How to Help Hurting People ~ Denisha Workizer Ep. 114

Have you ever been in a conversation where someone shared something incredibly painful with you, and you found yourself not knowing how to respond? Perhaps they shared about a traumatic moment in their life or a hurt that they are currently experiencing. What you say in those moments matters. 

In this episode, we hope to equip you with practical tools to confidently sit in those moments and be a helper when someone is hurting.

Before we jump into today's episode, it's hard to believe it, but Christmas is right around the corner, and we have designed 17 brand-new pieces of jewelry! That brings us to over 70 pieces of inspirational jewelry and journals on our website! https://reclaimedstory.com/shop/

If you want meaningful presents under the tree, we have them; why not shop and help support a strong women's ministry simultaneously?  You can find all of this on our website www.reclaimedstory.com/shop.

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Transcript

Transcript is auto-generated.

[00:00:00] Denisha: Have you ever been in a conversation where someone shared something [00:00:05] incredibly painful and you found yourself not knowing how to respond? [00:00:10] Perhaps they shared about a traumatic moment in their life or a hurt that they're currently [00:00:15]experiencing. What you say in those moments matter. [00:00:20] In this episode, our hope is to equip you with practical tools to sit in those [00:00:25] moments with confidence and to be a helper.

When someone is hurting. [00:00:30] So before we dive in to today's episode, it is hard to believe friends, but [00:00:35] Christmas is right around the corner and we have designed 17 brand new pieces [00:00:40] of jewelry that brings us to over 70 pieces of inspirational [00:00:45] jewelry and journals on our website. So if you want meaningful presents under the [00:00:50] tree, we've got them for you.

Why not shop and help? Support a strong women's ministry at [00:00:55] the same time. You can find all of this on our website at reclaimstory. [00:01:00] com slash shop. Now, let's look at what [00:01:05] do I say when someone is hurting? Welcome to living the [00:01:10] reclaim life podcast. I'm Denisha. We're glad you're here for conversations that [00:01:15] revive hope, inspire healing, and encourage you to live a vibrant life with Christ.[00:01:20]

So grab a cup of coffee as we chat with today's guest.[00:01:25]

As we step into the holidays, there's a few things [00:01:30] that we can prepare for. One, we can prepare ourself for [00:01:35] disagreements. With the polarization going on in our world, with current [00:01:40] events, there's probably a chance that somewhere around our holiday tables, we are going to [00:01:45] run into people, family, friends, that we love, that we disagree with.

Well, our [00:01:50] last episode touched on those topics. How do we navigate healthy [00:01:55]disagreements around the holiday table this year? Now, the topic that we're looking [00:02:00] at today is another thing that we can expect. We can expect, [00:02:05] especially around the holidays, to run into people who are hurting. So [00:02:10] what do we do?

How can we be a helper when someone is hurting? Now, [00:02:15] I want to give us some examples and we're going to be a little bit playful. We're going to get real in this [00:02:20] episode today. Now, maybe you've been there, okay? Maybe you're at a party and [00:02:25] you say to a friend, you know, Hey, Sally, how are you? It's been a while.[00:02:30]

And you're looking for lighthearted conversation, okay? Maybe you're thinking you're going to talk about [00:02:35] vacation, you're going to talk about the weather, and all of a sudden you get a[00:02:40] response that takes your breath away. As she shares something so [00:02:45] personal and so uncomfortable that it's hard to hear.

Sometimes [00:02:50] it's even harder to figure out what to say next. So we're going to be really [00:02:55] honest today. And we're going to jump into some practical tools of what do [00:03:00] we say when we have an emotional bomb dropped in our lap and we just wanted to [00:03:05] talk about vacation or the weather. So to start off, we're going to play [00:03:10] a game of have you ever, okay?

Have you ever had [00:03:15] a friend drop an emotional bomb on you and you suddenly [00:03:20]glance towards the door wondering how fast can you get out of the room? Right? [00:03:25] I know I have done that. Have you ever nodded your head [00:03:30] and go, Yes, I hear you. While meanwhile, you're looking for someone else to talk to [00:03:35] that may distract the conversation you're currently engaged in because it's too heavy.[00:03:40]

What about this? Have you ever gotten in your own head and [00:03:45] responded, Yes, I know how you feel. I remember when. And you begin to tell [00:03:50] your story. Maybe you checked out of their pain altogether and [00:03:55] into your own story. Or maybe you changed the subject [00:04:00]altogether and completely reversed what you were talking about.

Maybe brought [00:04:05] up vacation or the weather. If you found yourself in those circumstances, [00:04:10] you are not alone to look for a way out. Those conversations are hard and we aren't [00:04:15] always prepared for what to say. Now, what happens when you see [00:04:20] Sally once a year at a party, but what happens when that person isn't [00:04:25] someone you see once a year?

What happens when they're that [00:04:30] coworker or that fellow church member that you see on a daily or [00:04:35] weekly basis? When you know there is something hard going on in their life and that it is [00:04:40] hard, what do you say to them to go back to our game of have you ever? Have [00:04:45] you ever found yourself avoiding them because you didn't know what to say?

Have you ever [00:04:50] found their story bumping up against your own story or maybe even your [00:04:55] fears? And you're walking down the hall and you avoid eye contact with [00:05:00] them at all cost. Or maybe, maybe they've been struggling for so long that [00:05:05] you've run out of encouraging things to say. So now you just pretend that they're doing [00:05:10] well and just carry on conversations about vacation and the weather because it's [00:05:15] easier.

I think we've been there and I wonder right now if you're [00:05:20] thinking, not only have I done that to people, but I've had that done to me. [00:05:25] You're not alone. These are all very real situations that we [00:05:30] can find ourselves in, and we are going to be real in here today, and we are going [00:05:35] to look at why these conversations are so hard for us, identify ways that we can [00:05:40] engage without becoming undone ourselves, so that we can be [00:05:45] helpers in hard situations.

And my hope is that after this time together [00:05:50] today, that you'll have some tools in your tool belt, okay? To feel more comfortable [00:05:55] when you encounter the hard parts of people's stories, and you will feel more confident [00:06:00] to engage with them versus looking the other way. Now, [00:06:05] you might be thinking, Denisha, this is Reclaim Story.

You guys help women heal from the [00:06:10] pain of their past. What does knowing what to say to hurting people have to do with that? [00:06:15] Friends, It has everything to do with that, because as [00:06:20] you reclaim your story, you can help others reclaim theirs as well. When you [00:06:25]know how to hold space for pain, it creates amazing [00:06:30] opportunities to love others well.

But we can't do that if we're not willing [00:06:35] to be a helper and to step into those real raw moments with others [00:06:40] while displaying empathy and compassion. And I believe that if we learn [00:06:45] how to show up for other people in their moments of pain, it gives us a [00:06:50]greater capacity to show up for ourselves in our own painful moments.[00:06:55]

For the last 30 years, I have been a helper. Now, [00:07:00] if you know my story, you go, wait, 20 years you were in jewelry, Denisha. [00:07:05] Now, how is that being a helper? Let me just tell you, it is not all [00:07:10] sparkles and diamonds in a jewelry store. Let me give you an example. So you help a man [00:07:15] select an engagement ring one day.

His eyes are twinkling and he shares with you his [00:07:20] romantic plan about how he's going to give it to her. And it is the perfect fairy tale. [00:07:25] Until he comes back in two months later and tells you she said no, that she is [00:07:30] seeing someone else. In fact, that very story is how I [00:07:35] met my husband. True story. Well, after being in jewelry [00:07:40] for 20 years and walking through a lot of heartache with our clients along the way, [00:07:45] and also our staff, I went into pastoral ministry for 10 [00:07:50] years.

Now as a pastor, you didn't know what your day was going to look like. [00:07:55] I remember being in hospital rooms when someone was ill or even having their last [00:08:00] moments on earth and having no idea what to say. I remember one time I [00:08:05] asked a fellow pastor, I said, how do you know what to say? And I will never [00:08:10] forget his response.

He said, it's not about what you say. It's about the [00:08:15] fact that you were here. So I want to take the pressure [00:08:20] off of the things that we say and put that importance on [00:08:25] the fact that we showed up. He told me the family won't remember your wisdom, but [00:08:30] they will remember that you were here. So if there is one thing that you take away [00:08:35] from today's episode, please remember that it's not always what you [00:08:40] say.

Sometimes it's just that you were there. Well, after being on staff at a [00:08:45] church for 10 years as a pastor, I left staff and followed my passion to begin [00:08:50] this ministry to help women find hope and healing from a painful past. [00:08:55] And I will tell you, we put on our boots and we get into the mud with women to [00:09:00] be helpers.

And I share these moments in my personal story so that you will [00:09:05] understand that I have been there too, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do, but [00:09:10] I have done a ton of work to prepare my tool belt and my heart to help people who are hurting. [00:09:15] And today I want to share some of those tools with you.

So as we [00:09:20] proceed, I want to add a couple of disclaimers. First of all, I am not a mental [00:09:25] health professional. I am a pastor and a trauma informed coach. I am a [00:09:30] helper. I want to do the best as possible that I can, and I want to employ things that [00:09:35] work, and I want to dump things that don't. So some of this might work for you, and some of it [00:09:40] won't.

Feel total permission to keep some and dump the rest. [00:09:45] We are going to take a perspective of normal day encounters with hurting people, [00:09:50] whether that be at work or the grocery store at church. [00:09:55] What is not my intention with this episode is to cover extremes. There are [00:10:00] some situations, some hurting people where you may consider referring them to a [00:10:05] counselor and that may be the best solution for them.

And there are [00:10:10] situations where you may need to keep your distance from a hurting person because it's [00:10:15] healthier and better for you and them. But today, we're going to talk about [00:10:20] everyday encounters with hurting people. Maybe it's at the grocery store [00:10:25]checkout line. Maybe it's somebody having a meltdown at Costco because the one thing they [00:10:30] needed is gone or sold out.

Or maybe it's deeper. As we get [00:10:35] started, let's take a look at where we've come from. When we've encountered [00:10:40] hurting people and hard stories in the past, what have we done? Now, [00:10:45] as I say this next statement, I want to tell you my hand is up in the air right now [00:10:50]in my office. Have you ever put your foot in your mouth and said something that you [00:10:55] wish you could have taken back?

Yes! Oh my goodness, I have done [00:11:00] that. Have you ever heard well intentioned people say something to [00:11:05] someone that you thought was not helpful? I remember a friend [00:11:10]shared with me something that was said to her mom after her brother had passed away. [00:11:15] And somebody said, you have to get your act together. You have two other kids.[00:11:20]

Now, is that helpful to a grieving mother? No, [00:11:25] that's not helpful. I have some things I'd like to say back to that well intentioned [00:11:30] person. Have you ever heard someone make it all about them? [00:11:35] Sometimes we can put our foot in our mouth. Sometimes we can try to say something that's well [00:11:40] intentioned and not be helpful.

And sometimes we can make it all about us. [00:11:45] For example, if someone tells you their grandfather passed [00:11:50] away. And then your response is, Oh, that reminds me of when my [00:11:55] grandfather passed away. I felt the exact same way. Let me tell you about. Is that [00:12:00]helpful? No. Sharing our stories can often be [00:12:05] helpful, but in these moments of pain, when someone is really hurting, [00:12:10] what they need is for someone to sit knee to knee with them and be present and listen.[00:12:15]

Now, have you ever had someone, when they make it all about them, they [00:12:20] tell you that you should do this. Let's eliminate [00:12:25] you should, unless we're saying you should be kind to yourself. If someone is hurting, [00:12:30] let's not tell them what they should do. Let's ask questions. Let's [00:12:35] love them in the moment. Now, maybe you have [00:12:40] never lived through any of these things.

Maybe you've never had someone say something like that to [00:12:45] you that was not helpful or make it all about them. Or you've never had anybody put [00:12:50] their foot in their mouth while you're talking to them. Maybe you've never experienced that. [00:12:55] Well, if you haven't, I can tell you are very lucky because those are [00:13:00] painful moments.

So why do we do this? Why do we say these things? [00:13:05] Why do we respond and make it about us? Why do we put our foot in our mouths? There's [00:13:10] many reasons, but I want to give you four of them today. Number one, I [00:13:15] call it, we want to change the channel. You see, we don't want [00:13:20] to feel bad with them. When we see something on the news that is [00:13:25] hard, we can change the channel.

Those neglected abused animal commercials, [00:13:30] I have to change the channel or I'd have 25 dogs and 15 cats. I [00:13:35] changed the channel, but why? Because I don't want to feel bad. [00:13:40] It is hard to sit knee to knee, heart to heart, and allow [00:13:45] ourselves to be uncomfortable in their pain. But it is the most [00:13:50] helpful thing we can do.

Some of you might be thinking, the next time I see that [00:13:55] animal commercial, I can sit here, I can sit here, I can sit here. You don't have to [00:14:00] sit there for the commercial. But when we want to sit with real people in [00:14:05] real pain, Often, we do those other things because we want to change the [00:14:10] channel. We don't want to feel bad.

I love this quote by Mr. Rogers, [00:14:15] people have said, don't cry to other people for years and years. [00:14:20] And all it ever meant was I'm too uncomfortable when you show feelings. [00:14:25]Can you relate to that? Let's look at the second [00:14:30] reason that we do these silly things. Maybe their [00:14:35] pain bumps up against our pain. It is not easy to sit and [00:14:40] hear a story of abuse when you have been abused.

It's [00:14:45] not easy to sit and hear about a spouse that has left when that is your story, [00:14:50]too. Their story can trigger the story within us. [00:14:55] That's another reason why we say the things we do. [00:15:00] The third thing is we want to fix it for them. We want to [00:15:05] eliminate their pain. We often offer wisdom instead of presence.[00:15:10]

Remember what my pastor friend told me was they won't remember what you said, but they will [00:15:15] remember that you were here. By trying to fix it and eliminate their [00:15:20] pain, it actually invalidates their emotions. It makes them feel [00:15:25] misunderstood or negated or not cared for. And we don't want that. [00:15:30] Number four, the reason we do this is we don't know what to [00:15:35] say.

I'll never forget when my mom passed away. I was 23 and one of [00:15:40] my best friends from growing up, she wouldn't return my phone calls. And I [00:15:45] was desperate to talk to someone who knew my mom. When she passed, we lived in a new state, and [00:15:50] I was yearning to talk with someone who had memories of her. And I remember I never [00:15:55] understood why she didn't call me.

And years later, she told me, I didn't call you because [00:16:00] I didn't know what to say. So why do we do this? Why [00:16:05] do we jump to fix it? Why do we say things when we know we've put our foot in our mouth? [00:16:10] Why do we make it about us? Number one, because we want to change the [00:16:15] channel. Number two, their pain may bump up against our [00:16:20] pain.

Number three, we want to fix it for them and eliminate their pain. [00:16:25] Number four, we don't know what to say. Life is hard, [00:16:30] and people around us are hurting, and we can be hurting. Did you know that [00:16:35] 10 percent of Americans are clinically depressed? And this is increasing [00:16:40] the fastest amongst our teens and young adults.

17 [00:16:45] percent of Americans will engage in self harm. According to the [00:16:50] CDC, 1. 2 million American adults attempted suicide in 2020 [00:16:55] and 12. 2 million thought about it. 40 [00:17:00] million American adults, that's 19. 1%, have an [00:17:05] anxiety disorder. And only 36. 9 percent [00:17:10] of those 40 million people in America with an anxiety disorder get [00:17:15]treatment.

Another quote from Mr. Rogers, When I was a boy, I would see [00:17:20] scary things in the news. My mother would always say to me, look for the helpers. [00:17:25] You will always find people who are helping. So how can [00:17:30] we be helpers? People need a safe place. That is [00:17:35] one of the most important things, a safe place to talk, to process.

So how do we as [00:17:40] helpers create a safe place? I want to give you an acronym [00:17:45] that you can utilize in your life long after this episode. It is the word [00:17:50] PLEA. P L E A. A plea is a request made in [00:17:55] an urgent and emotional manner. So let's take that in P [00:18:00] L E A. When someone has a plea for a safe place, how [00:18:05] do we create that for them?

P stands for presence. [00:18:10] As that pastor told me, being present was more important than saying something brilliant. [00:18:15] They don't need a hero. They need you to be present. They need you to create [00:18:20] a warm, calm environment, whether that's at Starbucks, in Target, in your [00:18:25]living room. And we can do that, we can be present by mirroring and [00:18:30] matching their tone.

Their mood, their posture, their enthusiasm. And [00:18:35] we want to watch our face, right? We've all heard of resting jerk face, okay? [00:18:40] We want to watch what our face is doing. And I mentioned this in [00:18:45] the last episode in how to navigate healthy disagreements around the holidays, but I want to [00:18:50] repeat it here because it also means something when we're serving hurting people.[00:18:55]

7 percent of the meaning of what we're saying is communicated through [00:19:00] our spoken word. 7%! 38 percent is through our [00:19:05] tone of voice and 55 percent is communicated [00:19:10]through your body language. That to me has always been an incredible [00:19:15] statistic. And that was in a book in 1971 called silent [00:19:20] messages. And now the less we're interacting with humans, the more we're online, I [00:19:25] would say it's probably even more 7 percent spoken word.

38 [00:19:30] percent tone of voice, 55 percent body language. So friends, [00:19:35] watch that resting jerk face. What is your body saying to the person who is hurting? [00:19:40] Mr. Rogers said again, The older I get, the more [00:19:45] convinced I am that the space between communicating human beings can be [00:19:50] hollowed pee presence. Give someone the [00:19:55] gift of your presence.

L, listen. And we talked about this [00:20:00] a little bit in our last episode as well. Let's talk about what listening is not. [00:20:05] Listening is not the time you have to wait before talking again. Do we do that? [00:20:10] Don't we? Listening is not thinking of what we're going to say [00:20:15] next. Hearing and listening are not the same thing.

You can [00:20:20] hear them speaking. But you can be listening to the opinions, experiences, [00:20:25] and judgment within yourself. Research [00:20:30] suggests that the average person effectively listens about 25 percent of the [00:20:35] time. That means in a 5 minute story, the other person probably checks out [00:20:40] after about a minute. I want to encourage you to listen in a way that is [00:20:45] entirely in support of the person talking.

A few ways we can do this is to [00:20:50] reflect. When someone's sharing with us, interject with a short [00:20:55] phrase that relates to what they're expressing through their words, their tone of voice, or their body [00:21:00] language. For instance, you could respond and say, [00:21:05] It sounds like your heart is really hurting right now. Or, wow, this must be [00:21:10] difficult for you.

This helps you understand what the speaker is saying, and it [00:21:15] also allows the speaker to feel heard. While someone is [00:21:20] listening, it can be a good tool to clarify. Sometimes when we're all emotional [00:21:25] and hurting, we can ramble and we cannot make sense. So if you don't [00:21:30] fully understand what someone is saying, or if the person speaking glosses over something really [00:21:35] important, Don't forget to clarify.

One way you can do that is [00:21:40] by saying, what do you mean? I'd love to hear more about that. Another [00:21:45] way that we can be good listeners is to summarize. We can show the [00:21:50]person that we've listened to that we've understood what they said. [00:21:55] Sometimes a summary can be good at the end of a larger time of sharing.

For [00:22:00] instance, maybe a friend tells you about their troubled marriage. You can summarize [00:22:05] by saying, So you're feeling alone and hurt in your marriage and you want to work [00:22:10] through it with a counselor. Or we can say, let me make sure that I understand [00:22:15]what you're saying. You are feeling, fill in the blank.

And then you can [00:22:20] ask, am I hearing you correctly? Those are all ways that we can [00:22:25] listen. So remember, listening is not about the time we have to wait before [00:22:30]talking again. Listening is truly bringing ourselves into that moment and being [00:22:35] present. So we are present and we listen. Our E in [00:22:40] plea is empathy. We want to empathize with the person who is [00:22:45] hurting.

Now, empathy and sympathy are two totally different things. And I want to [00:22:50] encourage you to go to YouTube and type in Brene Brown, empathy versus [00:22:55] sympathy. Great little video that highlights this so well on how to [00:23:00] empathize with hurting people. I want to read you this quote from Brene Brown. She says, [00:23:05] Empathy is a way to connect to the emotion another person is experiencing.[00:23:10]

It doesn't require that we have experienced the same situation they're going [00:23:15] through. But we can connect with them. So P is [00:23:20] presence. L is listen. E is Empathize [00:23:25] and A is Advocate. As helpers, we are for [00:23:30] them. We are on their side. When we encounter hurting people, we want them to know [00:23:35] that we see them, that we know them, we know their story, we know what they're [00:23:40] sharing, and that they are loved.

When people are hurting, they forget who they are. [00:23:45] They often forget whose they are and where they're heading. If [00:23:50] we can be their advocate and see them from where they're heading and not where they've come from or where [00:23:55] they are now, we can be helpers. Another thing we can do is [00:24:00] let them know that their mistake doesn't define them.

We can advocate for them by saying [00:24:05] your mistake doesn't define you. Even if they've made a mistake, their inner critic is [00:24:10] already beating them up for whatever it is. Don't reinforce that. Help to shatter [00:24:15] the shame in their life. That inner critic, that voice of shame, often tells us that we [00:24:20] are something bad.

So let them know their mistake does not define [00:24:25] them. Pain feels like a period at the end of their story. Let them know [00:24:30] this is not the end of their story. See, as a helper, [00:24:35] as someone who shows presence, listening, empathy, and advocacy, [00:24:40] you can hold the hope for them until they can hold it for themselves.

[00:24:45] Mike Foster says they need to know that God is good even when life [00:24:50] sucks. Mike also says, let God define the pain rather than [00:24:55] allow the pain to define God. I want to encourage you [00:25:00] also to ask open ended questions rather than asking closed [00:25:05] ended questions that only require yes or no answers. Ask open ended questions [00:25:10] instead of did you have a good day?

Try what was the highlight of your day today? [00:25:15] Ask open ended questions. Mr. Rogers says if you could [00:25:20] only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet, how important [00:25:25] you can be to the people you may never even dream of. [00:25:30] As a helper, I want to leave you with one last thing. I want to encourage [00:25:35] you to help yourself while being a helper.

Give [00:25:40] yourself margin and take care of yourself. Never [00:25:45] work harder than the person you are helping. You can be present, [00:25:50] listen, empathize, and advocate for them. You are a [00:25:55] cheerleader, an encourager, but don't be more concerned about being needed [00:26:00] helpful. I want to leave you with this. Mike Foster [00:26:05] says, You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.[00:26:10]

I hope this was a helpful episode for you today as you encounter hurting people in your [00:26:15]everyday life. If you would like more resources on this topic, or if you're [00:26:20] interested in bringing our full workshop to your church or organization, you can email [00:26:25] us at podcast at reclaim story. dot com. We'll see you in two [00:26:30] weeks.

Same time, same place. Thanks for listening. I pray you [00:26:35] found hope in today's conversation and maybe even feel a little less alone in your [00:26:40] story. Stay connected with us on Facebook and Instagram at reclaimed [00:26:45] story. Want to learn more about living a reclaimed life and how you can be a part of our [00:26:50] growing community of reclaimers.

Check out our website at reclaimed story. com [00:26:55] All of those links and more will be in the show notes. And if you enjoyed this [00:27:00] inspirational podcast, be sure to subscribe, rate, and review. Not [00:27:05] only will you be the first one to know when new content comes out, but it is also a huge help [00:27:10] in helping us reach more people to live the reclaimed life.