After Some Time ~ Solé Wright Ep. 127

Do you feel trapped in a cycle of shame or secrecy, believing  “no one will understand what you have been through” Or maybe you have thought, "If they only knew?"

You are not alone. We have found that many of the things we struggle with today actually began generations before us in our families. Dysfunction and wounding often get passed down like family heirlooms. By pursuing healing for yourself, you are bringing healing to future generations... It didn't start with you, but It can end with you.

We welcome  Solé Wright, author of After Some Time, to the podcast. We believe this conversation will be thought-provoking and empower you to break cycles in your life. 

You can purchase After Some Time on Amazon here>> https://amzn.to/3JZgtAO Stay connected with Solé at https://www.solewright.com

Are you prepared to take the next stage of your healing journey? This August marks the 2024 launch of our online Reclaimed Life Groups. Dive into Susan Habeggers's transformative work, "A New Song," with our intensive 12-week course guided by certified coaches and mental health professionals. Join a supportive community of women on their healing paths. For further details, sign up on our waitlist at reclaimedstory.com OR reach out via email at connect@reclaimedstory.com. Remember, you're never alone; a community of women stands ready to walk with you through each step you take toward healing.

Here are two FREE Ebooks for you!
1. Shame Off You: 10 steps to shattering shame in your life, HERE.
2. ABC's: CLICK HERE for a FREE E-book to help you combat lies and replace them with God's truth. For more encouragement, check out some of our offerings at www.reclaimedstory.com

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Transcript

LRL Ep 127 Final Audio

[00:00:00] Denisha: Have you ever felt trapped in a cycle of shame or secrecy, [00:00:05] believing that no one would understand what you've been through? Or maybe you thought [00:00:10] if they only knew you were not alone. We have found that many of the things we [00:00:15] struggle with today actually began generations before us in our families.[00:00:20]

Dysfunction and wounding often get passed down like family [00:00:25] heirlooms. But by pursuing healing for yourself, you are bringing healing [00:00:30] to future generations. It didn't start with you, but it [00:00:35] can end with you. Today we welcome Soleil Wright, author of After Some [00:00:40]Time to the podcast, and we believe that this conversation will be thought provoking and [00:00:45]empower you to break cycles in your life.

Are you prepared to [00:00:50] take the next step in your healing journey? This August marks the [00:00:55] 2024 launch of our online Reclaimed Life groups as we dive into Susan Habegger's [00:01:00] transformative work, A New Song, with our intensive 12 week course [00:01:05] guided by certified coaches and mental health professionals. You can join a support team.

[00:01:10] of women on their own heal further details, [00:01:15] sign up at reclaim story dot com at [00:01:20] connect at reclaim stor that you're never alone. [00:01:25] of women ready to walk wi step you take [00:01:30] toward heal this conversation with So [00:01:35] right. Welcome to living We're [00:01:40] glad you're here for conversations that revive hope, inspire healing and [00:01:45]encourage you to live a vibrant life with Christ.

So grab a cup of coffee as we chat [00:01:50] with today's guest.

I am so [00:01:55] excited for you to meet today. Soleil Wright. She is a dear friend of mine and we may [00:02:00] talk a little bit about how we came to know each other. To give you a little bit of [00:02:05] insight about Soleil, So Lay is a certified fitness trainer and lifestyle [00:02:10] wellness coach who guides women in overcoming personal challenges.

Now, she [00:02:15] understands the impact of unresolved trauma on personal and spiritual growth, [00:02:20] and her approach to health and wellness is to care for the whole person, body, [00:02:25]mind, and soul. Oh, ladies, how much do we need that? After raising [00:02:30] four children, Soleil is pursuing her dream of sharing her redemption story and how [00:02:35] Jesus has met her on this journey.

And I know that you are going to be so encouraged by her [00:02:40] story. Soleil enjoys a strong cup of coffee, reading, [00:02:45] hiking, and taking long walks. Soleil and her husband live in Cedar, Michigan, where [00:02:50] they dote over their grandchildren, including a brand new one. Soleil, [00:02:55] congratulations on your newest addition.

Thank you, 

[00:02:57] Sole: Denisha. It's been so much fun. [00:03:00]

[00:03:00] Denisha: And you have been super busy lately after your book came out that we'll talk about. You have [00:03:05] been doing just lots and lots of family stuff. 

[00:03:07] Sole: Absolutely. This month I was gone for [00:03:10] four weeks. My daughter just got back from being deployed eight months, almost a year.

I think probably a little bit over [00:03:15] eight months overseas. And it was just great welcoming her home and she was [00:03:20] safe and got to live through her experiences. She got to spend some time in Greece, which was [00:03:25] wonderful. And then from there we went to go welcome our youngest little guy, James. [00:03:30] Oh, 

[00:03:30] Denisha: how fun.

Congratulations. Oh, Greece is so beautiful. That's on my bucket list. [00:03:35] So I have to tell you, I took your book on that. You so sweetly [00:03:40] sent me, it's called after some time, and we're going to talk about that in depth, as [00:03:45] I read the words of your book and even revisited it last night, just in preparation for [00:03:50] our time together today, I just thought your heart is so for being [00:03:55] vulnerable.

[00:03:56] Sole: When 

[00:03:56] Denisha: we share our stories, we give other people permission to share [00:04:00] theirs. 

[00:04:00] Sole: That 

[00:04:02] Denisha: is such an important thing. And another [00:04:05] theme I saw roll through your book was not only your own vulnerability, but the [00:04:10] real stories that we tend to hide in our families that tend to get buried [00:04:15] kind of under the rug of life.

You exposed with such [00:04:20] love and grace. You also challenged us to look into our [00:04:25]stories. So I'd love to hear a little bit. When did God start laying this on your heart [00:04:30] to write the book? 

[00:04:31] Sole: I must've been in my thirties. So it's been over 20 years. [00:04:35] I remember the specific place I was on a run and I had an impression [00:04:40] in my heart.

I just felt, you know, you hear like the whisper of the Lord, but you really don't hear [00:04:45] it audibly. And I felt this deep impression telling me that I'm going to be writing [00:04:50] my redemption story. And I thought it was my redemption story up to my thirties, but the [00:04:55]reality was that he was working things out.

And it wasn't until 20 years [00:05:00] later when he would have shown me what true redemption looks like in different aspects of my [00:05:05] story. So it was over 20 years ago when he laid it on my heart to write this book. 

[00:05:09] Denisha: [00:05:10] Your words are profound. How long did it take you to get that so well [00:05:15] articulated? 

[00:05:16] Sole: It took me about three years.

In 2020, I [00:05:20] started writing the book. And to be honest, Anisha, I chickened out. It's a personal book. [00:05:25] I shared parts of my story. I share those secrets, you know, and we'll talk about [00:05:30] secrets, but I share those secrets that keep us bound. And I panicked and I wrote [00:05:35] an entirely different book that I thought would be more fun, more engaging on negative thought [00:05:40] patterns, which I'm hoping to get to that book sometime this year.

A turn of events [00:05:45] happened and I knew that it was going to a retreat in [00:05:50] Texas that started that change and I shared in the book, I don't want to spoil it, but I [00:05:55] had my biggest breakthrough at age 51, and it was the most beautiful [00:06:00] redemption part of my story at age 51. And that's when I just felt that impression like, [00:06:05] no, you need to go back to that book you started in 2020 and finish it.

And I am [00:06:10] so happy I did. I'm so glad I did. 

[00:06:13] Denisha: I am too. And [00:06:15] that going back and telling your true story, not the story with the mask, [00:06:20] but the real, like you get kind of in the trenches in your story and then you show [00:06:25] God's redemption in that. 

[00:06:26] Sole: The format of the book is my story is as if you [00:06:30] and I were sitting for a cup of coffee, and we're just having this nice discussion.

And I'm [00:06:35] sharing with you, Denisha, I'm telling you, Hey, this is a part of my story. And I will sit [00:06:40] back and take a sip of my coffee because I'm giving you permission now to share [00:06:45] with me yours. And that's what those probing questions are the way it's written. It's written [00:06:50] just enough to stir you up. Where did my story touch [00:06:55] you?

What did it bring out in you? Were you triggered a little bit? I [00:07:00] want to hear about that. I want you to do some unpacking as well. I have a lot of [00:07:05] words written in my 

[00:07:05] Denisha: book. In my copy of your book, I wrote a [00:07:10] lot of words in there and I thought that's something not only just a one time as you read [00:07:15] through it, but it does poke those deeper places and I feel like it [00:07:20] pokes places in our hearts that we're longing to talk about.

That we're longing for [00:07:25] that safe place to share because we don't have that, you know, life is go, go, go. And a [00:07:30] lot of times we don't tend to the things that are with us. And I know [00:07:35] that's one of the things that we're going to talk about today too, is that the generational [00:07:40] patterns in our lives, the things that have played out in our stories, that it didn't [00:07:45]start with us, but by pursuing healing for ourselves, we're also bringing healing [00:07:50] to our children, to future generations, that maybe it didn't start with us, but it can [00:07:55] end with us.

Disfunction, those patterns, those things that are passed down. And I [00:08:00] know you have a lot of insight on that because I saw that as a thread throughout your book. What are your [00:08:05]thoughts on that? 

[00:08:06] Sole: Well, definitely. We are definitely born into a [00:08:10] storyline. That started generations ago. We can even go back to the beginning of time.

[00:08:15] We were born into the storyline and we pick up these patterns through learned [00:08:20]behavior that and we may fall into the negative cycles of our ancestors going way, way [00:08:25]back. Researchers have found through epigenetics that family experiences. [00:08:30] environments that they may have grown up in and trauma [00:08:35] can shape our genes and they can be inherited through genetic codes.

So in a [00:08:40] sense, these things become part of our programming. It's like a default button for us. [00:08:45] And that's genetically ingrained in us. So children can bear the [00:08:50] consequences of their parents sins. And that we tend to repeat these patterns. [00:08:55] I was doing some research and I'm so excited to share this. And we've all heard the story of.[00:09:00]

Abraham and Sarah and before they were Abraham and Sarah, it was Abram and [00:09:05] Sarai and there's the story that says that whenever they were going to Egypt, I [00:09:10] believe, and he noticed that his wife is so beautiful. Of course, you know, she was a beautiful woman and he said, tell [00:09:15] them. That you're my sister, this little white line, it's just a little white line, just [00:09:20]tell them you're my sister so that they won't kill me and take you for their wife.

And she [00:09:25] did, she obeyed her husband and she, you know, told this little white lie and then [00:09:30] God brought like this terrible disease upon Pharaoh's house. God is saying, no, you're not going to [00:09:35] lie. I've got your back, Abraham. And then 20 years later, Abraham does the same [00:09:40] exact thing. He enters another land and tells King Abimelech, I believe is his name.[00:09:45]

And now he's Abraham and she's Sarah. So there's been some redemption. There's been some work there [00:09:50] and he knows who his God is, but he falls into that same pattern [00:09:55] and they do the same thing. And then in a dream, God tells him, don't you touch that woman? So [00:10:00] it's interesting. So Abraham and Sarah have their son, Isaac.

Lo and behold, [00:10:05] Isaac repeats the same pattern. Him and his wife, Rebecca, enter the [00:10:10] same land. And he tells Rebecca, just say that you're my sister. You're so [00:10:15]beautiful. They're going to kill me and take you. Now, this is a first generational sin. So [00:10:20]then Isaac and Rebecca, they have Jacob. I'm looking at my notes here.

Rebecca [00:10:25] tells her son, Jacob, to lie to their father, to receive Esau's [00:10:30] blessing. So that's second generation. I don't know if you've heard, if you lie, [00:10:35] steal or cheat, chances are your children are going to lie, steal or cheat. We are [00:10:40] seeing this in the third generation. What's even worse is that the lies, the deception, [00:10:45] they're getting worse.

Now these are patterns. I don't know if Jacob knew about his [00:10:50] grandfather lying in these simple little white lies, these deceptions. Now [00:10:55] Jacob's son. lie to him when they take [00:11:00] Joseph and sell him. So this is betrayal and deception again. [00:11:05] So as we can see that the sin took root, the sin took root [00:11:10] 193 years before in Genesis 12, [00:11:15] when Abram and Sarai first, you know, lied.

And I'm sure that there were lots of lies and [00:11:20] deceptions in between. This is just what we're hearing. 

[00:11:23] Denisha: Yeah, it's documented in [00:11:25] the Bible. So therefore it is important, 

[00:11:27] Sole: very important. Now, if we could go back [00:11:30] 193 years in our ancestry line, what would we find? What patterns would [00:11:35] we find that are still being lived out in our lives today?

And they don't have to [00:11:40] be bad. We want the good stuff. Like we want the blessings from the Lord, but [00:11:45] oftentimes we inherit the dirty laundry. That no one wants to talk about. We [00:11:50] inherit the stuff that, oh, don't air it out. But if we don't air it out, how is it ever going to get [00:11:55] washed? Right? 

[00:11:55] Denisha: Yes. Yes, that's so true.

Secrets fester. I think [00:12:00] you mentioned that in the book too, that secrets kind of go underground along with those [00:12:05] generational curses or generational sin. You also brought up that there's [00:12:10] generational and blessing and inheritance in your thirties. When you decided to write a book, [00:12:15] whose dream was it to write a book before you?

[00:12:17] Sole: It's interesting because this was my mother's [00:12:20] dream. The funny thing about this is in school, and I don't know if I'd shared this in my book, but in [00:12:25] school, I was the math and science girl. I loved math and science. Grammar, [00:12:30] ugh, I didn't like it. I wasn't a big reader in that aspect, but I loved math and [00:12:35] science.

And I remember seeing my mom journal a lot and it could have been her [00:12:40] way of also purging because she was not the type of woman that, shared her secrets or [00:12:45] had close friends. So she wrote a lot. And I remember her telling me that she wanted to write her life [00:12:50]story. And this was after her becoming a Christian and she wanted to share [00:12:55] what the Lord has done for her and her redemption story.

So it's interesting that [00:13:00] she never got to write it, but I did. And I correlate that with the blessings that King [00:13:05] David had a heart's desire to build the temple for the Lord. And he wanted to do it so [00:13:10] badly. When I read scripture, I can see that his heart is in the right place. [00:13:15] But God said, no, you will not be doing this.

It will be your son, King Solomon. And [00:13:20] that's what took place. His son built the temple. And I correlate that with that. And it goes both ways, the [00:13:25] blessings and the curses. 

[00:13:27] Denisha: Yeah, that's so true. And we'll take the blessings [00:13:30] all day long. Right? 

[00:13:31] Sole: Oh, absolutely. I'm all for that. 

[00:13:34] Denisha: As you mentioned [00:13:35] your mom, tell me a little bit about the redemption that God did in, in your [00:13:40] relationship.

[00:13:42] Sole: Absolutely. So when my mom was pregnant [00:13:45] with me, she was in a very tough situation as often happens with [00:13:50] some women. They're in a relationship that maybe is abusive. She had [00:13:55] children from other men prior to being pregnant with me, and she did have a previous abortion. [00:14:00] prior to her pregnancy with me. Again, she found herself in a tough situation and she [00:14:05] truly believed that having an abortion would be the only way out.

And she [00:14:10] tried. There were multiple attempts of her trying to abort me and none of them [00:14:15] happened. So when I was born, I think there was a lack of her bonding [00:14:20] with me. In my book, I share about how her two daughters, my two older [00:14:25] sisters were taken from her by her mother in law. So she was already experiencing [00:14:30] grief.

My biological father was already having an affair. So she was [00:14:35] experiencing another marriage that was not working out. So there was a lot of pain that [00:14:40] mom was experiencing prior to making that decision to abort me. When I [00:14:45] was born, she did not have the emotional fortitude to bond with me. [00:14:50] Her plate was just too heavy.

I understand it today. Because we've had these [00:14:55] tough conversations as a child growing up, she lacked the ability to connect with [00:15:00] me. I felt very much alone, especially when my stepfather told me that I wasn't [00:15:05] wanted as a little girl that my mother tried to abort me. And as a young child, you don't [00:15:10] know what an abortion means, but I truly understood what not being wanted meant [00:15:15] because I felt it all along.

Many years down the road, again, it seems [00:15:20] like God was really stirring me up in my 30s, and I think this often happens with women [00:15:25] in our 30s. A lot of the stuff wants to seep out, and we have an opportunity to [00:15:30] unpack a little bit, soar through it, and allow God to work through it. So, it must have been in [00:15:35] my mid to late 30s that my mother and I would often have little spats here and there.[00:15:40]

And it was always the consequence or the result of there was always a hidden [00:15:45] tension between us and we never talked about it because every time I attempted to speak with my [00:15:50]mother, she would always come back as, you don't know what a tough life is. [00:15:55] So that totally dismissed everything that I went through, the abuse my stepfather put [00:16:00] on me.

My depression as a teenager, she would always come back and that would shut [00:16:05] me down, but she wasn't willing to share about her tough life. So this day we had [00:16:10] our normal spat, as we would typically do, and I shot those darts at her. [00:16:15] I'd shot, you didn't want me, you tried to abort me, you didn't protect me, and it [00:16:20] was a bullseye every time.

And I felt awful after I saw how deflated she [00:16:25] was. And she sat at the side of my bed, she would, we were in my bedroom and [00:16:30] I apologized and I said, mom, I want to know, just tell me about your life. [00:16:35] And she started to unload and tell me, and then she looked at me and she apologized. She [00:16:40] says, I am so sorry. I am so sorry about what happened to you.

And [00:16:45] it was beautiful, Denisha, because in my thirties, I finally had that connection with my mother. [00:16:50] Now this was not something that I had an expectation of. Sometimes we just resolve in [00:16:55] life to say, well, that's just the way she is, or this is just the way it [00:17:00] is. And there are things in life that we need to accept.

But God gave me that redemptive [00:17:05] gift of connecting with my mother because in all reality, it was a longing of my heart. [00:17:10] It was an inner deep longing of my heart to have that beautiful [00:17:15] connection with my mom. So that is one of the ways the Lord has redeemed me. And I have different stories [00:17:20] throughout the book, each chapter it's very thematic.

So there are five stories. And with those [00:17:25] tough questions, that's my time to sip my coffee and your time to share with me. [00:17:30] And at the end of those five stories, I wrap it up. It's almost like a beautiful bowl, a [00:17:35] gift that God has given me of redemption on how he redeemed those difficult [00:17:40] parts of my life.

[00:17:41] Denisha: It's so beautiful. And when you ask those hard [00:17:45] questions, when you sit back to sip your coffee, those questions disrupt [00:17:50] patterns in our lives. And I think that the way that you ask them is so [00:17:55] gentle, but challenging, I would say disruptive in a good way, in a beautiful way, [00:18:00] where it really does cause us the reader to reflect and to look at [00:18:05] how does my story interface with what I just read?

And [00:18:10] that I think that is very, very helpful and challenging at the same time, but in a beautiful way [00:18:15] you have, I think there was something in there. You asked a question and then you said, I think you said, [00:18:20] does that trigger you or do you feel triggered? And I thought, yes, I feel, why are you in my [00:18:25] mind right now?

It's written so relationally, you know, when [00:18:30] you talk about that hidden tension. Between you and your mom, what a [00:18:35] beautiful moment you had there. And that's when stuff that was hidden in the dark came [00:18:40] out in the light. And those are moments not everybody gets to have. [00:18:45] And when they get to see that coming together, redemptive moment of her saying, let me share a [00:18:50] little bit with you and I'm sorry, and you got to say, sorry, that is just a beautiful moment of [00:18:55] reconciliation.

And I know not everybody will get to experience that type of a [00:19:00] moment, but it brings a lot of hope to times in relationships where we do have that hidden [00:19:05] tension. 

[00:19:05] Sole: That's the title of the book, the after some time, it's like there is hope. [00:19:10] We live in a space where everything is now, now, now, but God is not bound by time.[00:19:15]

After some time, there is still hope for redemption. You know, our longings are [00:19:20] given to us by God. God wants to restore these things. He wants to redeem [00:19:25] us, but it's not on our timing. He is not bound by the timing that we put on him. [00:19:30]

[00:19:30] Denisha: Boy, don't we see that in the word too. We see that redemption [00:19:35] years, generations, even later.

One of your chapters really [00:19:40] struck me because this is my heart as I was a pastor at our church for a [00:19:45] decade. And one of the things I heard often in themes with women particularly [00:19:50] was if people knew. And sometimes it wasn't said it wasn't like, [00:19:55] well, Denise, if people knew, but you heard it, you heard it in the context of their sharing their heart [00:20:00] or their story or what their husband was involved in or what their children were doing or [00:20:05] their secret life.

So many times as people were talking, I would hear almost like a [00:20:10] thud. Theme of if they only knew, and so we show up to Sundays, we put our [00:20:15] mask on, right? And we say, everything's fine, fine, fine. And we see that in the [00:20:20] word too, right? Where God even comes against the people of Israel when they say, you know, peace, peace, [00:20:25] where there is no peace.

And I think we find that a lot because we think the [00:20:30] expectation is if we have Jesus, everything is great in our lives. That is very [00:20:35] true, but it doesn't mean we're not going to be without hard things happen. So [00:20:40] Cher, I would love to hear your heart a little bit behind that chapter of if people knew. [00:20:45] If 

[00:20:46] Sole: people knew, basically talks about the shame and [00:20:50] secrets, and I recently shared that those are the dominant roots that feed these [00:20:55] generational cycles.

The book shares a lot about the cycles of my mother and how they filtered [00:21:00] into my own life. So it was the shame and secrets, shame and secrets keep us [00:21:05] quiet. And if we cannot, like I said, air out [00:21:10] our dirty laundry, how will we ever become washed? And shame and secrets [00:21:15] isolate us. If we are isolated, how could we ever share them in community or share [00:21:20] with a safe person to receive healing?

Secrets are like mold. [00:21:25] Like you don't see them. You don't see mold showing up until there's [00:21:30] damage. And that's very much how it is with secrets. We keep them. We don't see that there's [00:21:35] damage being done until it's too late. Like we can physically become sick. We can [00:21:40] act out, we can have addiction problems, shopping, spending too much money.

There's [00:21:45] behavioral patterns in our life that will show that we are struggling from within. [00:21:50]

[00:21:50] Denisha: We're going to cope with the pain in our heart one way or another. [00:21:55]Whether it's leading into those emotions and depression sets and there are so many physical [00:22:00]signs physical system on top of behavior patterns that we see.

Sometimes it's [00:22:05] as simple as turning around and reconciling our story and helping it to make sense, [00:22:10] because some of those things might have served us really well when we were younger. But as we get older, [00:22:15] we're in a new family. We're in new situations. It doesn't serve us as well, but [00:22:20] we carry that. If people knew what I've been through, people knew what I've done.

If people knew my [00:22:25] secret. The interesting thing is I've 

[00:22:28] Sole: done it too. Yeah, me [00:22:30] too. You see what I'm saying? I have spoken like whether it's coaching or through a [00:22:35] fitness class, through Bible study, or just friendships, I've spoken to hundreds of women, as well as [00:22:40] you, that their stories are connected with yours, but there's always [00:22:45] those common threads that connect us.

And then once in a while, there's a woman who [00:22:50] dares to be vulnerable. 

[00:22:51] Denisha: Yes. 

[00:22:52] Sole: And she's so afraid and she shares [00:22:55] her little secret. And then it's one of those things that you can say, me too, [00:23:00] I've been there. And that is my prayer that this book exposes those lies that you are [00:23:05] alone. Like I truly felt alone in so many parts of my story [00:23:10] that, you know, I had two ladies share with me something and I'm like, Oh my gosh, I'm not [00:23:15] alone in this.

Me too. I felt that way. I wanted to do that too. [00:23:20] Because you're ashamed that you had those thoughts or feelings or you're ashamed that you [00:23:25] did those things or shame is on you. That's not even that you shouldn't own what [00:23:30] something did to you. That's not your shame to hold on to. And we tend to carry [00:23:35] that when we're not meant to carry that burden.

[00:23:38] Denisha: Oh, amen. Yes. [00:23:40] That is so true. That me too. Moment. You and I [00:23:45] share parts of our story of both having survived abortion attempts on our life. [00:23:50]And that I have never felt the power of me too. For [00:23:55] personally as much as I have was sitting in the room with other survivors and getting to know other [00:24:00] survivors.

That was so ridiculously healing to me. I was mad [00:24:05] when I first found out my story. I was real bad at the Lord, to be honest, and he was big enough to [00:24:10] handle that. And as time went on, as I met more and more people that we said, me [00:24:15] too. You know, that's a club you don't want to be in. No, right. Like we don't want to be in [00:24:20] the survivor club there as we are.

There's so much healing and [00:24:25] hope and hearing that you're not alone. So having those moments where you share or that [00:24:30] person in the group share something vulnerable that they haven't shared before. That is sacred [00:24:35] ground. I think. 

[00:24:35] Sole: I agree with you, Danisha. I believe that that's when we're carrying one another's [00:24:40] burdens.

When we have that Me Too moment, it's like, come here, let me hold this for [00:24:45] you. I understand. And we need more of that. In all honesty, I [00:24:50] am tired of playing church. We need to take that mask off. And [00:24:55] stop playing church and be vulnerable, be real, because there are people hurting [00:25:00] and they are leaving the church.

It doesn't help putting on that mask. It [00:25:05] doesn't help putting on that pretty face and that smile every Sunday. It's nice. It's nice, but [00:25:10] we need to go have that cup of coffee. We need to have a moment and we need to ask those tough [00:25:15] questions. We need to ask questions like what script are you repeating?

What's on repeat? [00:25:20] Where did you learn your limitations? Who in your past showed you that you're [00:25:25] limited? We need to ask those tough questions. What are you drawn to? Where are you [00:25:30] desensitized that is not coming along with scripture? And I'm not saying that to shame you, my friend. I [00:25:35] am saying that because this could be a pattern, a generational pattern in your life.[00:25:40]

What are you drawn to? 

[00:25:42] Denisha: Oh, when you said script in your book, you [00:25:45] wrote words, hold us captive, which gives our past permission to [00:25:50] control us. And I was like, Oh, Soleil, that was amazing. [00:25:55] It's so true. What words have held you captive that gives your past permission to [00:26:00] control you? 

[00:26:02] Sole: Wow. Well, I had that. My stepfather used to call [00:26:05] me crazy as a young girl.

He was very abusive and boy, those words, they have [00:26:10] haunted me my whole life. My whole life. I've questioned everything on the [00:26:15] grid of, am I crazy, which is insane because I'm not. But the [00:26:20] words, we believe those words because. If they're saying it, it must be true. And you're a vulnerable [00:26:25] child in an adult is saying that.

So you take that on as [00:26:30] your identity. 

[00:26:31] Denisha: That's something that I love also in your book is that you [00:26:35] talk about identity issues. You talk about unforgiveness. You talk [00:26:40] about suicidal thoughts, addictions. And so many topics that are [00:26:45] really often overlooked in small groups in coffee chats, in all [00:26:50] sorts of different areas.

Identity is such a huge part. Who do we believe we are is who we're going to [00:26:55] act out of. Mm hmm. 

[00:26:57] Sole: 100%. I truly believe that because I saw [00:27:00] that played out in my life. I saw that played out in my mother's life. She was a victim her whole [00:27:05] life, and she remained a victim until she broke that cycle. And it's [00:27:10] interesting because her choices before Christ filtered into my [00:27:15] life.

Her choices after Christ are affecting my grandchildren. [00:27:20] That is the blessing in it. We don't have to carry those patterns, whether they're [00:27:25] 193 years old from grandma Ruth or whoever, great grandma, [00:27:30] we don't have to carry them. We can break them through Christ. There is power there, [00:27:35] but we have to be intentional too.

Just like we're intentional in parenting, we're [00:27:40] intentional at our job, we're intentional in all things in life. We have to be [00:27:45] intentional in saying, you know what, today, I'm breaking the chains of alcoholism. There will [00:27:50] not be divorce in my family line. You see, we have to be intentional in these [00:27:55] things.

We can't just say, okay, I denounce it and sit back. It's working out your [00:28:00] salvation. We need to continue to work this out and be intentional in our walk going [00:28:05] forward. 

[00:28:06] Denisha: Oh, that is so true. You know, we talk about sharing [00:28:10] a little bit of our story, right? Taking down that mask, having that cup of coffee. [00:28:15] It's on my heart also that I know some people have shared with the wrong people.[00:28:20]

And boy, that can really sway us to not wanting to share again. [00:28:25] And so if you're listening, if that's part of your story, if you've shared a vulnerable [00:28:30] piece and had it used against you as a weapon, if you have had shame put on [00:28:35] you about something that you've shared, I just want to encourage you, maybe that was just the wrong [00:28:40] person you shared with.

That doesn't mean that that is truth about those things. I have a [00:28:45] quote written down from your book that really speaks to this. And it says, we shouldn't share everything [00:28:50] with just anybody, yet hiding everything is dangerous to our inner [00:28:55] being. So if you've been hurt when you've tried to share in what should have been a safe [00:29:00] situation, I am so sorry.

And I just want to encourage you to get up and try [00:29:05] again, because there are safe people out there who will come alongside with you and just be an empathetic [00:29:10] witness to your story and what you've gone through. And Selena, you talk a little bit about that in [00:29:15] your book about just listening and being that witness for someone.

[00:29:18] Sole: When we first started [00:29:20] talking, how you mentioned that me being vulnerable and sharing my story gives other people permission [00:29:25] to do the same. That's how we need to find those safe people. They're out there because we are hungry [00:29:30] for truth. The bottom line is we are hungry for that friend. We are hungry for truth.

Cause [00:29:35] like I said, most of us were tired of playing church. We're tired of wearing the [00:29:40] mask. I truly believe that we are hungry. To be real. We want to [00:29:45] be seen. Don't we want to be seen? I want you to see who I am. [00:29:50] I don't want you to see who I think you want to see. I want you to see the true [00:29:55] me and I truly believe that there are people out there and I pray that that does not sway and [00:30:00] I get it because I've been in those shoes too.

I also believe that we get to a certain [00:30:05] age that it's easier to let those things go. If I share[00:30:10] something with someone and it backfires on me, I think I'm at an age right now where it's like, well, [00:30:15] I know the truth about what I shared. I know who I am. [00:30:20] And I think that there comes a time in life where we're like, well, that person may have [00:30:25] to work through some issues or pray for them.

I don't know what to say, but there comes a time [00:30:30] where it's easier to let those offenses go. 

[00:30:33] Denisha: So true. That's so true. [00:30:35] Being seen, being known and being loved in spite. [00:30:40] Of being seen and known. That's something that I've been wrestling with the last few years is [00:30:45] seen, known, loved. We actually did a conference a couple of years ago.

If it's in my heart, it's going to come out in this [00:30:50] ministry somewhere. We did a conference on that and I thought those are very scary words to [00:30:55] some. The thing to be seen, well, wait, no, I keep my mask up real firm. [00:31:00] And then to be known, to be seen and known and to be loved, no matter what your [00:31:05] story holds, no matter what you've experienced, you've done to be seen, known [00:31:10] and loved.

That is truly what the Lord has for us. And it's so beautiful when we can [00:31:15] experience that with other people as well. And I think the reminder is that our 

[00:31:19] Sole: [00:31:20] story is our story. It's not who we are. Amen. Our parents are [00:31:25]parents. They don't define us. We go back to that identity. Who are [00:31:30] we? I'm not my past. I'm not my abuse.[00:31:35]

I'm not someone that's not wanted. Those are just snippets [00:31:40] of what I've lived through. Who am I? I'm a daughter of a King. I have [00:31:45] been redeemed. So it's unpacking the truth. Like I'm not defined by [00:31:50] all these external things. I'm defined, but who my father says I am. [00:31:55]

[00:31:55] Denisha: Boy, that's that identity. If we live out of those truths, that changes everything.[00:32:00]

So like, I wonder. If there was a woman sitting before you right [00:32:05] now, they were just beginning this journey of discovery of what [00:32:10] you've walked through of redemption in your book. If they were just beginning to take a look back [00:32:15] to see what patterns have been in my life, what things have come generationally, [00:32:20] what have I seen in my own life and the life of my family, and where do I wanna go tomorrow?

That [00:32:25] awareness of what has happened to us. What would you say to a woman if they were in [00:32:30] that spot? What would you say to encourage Sole as you [00:32:35] were taking this dive towards redemption? 

[00:32:37] Sole: Wow. 

[00:32:37] Denisha: First 

[00:32:38] Sole: of all, I would applaud her because not [00:32:40] everyone wants to look at the stinky stuff, right? Not everyone wants to unpack that.

I would [00:32:45] definitely applaud her for even considering unpacking the luggage, that heavy [00:32:50] baggage. I would encourage her, and I truly want her to know who she is in [00:32:55]Christ, but I also need her to believe that she's not alone. That these secrets that she's been [00:33:00]keeping, someone else has had those similar experiences because our stories connect [00:33:05] us.

I would encourage her to identify it. Identify it. Give [00:33:10] it a name. What are you struggling with? Are you struggling with substance abuse? [00:33:15] Identify it. Give it a name. Denounce it. I would encourage her to be [00:33:20] accountable of her own actions because I struggled with blame [00:33:25] shifting. So to own it. Yes, I understand that you've made these choices [00:33:30] because these things have happened to you.

Own your choices, confess them, [00:33:35] but also offer forgiveness. That's a hard pill to swallow to forgive those [00:33:40] that have offended you, but we know that forgiveness is not for the offender. The [00:33:45] forgiveness truly sets us free. And when we truly entered that, we understand that I never [00:33:50] understood what that meant.

That forgiveness sets you free. What, what are you talking about? I am free. [00:33:55] But there's something that when you enter it, and I think in my book, one of the questions is, [00:34:00] or maybe there's a statement about when Jesus tells us to forgive 70 times 7, [00:34:05] could the very act of forgiveness, Because I would forgive and then I'd take it [00:34:10] back.

I would forgive. And then I'd be angry. I would forgive. And then, Oh, you know, I just [00:34:15]couldn't take it anymore. And could the act of just processing those emotions be the [00:34:20] 70 times seven to where we can truly enter in the forgiveness. So the [00:34:25] confession and the forgiveness, but I would also remind her that her parents were [00:34:30] handed the very baggage that you're wrestling with, and we forget [00:34:35] that.

We forget that our parents were handed that same baggage [00:34:40] that they handed us that they've been wrestling with and we've been wrestling with. I'm at a different [00:34:45] point in my life right now, but I remember being in the trenches and I remember being so angry and I [00:34:50] remember saying, Oh, I can't forgive. I can't forgive.

I was so stuck, but it is a [00:34:55] process and you cannot do it If anything, find a friend that's maybe a little [00:35:00] bit ahead of you. Going through that and maybe you can have some mentoring [00:35:05] would be perfect. But never give up. Never give up because [00:35:10]redemption happens after some time. It always does. Thank you.[00:35:15]

[00:35:15] Denisha: Those are very life giving words. 

[00:35:18] Sole: Thank you for that. Thank you, Denisha. [00:35:20] Thank you. 

[00:35:20] Denisha: Well, Soleil, how can we find you and how can we 

[00:35:23] Sole: find your book? [00:35:25] Well, my book is on sale on Amazon. I do have a website. It's [00:35:30] www. soleright. com. So my name is S O L E. And if you want [00:35:35] to know about my name, get the book, because there's a whole chapter on it.

And that's where I talk about [00:35:40] identity. So that's where you can find me and on Amazon. Thank 

[00:35:44] Denisha: you so much, [00:35:45] Denisha. Well, Sole, thank you so much for being with us. You are truly a gift and I would love to have you [00:35:50] back on sometime. Would love it. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for [00:35:55] listening. I pray you found hope in today's conversation and maybe even feel a [00:36:00] little less alone in your story.

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