Unwanted; Greatest Pain Into Purpose ~ Jennifer Milbourn Ep. 43

Unwanted. That one word is packed with a lot of meaning. We may feel unwanted, our experiences may reinforce that belief, but our God proclaims a different truth. In this episode, meet Jennifer Milbourn; a Christ-follower, wife, and mother, who happens to have also survived her mom's abortion procedure. Hear how God has turned her pain into purpose.

Connect with Jennifer Milbourn on Facebook
You can contact Jennifer @ ASN_Jen78@outlook.com

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Transcript

LRL Ep 43 Unwanted; Greatest Pain into Purpose - 

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

abortion, unwanted, felt, story, life, lord, moment, god, survivors, survived, melissa, survivor, trauma, scrubbing, pain, forgive, people, sharing, forgiveness, thought

Transcript is autogenerated

SPEAKERS

Jennifer Milburn, Denisha Workizer

Denisha Workizer  00:00

Welcome to Living the Reclaim life Podcast. I'm Denisha We're glad you're here for conversations that revive hope, inspire healing and encourage you to live a vibrant life with Christ. So grab a cup of coffee as we chat with today's guest. Welcome to this episode of living the reclaimed life. Today, I get to introduce you to my friend Jennifer Milburn. And Jennifer, we're so we're so excited to have you today. For so many reasons. We have been laughing a lot off the air, and just having fun. So today's gonna be very real conversation.

Jennifer Milburn  00:34

It is. And that's exactly how it should be.

Denisha Workizer  00:37

It is it is. Well, Jennifer, welcome. I'm so excited to have you on the podcast. I know. We've been trying for this for a few months. So glad to finally get you on here.

Jennifer Milburn  00:46

Yes, thank you for having me. I'm excited.

Denisha Workizer  00:50

Me too. Well, I got to meet you through the abortion Survivors Network. You were involved way before I even found out I was a survivor, which was so cool. Thank you for pioneering that road with Melissa before. And now both of us are taking this crazy adventure out into using our stories and just being out there as speaker. So I'm just excited for everybody to get to know you and get to know your heart and just what the Lord has kind of dropped in your spirit for today.

Jennifer Milburn  01:21

Oh, thank you. Yeah, I know. It is a crazy journey that doesn't really have a roadmap with it.

Denisha Workizer  01:28

Yes, I would really like the like six year plan with Excel sheets nicely tucked in a three ring binder. Anybody who knows me is laughing because that is what I would like. And the adventure that you and I are on in this season of our lives is not that. And there's a part of me as much as I would love it. I think boring, because every day is a new adventure.

Jennifer Milburn  01:51

Right? Have you seen that meme that has the roller coaster? And they're just about to go down the steep incline? And it says when walking with Holy Spirit,

Denisha Workizer  02:01

and then the passengers like all calm, right? Yes, there's like one freaking out and then like the one represents Holy Spirit's, I'll come Yeah, I'm the one freaking out with my arms up like

Jennifer Milburn  02:13

you too. Me too, girl.

Denisha Workizer  02:16

Well, tell us a little bit about you. There's so many just life changes you're going through right now. And so much that you've come through. So tell us a little bit about

Jennifer Milburn  02:26

your story. Yeah, so my name is Jennifer Jen. And I'm 43 years old, been married for 22 years. And I have three kids. My oldest is 21. His name is Ethan. And he's a marine serving down in San Diego, and married and adulting way better than I did at his age. I'm so proud. And I have my daughter is Maddie. She's 20 years old. She's a criminal justice nature, wanting to help victims of a variety of traumas. And she definitely has a gift and as far as talking out the really difficult things that people can go through. So we're really proud of her for pursuing her passion. And I have an 18 year old son who's up at Oregon State, he plays football, and he got up there on scholarship was completely God's provision. And he has straight A's and staying true to who he is. And being a mostly good boy up there. Right. And we're, we're super proud of him. Yeah, so life changes. I quit my job a week ago. And yeah, I just quit. God provided for you know, a couple of months of income, so I could kind of decide what to do next. And it really didn't require any decision on my part. The Lord just said, Okay, this is where we're gonna go, this is who you are, this is what you're going to do to travel and share my story and bring hope to people and I mean, what better job is there than that?

Denisha Workizer  03:58

Yeah, that's pretty amazing. Especially right now, you know, with our stories as survivors that it's it's a narrative. I think that's so well needed. And I'm so grateful for Melissa for really pioneering that in for she saw this coming and saw us getting out there using our stories, sharing our stories, our voice before we ever even imagined finding healing, you know from our stories. So would you share a little bit about your survivor story?

Jennifer Milburn  04:30

Yeah, so I found out when I was 19 years old, and I was out shopping with my adoptive mom. And I like most teenagers, I challenged my mom to tell me something really cool. I didn't know about myself. It must have been a gardener because she ended up sharing with me that my biological mom, who was her sister went in for an abortion and was unable to completed due to the size of my head at the time, obviously just stationary, I was farther along than she probably told the, the abortionist at the clinic. And she was told. So it was a vacuum aspiration procedure, which is what I survived. And that requires me to prolong to being inserted into the embryonic sac. And it basically, and I'm sorry for the wording, I hope this doesn't trigger anyone. But it basically sucks up the baby. And you'll notice that I don't say fetus, because that's a scientific word. But ultimately, no matter how small life is, it is considered a baby. So my head was just stationary for their long and was they were unable to complete the procedure. And the abortionist ended up telling her that more than likely she would miscarry the baby because the the embryonic sac was torn. And lo and behold, I was born I guess about five months later, and survived it. So my adoptive mom told me the story. I am 19 years old, right? And I just looked at her looked out the window of the truck we were in, and I just start crying because it was so overwhelming. I didn't know what to do with it. And she told me, Hey, just just you need to be fine with it. Because you're here and you like you get to live. So don't worry about it. And I know that can sound harsh on her apart. But she really I think she was embarrassed that that had come out of her mouth. She probably didn't think I was gonna react the way I did. And wanted me to be okay. And I think as parents, sometimes we say things like that, like, No, you are okay. So be okay. And we don't validate the pain and the hurt with it. So I, I was an obedient child. And so I built this wall and wiped my tears. And I didn't deal with the trauma of learning that probably until my late 20s, early 30s. And it was even something that when I married my husband when I was 21. I didn't even tell him at the time, because it was this secret this family secret, right. And it was so deep. And so to me so horrific, because I had already dealt with feeling unwanted for so long, that that just confirmed that I was unwanted. And being the positive encouraging personality. I still was despite that, at least for other people. Of course, I wouldn't encourage myself necessarily, right? Because I was so unwanted. I wasn't in a place to deal with it. Yeah. So that that was basically what I survived. And I was once the moment when I began to deal with it. I was at a women's prayer meeting. And my pastor, Pastor slowly McDonald got up and started sharing her story of being adopted and saved from a family of alcoholics. And I thought, Oh, my goodness, like someone else's adopted. Granted, I wasn't even focused on the abortion, surviving the abortion. But you know, even being adopted in itself comes with its challenges. And most of the kids I grew up weren't adopted, and they were raised in their families. So I still felt like an outcast and unwanted because of the adoption. So I thought okay, Jen, you know, your late 20s, probably around 29 or 30. It's time to share that you're adopted, because I hadn't told anyone. And so this was like a women's group. We're all sharing our heart. So I get up and say, yeah, so I'm adopted and gave a little bit of information regarding it. And then all of a sudden, it like spilled out of my mouth that I survived an abortion. And I literally, like my hands went up to my mouth, and I went, Oh, like, what did I just do? And I just started crying. And I sat down, and I just covered my face. And it was completely silence. I mean, I'm just like, through the shocking fact out there. The women didn't know what to do with it. And my pastor sling just came over and just wrapped her arms around me and that was the moment that I realized, okay, like, this is a trauma. This is something that I need to deal with, that I need to come to grips with.

Denisha Workizer  09:28

And didn't you see you knew the Lord then How old were you when you came to the Lord? I was 2020. So imagine finding out you're a survivor and then really beginning to read I guess wrestle with it. Would you say when when you were at that retreat did that kind of began a process of wrestling with with that trauma or

Jennifer Milburn  09:50

it did it a lot of those emotions that I felt when I was 19 when I found out came spilling out, and up until that point, my My focus was, you know, raising my three kids being a wife, I'm learning about Jesus, who is he? What did he do for me? What can I do for him? And those, you know, I had felt that Call of leadership, as well. And so I wanted to answer that call. But I had known that there was this deep seated pain, always like in the back, right like way stuff down in my soul that I didn't know what to do with. And I think I felt that it would never be resolved. That that was just my life a lot in life, because my biological mom didn't want me and I was adopted within the family. But still, there were so many challenges within the family, because when you have a secret like that, you're not raised as for at least from my experience, that was always hanging over me. And it was always kind of told to me, like in little ways, like, you know, Jenny, go away, go to your room, Jenny, you're talking too much go away. So I had been raised by older parents who didn't have as much patience, probably for someone young. And because on top of this, my biological mom was an alcoholic. So I don't, as far as I know, I don't have any physical repercussions of the actual abortion itself. But more of the alcoholism, there were just certain things resembling fetal alcohol syndrome that didn't fully develop. And part of that, I believe, is some things with my thought process, and the way that I think was just a little different than others. And my emotions, of course, my emotions, were kind of all over the place. So in taking all of that, at that moment, when I was at that women's prayer group, and I said this, all those insecurities just came flooding back and was very overwhelming. And I remember at that point, I was, didn't have a job. So I was home with my kids, they were my main priority. And thankfully, my husband worked and provided for us, I did a lot of crying. And it was putting my kids in front of the TV, or go outside and play was a big one with us go get a board game, just so I could process you know, my pain through that.

Denisha Workizer  12:19

And I'm curious, when that narrative, and so many of us as survivors, I know people listening might think, Whoa, hold on, like survived an abortion. Is that a thing? Right, we get asked that a lot. Is that a thing? Right? That's a thing. And there's a whole lot of us, right. And one narrative that I know that flows through a lot of our hearts is that unwanted piece that you described? And so I would love to hear a little bit about just how did how did Jesus his narrative over you? How did that because I think a lot of people survivor, not survivor, we can relate to that unwanted feeling based on the families we grew up in, or circumstances in life. How did Jesus help you? How did your relationship with him help you with that unwanted narrative?

Jennifer Milburn  13:08

So when I joined the church, and got to know him, and what he did for me, right, and became a like, Christian wife, a mom kind of took up my role in the church as far as ministries, I felt that I was always coming up against this wall. And then I couldn't get past that wall. And it was really frustrating. Because I would think, Oh, well, it's because you're not good enough. And you're unwanted. So it's okay. Because God will give you as much as he can, because you're unwanted. I mean, the lie of being unwanted was so deep in my psyche, in my heart, that I had accepted it and was like, well, it's okay, because God can only do so much for me. And so in that thought process, I'm putting him in a box and I'm not allowing him to fully flood my heart. But it really came down to this moment, I was cleaning my bathroom. And I was on my knees like scrubbing the floor, right? Because I have boys and they miss and it's frustrating. And I've been I'm in my zone, right? Like, today's my cleaning day and I'm gonna clean and I felt I was listening to you know, worship music, which I usually do. And I felt kind of the Lord just like pressing on my heart like, hey, I want to talk to you. Immediately. I was like, Um, no, I'm cleaning my floors. I started

Denisha Workizer  14:33

my lesson there spiritual moments all throughout the day, laundry, scrubbing floors, boys, all the things those are spiritual moments to.

Jennifer Milburn  14:42

It's terrible because I was just, you know, in my zone. So I start scrubbing again. And it was like a, hey, let's talk and I and I thought, oh, like, this is a moment we need to have Okay, so I stopped scrubbing. I just sat on the floor. And I just felt you know, the stillness small, quiet voice within me saying, I want you to forgive your biological mom. And he said her name, of course. And I thought, well, that's weird. Like, what do I do with that? And I just sat there and didn't reply. And I just felt him, you know, kind of press that again, on my heart. And over and over, probably across a half hour period, like, if I'm being honest, you know, sometimes we don't always just jump to, to the things that the Lord, you know, asks to this, right, even though I'd like to think I would, every time because of everything God's done for me. I just kind of sat there stubborn thinking, Well, I don't know how to do that. And no, why would I do that? His love just like, flooded me in a way that I had never felt it before. Even after these, like probably 10 or so years of going to church, and being involved in worship and knowing who God is and what he can do for us. And so I kind of fell on the ground, you know, face first and start crying. And I said, The words I forgive, you know, my biological mom. And I just, I'll be honest, I didn't feel a whole lot from it. It wasn't like this glorious moment of God's presence or anything. It was just like a release. Okay, I did it, I was obedient. And I thought, okay, and then I felt like, you know, he, like I did what I You want me to do, and I just wiped my tears and went back to scrubbing the floor. But then the next day, he came to me again, and told me to say it, and it was a little bit easier. And so I did. And then it was just weeks and months of, you know, him reminding me to say it. And I didn't really begin to start feeling anything probably for a couple of months, because I felt like I was doing it more out of obedience, which, you know, we should always have a heart to do for the Lord. But there was a moment in my bedroom where I was just getting ready. And I just kind of have handedly said it. And I just stopped and paused and realize that that bitterness, that twinge of pain wasn't there. And by my confessing that I forgave her, I was practicing forgiveness. And it had never occurred to me that forgiveness could be practiced, right? Because I like to think with forgiveness, the emotions have to match up what I'm saying. So if I'm saying I forgive her, then I have to feel like I forgive her, I have to feel better, I have to not feel the pain anymore. And it just kind of opened up my this entire message, if you will, of like, what forgiveness really was. And after probably over a year of doing this daily, I read, I recognized that I had forgiven her. And I was finally in a place where that wall that I kept hitting right in my life with the Lord had crumbled and was gone. And I was stopping myself from moving forward with him. He is obviously greater than our pain, greater than that feeling of unwanted newness that had overtaken everything in me, right, prevented me from fully knowing true heal healing, and forgiveness with him. And that was really the moment that I realized, oh, wow, this is huge. And shortly after, or maybe a couple years after that, my friend crispy, you know, had gone to the valley. I live up in the California mountains. So we have a valley for all our shopping needs. And she had seen Melissa Odin, who's the founder of abortion Survivors Network at a Christian of speaking events. And came to my work. I was working at a coffee house at the time, and said, Hey, I met this woman named Melissa Oda and I gave her your email address, and here's hers, she survived an abortion. You should talk to her. I was taking out the trash at the time. I like to hang out, right? I've got two big bags of cash and I'm like, Excuse me. And she I had to repeat it. And I said, What do you mean she survived an abortion? Because even back then I didn't. There was no Burbidge for it. I had never Googled, oh, did anyone else survive an abortion? I think it was such a traumatic event and pain in my life. That, you know, I was so closed in and like self centered in the sense of my own pain that I didn't even have the idea to see if anyone else had survived it right? Because I just wanted to hide it because I didn't want that to be a part of who I was. And so she repeated herself and gave me the email address. And I said, Okay, we'll see. And I went back to work. And I don't think I emailed Melissa for a couple of months. And even when I did it was, I hope she doesn't still have it. It was a little awkward. You know, hey, you saved an abortion. I did, too. So, yeah, I hope you have a good day. Bye.

Denisha Workizer  20:24

What do you I'm sorry? My email had to be so awkward to you. She does have them no, just because of who she is. Right? Oh, no. Right. So what did you receive back from her?

Jennifer Milburn  20:37

She sent me back an email pretty quickly. I remember it was like just within a few hours, and said, Hi, my name is Melissa has briefly shared her story with me. And that she was so proud of me for reaching out. And then she just started speaking of the the unwanted miss the things that I had struggled with. And that in itself was overwhelming, because I felt like she was in my head. And I'm going, Okay, I haven't really shared a whole lot of this, because by this time, I did share my story at our local pregnancy center for fundraising gala they had had, and which, you know, that was like the beginning of my public speaking, if you will. And, you know, I had my notes right in front of me, and it was, you know, just me reading it, because it was so emotional. And I hadn't fully, you know, it was just the beginning of sharing something that's so personal, that tormented me for so long. But I wanted to help the pregnancy center, and if they had an abortion survivor, or for me back then I pointed as a survivor of an abortion, then that would help them get more money for their costs. So that's really why I did it. And I shared my story, and they put that in the newsletter. So other than that, that was my only experience with surviving an abortion. So all the feelings, everything that I'd had up to that point. Melissa's, you know, rollout in the Slatter. And I thought, oh my gosh, like, this is a woman I have to get to know. And that was, unbeknownst to me. That was the beginning of the Lord fully, like beginning to show me what my calling and purpose was, because that was something that I desired all of these years of serving him, what is my calling and purpose, and for the meantime, majority of it was raising my children. I mean, that should be you know, Mama's as our number one ministry, pouring everything that we are into our kids raising each kid the way that God wants us to write, because they're all so different. And sometimes they require a little bit of different shepherding and loving in teaching. And it just started this conversation. And I like I think I told you earlier, when we were just hanging out and talking and I created my little Facebook page, you know, I modeled it immediately after hers, and was like, Okay, well, I guess this is who I am. How, how funny and weird that God would take my greatest pain, and turn it into my calling and purpose.

Denisha Workizer  23:16

Amen. I think that's true for so many, you know, people who we we watch God turn our pain into purpose. I mean, I think that's amazing, because you had victory over that it started scrubbing that toilet that day, when God began to have you forgive your biological mom, and that, what a journey you went on. And that victory that you have, can be a victory for other people, too. Just like Melissa was further down the road than you were, you know, when you first reached out to her than I was when I reached out to her, that she was further down the road in her healing in her way to see all of the things and it's so neat that then she was there to reach out a hand to you and to me and to all the other survivors to say, like, I'm here, and you're going to get through this, there was so much peace, the fact that we got an email back from a real person, I know not like a form email, it was genuinely she was speaking to what ever I vomited in my email, you know, and it was just so neat to get that, you know, I understand what you're going through. And, you know, I can It feels very small. There's over 400 of us now that we've connected with us, we know that there's 10s of 1000s of survivors. And it's just a matter of, you know, getting out and helping people like when Melissa spoke and your friend came to you and said, like, I found someone else with this piece of their story. You know, you just you don't know until you know, yeah, it's a matter of just us getting mobilized and getting out there. But I love for her to be able to say me too, and for you to go oh, I'm not alone in that. I have found so much healing. Yeah, just through being connected with other people. who have similar stories as I do that's been incredible for my healing journey. I don't know how that's been for you.

Jennifer Milburn  25:08

Well, it's funny because I go back to that moment I was scrubbing my bathroom floor. And what if I hadn't, you know, taken that step to forgive my biological mom? Like, would I have been receptive to Melissa's email? Would I have even emailed her in the first place? Because it was such a lie, right that had consumed me, that had me so convinced that I was unwanted, and that just like branched out into every area of my life, except with my children, because they, my, my kids, right? They're so great. They, they loved me, and they loved me well, and my husband loved me and loved me well, but I didn't love me. But for some reason, they saw something in me. And I sometimes I just kind of it's sobers me up in a sense, and like humbles me, when I go back to that moment on the floor, just scrubbing. You know, I had a choice to make. And I'm so like, with forgiveness, and I think that's why I'm just so passionate about it. When we take that moment out of obedience, it can be one of the most difficult obstacles in our way of becoming fully in relationship with the Lord, right. I mean, he will come to us when we're dirty and scrubbing a bathroom floor, right. But he doesn't want us to stay in that place. And of course, we have many bathroom floors, that we're gonna scrub from here on out. And when I say dirty, I say that I, I was just living a lie. That was something that he never intended me to live. But he, you know, he saved my life. And there's so many more other, you know, little lives that it's hard for a survivors to focus on. Because why me why us, but, you know, he, he saw something in us. And there was a calling, there was a plan, there was a purpose. And I think for any survivor of anything, you know, if we were to just turn our focus back on that pain, which is hard, but you know, he never, he never wants us to live in that place of trauma. He wants the best for us. And when we truly trust the Father, He opens doors. And, you know, years later here, you and I are calling ourselves pro life speakers, and administering messages of hope and forgiveness and love. And, you know, surviving an abortion, I mean, we should just be consumed with anger and hurt. And there, there were moments of that, but that wasn't failure. Right? Those were moments that as humans, we need to process, but eventually give that pain over to the Lord. And you know, you just never know what he'll do with you. I had no idea. I mean, I never thought, oh, surviving this abortion is gonna give me a great, you know, job 20 years from now, or you know, whatever. Think like, you haven't asked me for, to give a challenge yet to our audience. But I just have to tell all of you that no matter the pain, no matter the trauma you have in your past, if you will just trust the Lord and trust those that the Lord gives to you that want to walk with you through those those deep, dirty places. And those difficult places. You never know what he's gonna do with your story. There's, there's a hurting world out there and even more now since COVID. You know, all the movements, all the stuff that's going on across the US, like there's a hurting world that we need to help. And we can it can be such an easy, as easy as sharing a story, telling people what you've gone through and what you did to get to that place and one person hears it. And like accepts the challenge to forgive accepts the challenge to move forward and find counseling and find healing or to trust a woman who says they survived an abortion as well. And that they're there to help you. I mean, it's i Wow, what a God moment. Ah, I love this. Denisa so glad we could talk today.

Denisha Workizer  29:26

What I think I think it's very relatable you know, like, like, if you're listening and you haven't survived an abortion, right, that's that's a very unique niche to be in. But I think if we put our stories in the picture that the Lord gave me a couple years ago was like a big pot, like we're gonna cook a pot. And if we put our stories specifically as survivors, and other women put their stories in the pot, whether it be abuse, neglect, abandonment, whatever our stories are, that created that trauma in our lives. We put that in we turn it The heat and we boil off the exact situations, the exact circumstances of our stories we can agree with that's probably left in the bottom of that pot is unwanted. Is shame, is guilt is all of these emotions. And that is what we can come together as women and even men to like we can come together and lock arms and go, my story might be different than yours. But I can relate to that feeling that you had as a result of it. And those are the things that God wants to attend to. Those are the things that when you bring forgiveness in that when you allow him to speak to you, those things are the things that we can remove out of the pot, so we can not have to carry that load around with us all the time. And time and time again, I've seen that and that's one of the passions, you know, with reclaimed story, people have said, Well, do you need to niche down a little bit more, not just women who have had pain in their past? And I'm like, No, it's women who have had something traumatic in their past and realize that a huge portion, but when you put us all in the room together, whether it be addiction, whether it be whatever, you put all of us in the room together, and we can relate to those heart feelings. And I think that is where that's where the Lord wants to tend he's not remember what there's a quote that like, God isn't as concerned about our circumstances, as he is the the places in our heart and not that he's not concerned with our circumstances, more concerned about the impact it has on our heart. Right, so just tending to those together, and I love the tenderness that you had to show up each day and just be obedient and say, Okay, God, I I'm forgiving, you know, her, you know, for this, like, there's such a beautiful lesson in that. And you mentioned that you were practicing forgiveness. Yeah, that really struck me because I think sometimes we think it's one and done. Or, if I do that, it's going to bring more and more up in me. But what you found is, the more you practice forgiveness, the more forgiveness you stepped into, and the more healing that God gave you.

Jennifer Milburn  32:07

It was like, what the Lord gave me was my confession is my possession. And that's something I know, that's something my, one of my pastors at my church had preached on years ago. And so it was just one message that was great. And I left it at that moment. But I realized, because there was one day, I didn't want to say it. And yeah, I was just having one of those days. And the words, you know, my confession is my possession, what I confess and say, is what I'm going to possess and what's going to be reality. And I know as Christians, you know, when you take the subject of psychology, you know, in science, we definitely like science is real. But there's definitely aspects of it, you know, we don't agree with, but the more positivity that comes out of our mouth, I do believe that affects us. And it certainly affects other people, right? If we're always speaking negative, then people aren't going to want to be around you. But if we're speaking positive things about ourselves and about others, we're gonna want to be around and looking back at the process, you know, because you don't, when you're doing something out of obedience, you don't see the bigger picture. But I'm thankful that now that I'm well past it, I can see that bigger picture from the Lord's perspective. And that yeah, by just doing it out of obedience was showing my heart for him and wanting to do the right thing. But because God is such a good God, he didn't stop it right there. He gave me full and complete healing in it. And then on top of it introduced me to a network that understood, like I finally had someone that understood where I had been. And then on top of it, my calling and purpose came into play as well. So it wasn't just, I'm going to do this out of obedience, and I was obedient and Okay, great. He just kept building on top of it. And isn't that how God works in our lives? I mean, we, we, we people, like, we can't imagine the things that He has for us and how he's going to bring them to play. And I wanted to address one thing you had said, or it got me thinking about this is I know, with people who have gone through multiple traumas, and I am one of those people, and they're when we go through something like my family recently went through a pretty big trauma about four years ago. And then it stayed with us for a four year process. And there were those moments where I would say how could you Lord, because we know how powerful God is and that he could prevent situations from happening. Especially as a mother, I prayed for my children's safety every day, right? And one of my one of my kids had had something you know, happen against them. Yeah. And my initial reaction was like, how could you like I prayed to you, I talked to you, I was obedient and forgiving my birth mom, you know, all these little things like, how could you allow that to happen? Because you didn't have to. And I realized in that thinking, like, obviously, I had some anger towards the Lord. But God's a big God. And that's okay. Right, he can handle that we're angry at him. And I think when we're honest, and we show that anger to him, and not try to hide it out of shame, that that's an actual better place to be in, because he sees that you're recognizing he's angry at you. And he can do he can work in that, right. And over time, I realized, wow, what a distraction. It is to be constantly for me, like going to the Lord saying, How could you do this? How could you do this? Because obviously, it's not God's intention to cause bad things to help to hurt people, right? We happen to live in a world where sin has run rampant, and bad things unfortunately, happen. But the goodness of God tells us that he can take that situation that that bad painful one, and turn it around for his good. And sometimes in our humaneness. We think, Oh, well, it will look this way. And more often than not, it won't. Because God is the God of all things, right? He sees the bigger picture. He saw us when we were in the womb, just like that tiny little speck. And he knew the greatness that would be within us, he knew the moments that we would forgive and trust Him and move forward in our walks with him. And people that have gone through those traumas, I get it when we blame God, why didn't you stop this from happening? But and I'm speaking from a person who has gone through multiple things, and I can today I'm only speaking of, you know, surviving that abortion, which in itself is, you know, wild and crazy enough. But when we take that focus off of God allowed this to happen, and God hurt me, we open ourselves to a point to where it's like, okay, this happened. I can't stop it from happening. Unfortunately, our lives are going to completely change. And we're going to go down a new path. But I will trust the Lord. I will trust him with my family, I will trust him, you know, with my heart, and I will trust him where he's leading me, no matter what, right? And we can never go wrong, trusting in Him. But if there is anyone out there who's angry at the Lord, for what has happened to them, I would tell you that in your prayer time, or even when you're on the floor, in your bathroom, scrubbing the floor, just yell it out to him, I'm angry at you. How Why would you allow this to happen? And see what happens from that when we are honest, and how we feel. See what God can do a lot.

Denisha Workizer  37:53

His shoulders are big enough to carry that. Yeah, and all that. Thank you for what you've shared today. And I just I appreciate your honesty, I appreciate your heart and the example that kind of you challenge all of us to in different areas, whether it be forgiveness, whether it be you know, fighting back with the truth against the lies that we believe so yeah, so much. And Jen, if someone was listening, and they thought, wow, I can really connect with her and they want to follow you or connect with you outside of this podcast. How can they do that?

Jennifer Milburn  38:29

Yes. So I have a Facebook page. Jennifer Milburn vacuum aspiration abortion survivor, and I am also on the abortion Survivors Network webpage. And if I think if there's a search bar you just type in Jennifer Milburn or go to the speakers tab, you'll see my picture and my story on there. So if you'd like to get a hold of me, I'd love to talk to you.

Denisha Workizer  38:53

She's pretty easy to talk to ourselves. Jim, thank you so much. Thanks for being with us today.

Jennifer Milburn  39:01

Thank you for having me. This was this was my, my pleasure. Thank you. What an honor.

Denisha Workizer  39:08

Thanks for listening. I pray you found hope in today's conversation, and maybe even feel a little less alone in your story. Stay connected with us on Facebook and Instagram at reclaimed story. Want to learn more about living a reclaimed life and how you can be a part of our growing community of Reclaimers check out our website at reclaim story.com all of those links and more will be in the show notes. And if you enjoyed this inspirational podcast Be sure to subscribe rate and review. That is a huge help and helping us reach more people to live the reclaimed life. Thank you so much for listening