what is the unmet need and get crystal [00:12:25] clear about what's going on there.

[00:12:27] Denisha: About 12 years ago, I was looking back in my journal. [00:12:30] I was a pastor at a church and I had our executive pastor called me in his office, [00:12:35] just a random like Tuesday, I think it was. And I walked in and he [00:12:40] said, Danesha, he said, we love everything you're doing. And he really complimented me a lot. And I was like, [00:12:45] Oh, this feels good.

Right. And he says, you know, we love everything you're doing. You're here late. [00:12:50] You're, you know, motivated. You're doing this, that with volunteers. And he goes, but what we can't [00:12:55]understand. Is what drives you? Like I wanted to [00:13:00] run in that moment. Like I fight or flight kicked in. I felt super exposed. [00:13:05] At that moment.

I didn't know what drove me. That was 12 years ago, and [00:13:10] I don't know what this is right now, but I wanted to get out of his office and just run. I just felt like he was [00:13:15] asking a question that I did not or was not ready. Maybe at the time to dive into [00:13:20] fast forward 12 years as you're talking about this unmet need as you're [00:13:25] talking about these questions.

It wasn't until I read the seven primal questions questions. [00:13:30] That I realized what drove me. And that is 12 years of me thinking, I don't know [00:13:35] why, but I don't ever want somebody to ask me that question again, because there's something [00:13:40] like flawed within me is how I felt in that moment, but what I've come to realize [00:13:45] as you're digging deep into that unmet need, what I've come to realize is that's exactly what [00:13:50] that was.

What drove me was my primal question. And what drove me was that [00:13:55] unmet need of wondering if I had purpose. So I was [00:14:00] overworking. I was doing all of these things. And so I relate so personally to [00:14:05] what you were saying with that. How did you take this framework [00:14:10] from what drives us? What is the unmet need in our hearts?

How did you make it so [00:14:15] simple? That's a great question. That's a really good [00:14:20]

[00:14:20] Mike: question because What we're talking about perhaps [00:14:25] sounds simple, but there are so many moving parts and so much [00:14:30] complexity behind the model, just as my, I have a fault in [00:14:35] wanting things to move faster and I'm impatient, I also am anti [00:14:40]complexity.

And here's why I'm anti complexity because when we introduce [00:14:45] complexity to our lives, especially when it comes to personal growth or making changes. [00:14:50] We are setting up a model that just isn't going to work for somebody. [00:14:55] Simple models have the ability to actually work [00:15:00] and propel a person forward. The more complexity or the more steps you [00:15:05] add to something, the more likelihood That person is not going to [00:15:10] engage with the model and is not, it is not going to work for them.

I mean, this is a [00:15:15] marketing study and research, but I think it's called the jam experience or the jelly [00:15:20] experience where if you give people the option between two [00:15:25] jams, either apricot or strawberry jam, they'll make a decision. They'll [00:15:30] choose one or the other. But if you add a third jam in there, [00:15:35] apricot, strawberry, and grape, then what happens is the [00:15:40]likelihood of people not choosing any jam in the store goes significantly [00:15:45] higher.

And that's just by adding one additional variable. So. A lot of [00:15:50] times, and some of your listeners have probably experienced this, where you have this [00:15:55] desire, well, to get, to buy jam, okay, whatever, whatever the jam is in [00:16:00] your life, I want a new jam here. But there's so many layers and so many [00:16:05] steps and so many things to consider that all of a sudden you just make, you don't make any [00:16:10] choice.

You don't make it, you're like, I can't do that. Or you engage [00:16:15] in the change that you want to see. And it's not [00:16:20] sustainable because it's too complicated. And so simplicity is really [00:16:25] important. And that's why. Primal question at its heart is very [00:16:30] simple and repeatable and understandable because human [00:16:35] psychology and people are not simple people.

They're not simple [00:16:40] entities. They're very complex. And so I'm really interested in equipping [00:16:45] and empowering people with simple language. Most of the questions, I always say this, the seven [00:16:50] questions, the seven primal questions is language that a child would use. [00:16:55]Okay. It's not language of adults. It's not language of psychology.[00:17:00]

It's not language of professionalism. It's actually language that [00:17:05] a child would use this language. Am I safe? Am I loved? [00:17:10] Am I wanted? These are very basic concepts and basic [00:17:15] language because that's It's important to the model because Dinesh, as you know, most [00:17:20] of all of the stuff that we're dealing with in terms of that unmet need goes back [00:17:25] to early childhood.

And that's what the research shows is that we are imprinted with our [00:17:30] primal question in our early childhood. And it's basically a question that went [00:17:35] unanswered or was confusing. To us. And so we just [00:17:40] continually ask the question. And so again, human beings are [00:17:45]complex, but personal growth and change doesn't have to be.

[00:17:49] Denisha: Can you go [00:17:50] over the seven primal questions and what each of them mean for our lives? [00:17:55]

[00:17:55] Mike: Yeah, absolutely. So when I was started the research and started working [00:18:00]and interviewing people around kind of their core apex emotional need, [00:18:05] it started with just allowing the individual to [00:18:10] choose the question I asked them was, is there a question?

[00:18:15] Subconscious question that is driving your life right now, like at [00:18:20] the very root, like go as subterranean as possible into the deepest parts of [00:18:25] who you are and what is the question that you keep asking. And so I [00:18:30] got. Hundreds of difference of answers. A lot of times there'd be, you know, the [00:18:35] same hundreds of questions, narrowed them down to 12, then narrowed them [00:18:40] down to nine, and then narrowed it down to seven.

And basically these seven [00:18:45] questions represent the seven core needs of [00:18:50] human beings. Okay, so we're all going to have parts of these questions within us. But there's [00:18:55] one question or one apex emotional need that drives. everything. [00:19:00] So question number one is the question of am I safe? And this is the [00:19:05] question that deals with protection, physical security and [00:19:10] safety.

These folks tend to have grown up and been imprinted with this question [00:19:15] because there was a lot of chaos in their early childhood. Sometimes abuse, [00:19:20] trauma will imprint this particular question. And so [00:19:25] Well, we would say then for the person who has primal question one, am I safe is that [00:19:30] your core apex emotional need is [00:19:35] safety.

Okay. And when safety is unmet in [00:19:40] you, you are going to do whatever it takes. [00:19:45] To make sure that need is met. Okay, and that's what we call the scramble [00:19:50] in the model So when you get a no to your primal question, am I safe? No, you're [00:19:55] not you experience something in society I don't know covid, you know There's a [00:20:00] person that is doing things that are unpredictable or chaotic.

This person [00:20:05] feels unsafe. They're You could be at a job, a workplace where you don't feel very safe [00:20:10] in your job. And you feel like you're always going to get fired because the company's not [00:20:15] communicating very well. There's just this lack of safety. And so. What we [00:20:20] do is we go into our scramble and the scramble is all the ways that we force the answer [00:20:25] back to a yes.

Okay, well, this is my primal question, my [00:20:30] personal primal question. And the reason why I have that question is because there's [00:20:35] abuse in my early childhood, trauma. And so one of the ways that [00:20:40] I force that answer back to a yes is through hypervigilance. [00:20:45] and hyper control. And so I'm always thinking about how to [00:20:50] exert control over things.

And I do this through research, trying to predict [00:20:55] everything that might go wrong in a situation. You know, when I go out to eat, I'm [00:21:00] always looking where the exits are, just in case there's a fire or a shooter, I have to get [00:21:05] out. This is the way a Q1, Primal Question 1 thinks [00:21:10] about life. It's through the lens of safety.

And so the [00:21:15] scramble is just a way for us to get that need met. And there's parts of the scramble that can actually [00:21:20] be healthy, but there's parts of the scramble that usually look like [00:21:25] really destructive coping mechanisms that don't serve us very well. So that's Question [00:21:30] 1. Question two is, am I secure?

And this has to do with financial security. [00:21:35] Typically people who grew up in homes that, you know, money was tight. There wasn't mom and [00:21:40] dad were arguing about the bills. You grow up, you know, most of these questions are not [00:21:45] necessarily trauma related, they can be like very. Potent [00:21:50] experiences that we have.

The way I like to describe it is there's something in the emotional ecosystem of your [00:21:55] family that you were experiencing that created some confusion, [00:22:00] or it felt like a no to this particular need. So question two, primal question [00:22:05] two, am I secure? It just could be like mom and dad argued a lot about the bills.

It may have nothing to [00:22:10] do with you, or perhaps there's just a simple conversation like Christmas is going to be smaller this year. [00:22:15] Cause dad lost his job. Okay, it's these experiences and [00:22:20] it's just kids trying to make sense of the world and something got off in that [00:22:25]connection and something got confused.

And so now a child is wondering [00:22:30] whether we have enough money and are we going to be evicted from our [00:22:35] place? Are we going to be out on the streets again? All the confusion that comes with kids trying to figure [00:22:40] out And so now you take this into your, this question, am I [00:22:45] secure into your adult life and you're super focused on money.[00:22:50]

You could be very, you know, you're like the cut and coupons all the time. [00:22:55] A great story that around this. And the last question was Bob Hope, who was his famous entertainer, [00:23:00] one of the richest entertainers ever to live. Incredibly [00:23:05] wealthy, incredibly financially set, but he grew up in a home where it [00:23:10] was financially challenging.

Parents immigrated to the U. S. There [00:23:15] was a lot of financial strife, and Bob Hope, [00:23:20]who's the richest entertainer in the world, was often seen shopping [00:23:25] at flea markets and pawn shops to get clothing and items [00:23:30] because he did not want to spend a lot of money on certain things. [00:23:35] Okay. This whole idea of like financial frugality [00:23:40] is just in your system because again, you do not want to run out [00:23:45] of money.

You do not want to have enough resource to secure yourself. Question [00:23:50] three, am I loved? Basically, this is the need to feel seen and [00:23:55] known. These people tend to be incredible people because they just understand [00:24:00] what it's like to feel loved, to need love. Love is sort of the [00:24:05] defining way of how they go about their lives.

And when they don't feel [00:24:10] loved, they tend to, Drop into codependency. They tend to drop [00:24:15] into people pleasing. They tend to settle for [00:24:20] sloppy seconds in their romantic relationships, just because maybe this person is [00:24:25] giving you a yes to the am I loved question, but it's maybe not really healthy, [00:24:30] mature love that you're getting.

So. That's question [00:24:35] three. Question four, am I wanted this is around belonging connection. I [00:24:40] would say like, if you're in a marriage, you need to know your spouse's primal [00:24:45]question. This is a really important one. I was actually just with a couple last week and we're doing some work [00:24:50] around the primal question.

And the big, she had the primal question of, [00:24:55] am I wanted. And he was not doing a very good job of pursuing her. [00:25:00] Okay. And pursuits a big one for you want to meet that unmet need. [00:25:05] Pursuit. That's how you say yes to an am I wanted person, but if you're not doing that, [00:25:10] if you're not clearly doing that in your relationship, then that's going to feel like a no, and [00:25:15] then you're going to have a relationship with your spouse's scramble instead of a relationship with your [00:25:20] spouse.

Question five, am I successful? This is typically people grew up in homes where [00:25:25] achievement and there was a scoreboard. Okay, there's a scoreboard in your family. [00:25:30] There's about winning and losing. And some wires got crossed in [00:25:35] terms of what success look like. And so now you're constantly wondering whether you're [00:25:40] successful or not.

And this idea of success drives your life. It is at the [00:25:45] center of your universe. Failure is not an option for these people. Kobe [00:25:50] Bryant's a good example of a Q5. Michael Jordan, Tom Brady. It's [00:25:55] where winning is everything. And certainly there's some upsides to [00:26:00] that approach, but there's certainly some downsides to that approach to that.

We need to be aware [00:26:05] of question six. Am I good enough? This has to do with value being sort of a lot of people struggle [00:26:10] with just feeling a sense of, but they're not enough that they're flawed, that these [00:26:15] people tend to struggle with a lot of shame. And that's because there's an early childhood imprint [00:26:20] of a lot of judgment, a lot of critiquing.

The other way to think about is maybe mom, um, [00:26:25] Was always kind of pestering you about your dress and what you wore to school. [00:26:30] Maybe dad was sort of negative towards the type of people that you hung out with. You just got [00:26:35] this criticism, the constant criticism. And so you get imprinted with the question, am I good [00:26:40] enough?

Question seven, which is your question is, do I have [00:26:45] purpose? And this is around really impact and what will [00:26:50] send Q sevens into their scramble is feeling like they're not doing [00:26:55] things that matter, doing things that feel insignificant. And [00:27:00] so they tend to be visionaries. They tend to think in big ideas.

[00:27:05] They make a lot of impact wherever they are, whether it's family, their [00:27:10]neighborhood, their workplace. But they're friends or just impact players because it's [00:27:15] all around purpose and impact and doing something significant. So those are the seven [00:27:20] questions 

[00:27:20] Denisha: as you're listening through those, Mike, when you got to seven, you start describing seven.

My [00:27:25] heart started pounding a little bit. I'm like, yes, yes, 

[00:27:29] Mike: yes. [00:27:30]

[00:27:30] Denisha: There's so many people I know that I've worked with that when you talk about the seven different [00:27:35] questions, there is one or sometimes two, but one really that kind of goes, Oh, I think [00:27:40] that's my question. And I could feel it even just my heart pounding as you were saying that I'm like, yes, [00:27:45] and back.

Yes. Let's go do this. Yes. 

[00:27:47] Mike: Yes. Embrace that too. Right. [00:27:50] If that resonates with you, embrace it because it is the thing that is [00:27:55] wanting your attention. It is the thing that thing that is like been calling out to you for [00:28:00] some of us decades and saying, will you please meet this need? Will you please tend [00:28:05] to this need in a healthy way?

It's like, I don't necessarily like the fact that I [00:28:10] have the need for safety. You know, like this isn't something that as an [00:28:15] American male, you want to have safety as your need, but I would be a [00:28:20] fool to try to think that it wasn't the thing that's driving my life. [00:28:25] So, let's embrace whatever that thing is that you feel that energy [00:28:30] around, and let's utilize it, let's tend to it, and then let's [00:28:35] see how we might utilize it in a really powerful way in our lives.

[00:28:39] Denisha: I love [00:28:40] all of this. Everything you're saying just is so resonates. It does. I know you've said it, you turn [00:28:45] up the lights and you blow away the fog of things that questions you've been asking for decades in your [00:28:50] life. A couple of months ago, I got to teach primal questions to about [00:28:55] 200 women at a conference.

And one of the things I had a couple ladies, [00:29:00] actually, after the first night we introduced it, we had them take the primal question quiz, which we'll [00:29:05] talk about. And when they found out their primal question, several ladies came up to me. One, I [00:29:10] remember specifically came up and said, you know, last night I was mad at you.

And [00:29:15] I thought, Oh, I said, that's okay. How do you feel today? Yes. They [00:29:20]discovered that question. What is that? What are we experiencing in that moment? When my executive [00:29:25] pastor said, what drives you? And I felt this exposure when we say your [00:29:30] primal question, Mike is, am I safe? Denisha yours is, do I have purpose?[00:29:35]

What is that that we're experiencing when we experience a little bit of exposure, a [00:29:40] little bit of hesitation to really embrace our question. What is that moment? [00:29:45]

[00:29:45] Mike: When I'm working with clients, I always encourage them to pay attention to the [00:29:50] resistance. Okay, because what resistance is showing is a protected [00:29:55] place.

Okay. It's something that woman was mad at you at the [00:30:00] conference, Denisha. It's you had walked into a territory of her heart [00:30:05] that she had kept off limits probably for a [00:30:10] very long time. She doesn't give access to that part of her and here you [00:30:15] are. In your amazing presentation talking about these amazing concepts [00:30:20] You entered into that place and it's like no I need to push you out.[00:30:25]

I need to get you out of here Because that is actually the place of [00:30:30] transformation That is the place of like and transformation is risk [00:30:35] transformation can be very scary And I think for you when you were sitting in that office [00:30:40] That was a question that got into that really that sacred [00:30:45] place of you because it's the deepest part of you.

It's almost like the anchor point for your [00:30:50] identity and how you see the world. And so we figured out some really good ways to [00:30:55] protect that place. Okay. Some of us just like deny it. We deny the [00:31:00] need. It's like me going, I don't want safety to be my apex [00:31:05] emotional need, but here we are. I can deny it all I want, or I can embrace it, [00:31:10] get language for it and be empowered around it versus sort of defensive.[00:31:15]

[00:31:15] Denisha: You explain that so well. As we're learning our primal question and we're trying to [00:31:20] understand the world, right? We're trying to understand what does this mean? When we take assessments [00:31:25] or questions and we learn something new about ourselves, sometimes it can come and feel like it [00:31:30] comes with a list of to dos.

One of the many things that I love about primal questions [00:31:35] is you have flipped that. To where our question, that same question that [00:31:40] I have, do I have purpose in the last five years that we've been a ministry with reclaimed [00:31:45] story, we've helped start seven other ministries. And it's not because I knew [00:31:50] what I was doing really well.

It's because my primal question is, do I have purpose? [00:31:55] So if you show me a glimmer of excitement about something in your life that you want to pursue, man, I will [00:32:00] help you do it. We're going to go achieve purpose together. And so I love that you [00:32:05] Explain in your book so well about how we take our question and put it up over other [00:32:10] people.

There's being safety, right? And what are you doing? You're a [00:32:15] counselor, an executive coach. I think you said that people kind of spill their deepest, darkest things [00:32:20] to you in the first five minutes because you create that environment around you that is safe. [00:32:25] How does our question become our superpower?

[00:32:29] Mike: This is really, [00:32:30] really important to me. And I really want your listeners to understand this to have a [00:32:35] primal question. Doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. It actually means there's something right [00:32:40] with you. Okay. The problem is. For us not to understand our [00:32:45] primal question and really the bigger problem is the scramble the unhealthy [00:32:50] ways that we go about trying to meet that need the need is that within the need that [00:32:55] you have lies this incredible superpower.

And here's what the research [00:33:00] shows is that we take our question and we put it or everybody else in the world and assume that [00:33:05] they are asking the exact same primal question as we are. And so we have [00:33:10] become experts in answering our own primal question [00:33:15] with a yes for other people. I'll give you an example.

So Denisha, you would [00:33:20] take your primal question of, do I have purpose? And you'd put it over everybody else [00:33:25] and you are going to attune and connect and have [00:33:30]conversations and affirm Purpose in other people [00:33:35] all the way to like, I'm going to help you launch an impactful [00:33:40] meaningful New ministry. Okay That's just how you're wired to help people.

[00:33:45] It's what I refer to in the book as your primal gift So my primal gift is [00:33:50] safety. Okay, so I see everybody with the question. Am I safe now, by the way? Everybody has [00:33:55] their own primal question, and sometimes it is our same primal question, but a lot of times it's not. There are six other [00:34:00] questions besides our own, right?

But I'm always going to attune to [00:34:05] people's safety. I make sure that they feel comfortable, make sure that they feel empowered and in [00:34:10] control. Like one of the things I'm always Encouraging and telling people like you have the [00:34:15] accelerator and the break. That's something I say all the time in coaching or in doing a group [00:34:20] exercise.

You have the accelerator and break. That's exactly what a Q1 would say. I [00:34:25] want to remind you, I want to say that we're going to go as fast or slow as you want on this. But I [00:34:30] am always thinking about how to help people feel safe and protected. [00:34:35] And the superpower that comes from that is. Two things. Number one, people do tell me [00:34:40] things all the time that they wouldn't tell anybody else because they feel safe and protected.

The [00:34:45] other gift that comes out of that with the Q1s is they're great [00:34:50] at predicting risk. Okay. So for example, let's say there's [00:34:55] tons of Q7s on your team. All right. And Q7s are wired, like, [00:35:00] let's go change the world. Okay. There's nothing we can't do the vision. [00:35:05] Like that's just the way you approach it. Well, that is a beautiful contribution in terms of a [00:35:10] strategy meeting.

Okay. But you might want to have a Q1 they're saying, okay, [00:35:15] have we thought about what could go wrong here? And not in sort of this negative [00:35:20] Nancy way, but a healthy consideration to some of the risks. And let's have that part of [00:35:25] the discussion too. And so every question comes with a powerful gift [00:35:30] and a contribution that that person makes around their emotionally.

Another way to say this [00:35:35] in terms of the primal gift, what I need most is the thing that I give away. 

[00:35:39] Denisha: Oh, 

[00:35:39] Mike: that's 

[00:35:39] Denisha: [00:35:40] good. Yeah. It's so funny that you just said Q1 [00:35:45] and negative Nancy, our director of operations here. Her name is Nancy, [00:35:50] and she is a Q1. And let me tell you, when we began [00:35:55] working together, And applying our primal questions.

I'm a seven. She's a one. [00:36:00] And you've taught that the furthest your questions are from each other, the more different [00:36:05] you are, right? Yeah.

[00:36:06] Mike: So more difficulty to understand that need, right? Yes. 

[00:36:09] Denisha: Like twos [00:36:10] and threes can, you know, understand a little bit more. Well, Nancy's a one and I'm a seven. So I do, I want to go [00:36:15] change the world.

And she jokes that I just have to make sure that you don't make our [00:36:20] bank password, your dog's name, like she gets in charge of. HR. [00:36:25] She's in charge of all the legal stuff that the ministry has. There were times when I want to go [00:36:30] change the world and I would scare her. And her scramble was to pull me back and [00:36:35] tell me no.

And I would say, I feel like I'm chained to my desk right now. And when we knew our [00:36:40] primal question, just our working relationship became so much better. And now [00:36:45] I really appreciate. When she puts the brakes on in my, you know, visionary part, and she [00:36:50] now is starting, I think I can speak for her starting to appreciate the visionary and the [00:36:55] impact driven part of me.

And that is so true in marriages in [00:37:00] parenting, right? I'm going to think my kids, I have to be careful. One of my sons came [00:37:05] back from work and said, mom, today was such a great day at work. And he said, we got so [00:37:10] much done. Well, he's a five. Okay. So am I successful? And [00:37:15] my seven wanted to go, yes, you go do more, right?

You can do [00:37:20] more. You're breaking goals and records at work. But I know now that, cause I [00:37:25] understand the primal questions, right? Sitting underneath you as a mentor. That his five, if I [00:37:30] pull out my seven and tell him he has purpose and he needs to go, I'm going to push him [00:37:35] more to be successful. I'm going to push him to break that record the next day, which isn't [00:37:40] bad.

But what I'm learning to do, I have four kids, all different questions, by the way. And I'm learning [00:37:45] to, instead of that, I go, that is so awesome. How are you going to celebrate that? Because as a [00:37:50] five, he wants to drive forward. It doesn't always stop to celebrate his. 

[00:37:54] Mike: That's correct. [00:37:55]

[00:37:55] Denisha: There's so many benefits to understanding our primal questions.

Mike, when you were [00:38:00] talking about superpowers, I have to tell you, I don't think I've shared this with you off the podcast, but [00:38:05] one of the moments that I love the most about that conference that I got to do was we gave [00:38:10] everybody capes like superhero, full size, neck to floor [00:38:15] capes. And then we talked about our superpower.

We had the women in the [00:38:20] session just before we had them open the bag that's been underneath their table with these capes. Everybody wanted to [00:38:25] know what was in the bag, but we had them write down what their superpower was. And [00:38:30] so we took their, am I safe? And said, I am safe. Those ladies [00:38:35] that were asking, am I loved?

They were able to say, I am loved and I [00:38:40] create environments where people feel loved 

[00:38:43] Mike: and they 

[00:38:43] Denisha: wrote this out [00:38:45] each woman and one of my favorite moments was standing on the side of the stage. We had [00:38:50] them declare their superpower. So what they wrote in one session, we had them read it to [00:38:55] another woman. At their table.

And then as they read, you know, I am [00:39:00] loved and I create environments that makes other people feel loved. Then the other [00:39:05] woman put the cape on them. And what I saw, it was the best moment. 200 [00:39:10] women. It was awesome. So fun. What I love though, is that I saw a lot of women [00:39:15] trying to hide their little card with their superpower on it.

I saw a lot of women [00:39:20] tucking it in their purse. Like I'm not going to participate in this. And there were some other women at the table [00:39:25] that said, no, no, no, come back. Let's do this. Come here. Where's your superpower. And Mike, as [00:39:30] they read it, I watched their posture come up a couple inches. I watched their head get a [00:39:35] little bit taller as somebody put a cape on them, acknowledging the gifts that God [00:39:40] has given them.

And also we did call it the seven yeses. And we really [00:39:45] acknowledge that Jesus answers all seven of those questions with a [00:39:50] firm yes. 

[00:39:51] Mike: And 

[00:39:51] Denisha: so I really believe this work is so life changing. I know it's [00:39:55] changed my life in so many ways from parenting to relationships, and I've seen it in the [00:40:00] women that I'm coaching.

I've seen it in the women from the conference, this work that [00:40:05] you have put 6, 000 hours into so many years of your life really is [00:40:10] making an impact out there in so many ways. 

[00:40:13] Mike: Well, thank you. You [00:40:15] described perfectly what this is all about, the transformational [00:40:20] moments, the moving from You know, trying to tuck our [00:40:25]superpower into our purse versus pulling it out and owning it and putting on our cape.

And [00:40:30] that's why you're coaching with your clients is so powerful because it's [00:40:35] one thing to understand something. To have what I just call a revelation moment where we [00:40:40] like the lights come on. It's like, Oh, wow. Okay. I think that's 20 percent of the [00:40:45] process. Okay, the revelation and awareness, but what you're talking [00:40:50] about and what's happening happened at the conference and also What [00:40:55] happens in the ongoing coaching work that you do with your clients is now [00:41:00] what okay?

Because if I simply know something and have that awareness, it's [00:41:05] not enough The primal question is offering this incredible invitation to you as an individual [00:41:10] Do you want to see what's on the other side and [00:41:15] for us to lean into that to get coaching to [00:41:20] continue these conversations to be challenged like you can put that card back in your purse, [00:41:25] or you can move into the discomfort of just owning what is actually true of you.[00:41:30]

That's what good coaching does. That's Denisha, what I know you're doing with your clients is moving [00:41:35] them from this place of revelation to application. And it is in the [00:41:40] application where the fun really starts. 

[00:41:43] Denisha: That's so true. That [00:41:45] now what question is exactly, it was about a year ago when I came across your [00:41:50] book and you've probably been one of The top three most [00:41:55] impactful leaders in my life, just from a distance.

And back to the [00:42:00] days of people of the second chance rescue Academy. When I worked at church, I ran [00:42:05] all of our volunteers through rescue Academy. You know, sometimes we say [00:42:10] dumb things and we just taught you to just really help hurting [00:42:15] people. And so to this day, fast forward, I think it's been eight years or [00:42:20] so.

Even our ministry. Now, all of our volunteers go through rescue Academy. So I have been [00:42:25]following you. You have had an impact in my life for a really long time. But when I got a hold [00:42:30] of The seven primal questions. And then I got an email from you [00:42:35] that said, Hey, if you want to be a coach, why was I already coaching for three years, I've been coaching with [00:42:40]different organizations, but never really have promoted it as a one on one and [00:42:45] it was trauma informed, but when I got ahold of seven primal questions and then you said, Hey, come [00:42:50] hang out with me for four hours a week, I thought, yes, I am here for this, so I was so [00:42:55] excited just to sit underneath you and learn more about the primal questions.

And so. Thank you for [00:43:00] offering also your certification program. Mm-Hmm. because that has been such a tool [00:43:05] in our ministry here at Reclaim story in our toolbox to be able to help people go through the [00:43:10] assessment, go through, like you said, the application, the work of it, and it's really [00:43:15] fun. It doesn't have to be scary.

I'm no longer afraid if someone says, what drives you? I'm like, let me tell you. Let me tell you [00:43:20]

[00:43:21] Mike: exactly. 

[00:43:21] Denisha: Here's the question that drives me so. All of that, [00:43:25] Mike, thank you. Thank you for what you've put out in the world. Thank you for deploying your superpower [00:43:30]out in the world, because it's really made a difference in my life.

And this is such a moment for [00:43:35] me to share you personally with our listeners as I've been working kind of behind the [00:43:40] scenes since January with you and your team and getting certified as a Primal Question Coach. So I get [00:43:45] to add that to my toolbox, both personally in my business in Reclaim Story. [00:43:50]

[00:43:50] Mike: And you are a fantastic coach, Tanisha.

There's lots of different people in the program. [00:43:55] There's lots of different coaches out there. You have this incredible ability. I [00:44:00] think you hold that space for just credible empathy and love and [00:44:05] great listening heart, right? But the other part of it is that. [00:44:10] Strategy application. That's that visionary part of you [00:44:15] is being able to see like the way forward for people and help [00:44:20] bring that forth in terms of a coaching session.

And I know your [00:44:25] clients would say this about you. Maybe I should become one of your clients. They're lucky to work with you. [00:44:30] And you're so gifted and talented at this. And I love the fact [00:44:35] that you have this additional part of your [00:44:40] coaching that you work now with clients and helping them understand their primal [00:44:45] question.

And yeah, I just love that you were a part of the certification [00:44:50] program. 

[00:44:50] Denisha: Well, thank you for building the road that we got to star walking town. [00:44:55]It's been an amazing experience. Well, Mike, I know people are going, what is my [00:45:00] question? How do I find this out? Where can I get this book? Tell us, how do we find Mike Foster [00:45:05] off of this podcast?

[00:45:06] Mike: Easiest step is primal question. com, which is our website. [00:45:10] And on the website, the assessment is there. You can take the assessment. It [00:45:15] takes about five minutes. If you haven't discovered what your primal question is, there's a little coaching video that you'll get at the [00:45:20] end, a little report. So.

Primalquestion. com. There's also some other resources, [00:45:25] videos about how Primal Question impacts romantic relationships, parenting, [00:45:30] you know, some courses there that if you're interested in pursuing the subject further. And then I guess the [00:45:35] second part would be amazon. com. Pick up a copy of the book. If [00:45:40] you've enjoyed this conversation, you've been intrigued by The concept.

It's a very [00:45:45] easy, simple read. Again, my core value of anti [00:45:50] complexity. I've written an anti complex book. So it's a very easy read. [00:45:55] And by the way, if you have read the book, if you already got the book, I always ask people to leave a [00:46:00] review because that's the best way that you can support this work is telling other people about it.

[00:46:05] So Amazon reviews are super helpful to what we're doing around here. 

[00:46:09] Denisha: Oh, [00:46:10] so good. And I know a lot of our listeners will have gotten the book from the conference, so that's awesome. [00:46:15] And we can also find you put some really rich content out on Instagram. So Mike Foster, [00:46:20] 2000. 

[00:46:21] Mike: Mike Foster, 2000. That's right.

And it's the only, I [00:46:25] guess, Instagram posts to my Facebook page, but I'm never on Facebook. I'm just on Instagram. So [00:46:30] that's a great way to connect with me too. Mike Foster, 2000 on Instagram. 

[00:46:34] Denisha: Oh, Mike. [00:46:35] Thank you so much for your time today for giving us the gift of your time and all [00:46:40] of the work that you've done.

We really appreciate you. Thank you. Thanks, 

[00:46:42] Mike: Danesha. It's been a pleasure to be with you [00:46:45] today. 

[00:46:45] Denisha: What an impactful conversation. If you would like to take the next [00:46:50] steps in discovering your primal question or diving deeper through primal question [00:46:55] coaching, you can email us at podcast at reclaimed story.

[00:47:00] com. Thanks for listening. I pray you found hope in [00:47:05] today's conversation and maybe even feel a little less alone in your story. [00:47:10] Stay connected with us on Facebook and Instagram at reclaimed story. [00:47:15] Want to learn more about living a reclaimed life and how you can be a part of our growing [00:47:20] community of reclaimers?

Check out our website at reclaimedstory. com. [00:47:25] All of those links and more will be in the show notes. And if you enjoyed this inspirational [00:47:30] podcast, be sure to subscribe, rate, and review. Not only will you be the [00:47:35] first one to know when new content comes out, but it is also a huge help in helping [00:47:40] us reach more people to live the reclaimed [00:47:45] life.