Set Yourself Up For Success This Holiday ~ Phil Lynn Ep. 41

Holidays can be stressful. How can you keep your composure when you feel like you are going to lose it? What if you can catch yourself before you say something you regret? In this episode, Phil Lynn Family and Relationship Coach shared three ways we can help to regulate our emotions this holiday season.

If you would like personalized help in the relationships in your life, you can connect with Phil directly at  phil@thetriasgroup.com
Connect with Phil through his website at https://www.thetriasgroup.com

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Transcript

Ep 41 Set Yourself Up For Success This Holiday - Transcript is auto-generated.

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

brain, regulate, phil, holidays, body, family, starts, table, evoked, feel, senses, people, present, hawk, peace, bruce banner, sit, uncle johnny, expectations, self-regulation

SPEAKERS

Phil Lynn, Denisha Workizer

Denisha Workizer  00:00

Welcome to Living the Reclaim life Podcast. I'm Denisha we're glad you're here for conversations that revive hope, inspire healing and encourage you to live a vibrant life with Christ. So grab a cup of coffee as we chat with today's guest. This is the time of year that we talk about gratitude that we talk about the holidays that are coming up, we have some anticipation, we have some expectations on what that's going to look like. And so to talk about that, and talk about what is unique about this year, I've invited my friend Phil in who's a certified life coach, and he focuses on families and couples. And I think we can have a great conversation today on what do the holidays look like, in the midst of year two of COVID. So Phil, welcome. We're so happy to have you today.

Phil Lynn  00:52

It's so good to be here. Denisha And speaking of family, it is such a joy to spend time with you and your family. And love you guys. And thank you so much for inviting me to be on the podcast with you.

Denisha Workizer  01:07

Okay, so I have to share a funny memory. Can I share a funny memory? Absolutely. One night, my daughter goes out into the garage. And next thing I know this hooded person comes storming through our house throwing those gigantic marshmallows at us. And that was Phil that was Phil, he had called my daughter and said, Hey, open the garage door for me, ran through my house, and had like this massive snowball fight with gigantic marshmallows. And then you just took off and left me to clean it up. This is who you get to learn from Phil is so much fun. And we were pastors together at our church. I've known him for 20 years now. Goodness, gracious. I was like 12, I think? So yeah, I'm looking forward to this conversation, though. I know you are doing some deep dives on couple work and family work and, and working with trauma, and how to help people through that. And, you know, as we go into this is year two, right, this is your two of COVID. And so is Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up, I would love to just kind of pick your brain and have a conversation about what does it look like for us to just be successful during the holidays, to set ourselves up for success during the holidays with our families with our friends, maybe there are people who are going to get back together with their you know, their larger family or their, you know, bigger group of friends. Or perhaps it's just, you know, your intimate, you know, immediate family. But this year, I think is going to look a little bit different. What are your thoughts on that?

Phil Lynn  02:49

A great point, because last year, most of us didn't get together. Or like you said we only had a small number of people or just immediate family. And so we have new expectations, different expectations. Some people are saying we want to continue to not get back together with a larger family. So what is the expectation? What is that hot? What are your holidays look like in that context? Others are saying no, we want to include a larger group. And so what will that look like? The expectations for many of us are new and different from last year and definitely different from two years ago. What is that dream? What is that picture that we have? So maybe it's the Nisha this, that we're all we're at peace with one another? We don't have arguments going on? What are some other expectations? Do you think people have gone into this holiday season?

Denisha Workizer  03:48

I know for me, it would be traditions with my kids. You know, like there are certain family members that there used to always be here during the holidays, there are certain things that we always do, you know, pre COVID And I think that the fear of losing out, maybe even of losing out on those traditions that we've held dear to our family for so long. Yeah, I think I have an expectation for that. I'm just meeting being with friends and family. And you know, I love what you said about peace and unity. Like that's what I want. That's my perfect day, right is just peace and unity. I'm a peacemaker. And so I love to sit around the table and everybody going well and that stress starts to come in the room somebody says something that I know some politics come up or you know, something like that instantly I'll feel that this feeling in my gut like of Oh no, you know, here we go. And I'll try to figure out how to iron out the wrinkles even before the wrinkles appear if that makes sense. So I think those are my expectations is peace, unity, traditions, just kumbaya.

Phil Lynn  04:53

Absolutely. And we all have that. That desire, don't we? We want that laughter around The Christmas tree around the turkey and we want everybody to get along. Yeah. So what are we do Denisha? Ah, when we aren't getting along like you said, the face is broken, so to speak. And we start to feel that tension, what do we do to still have a successful holiday, when the tension starts to come? You know, what's interesting to Nisha is the effect on that tension, what it has on our body, and what it does to our brain. And if we could work on our brain, it will help us to have a successful holiday season. So I want everybody in the audience to hold up their hand. And like they're raising their hand, okay? This, your hand represents your brain. Now, I want you to take your thumb and push it inward to go across your hand. Okay, now I want you to take your fingers and close over your thumb.

Denisha Workizer  06:06

I was always told never to punch this way.

Phil Lynn  06:09

That's true, that would hurt. Well, I don't want you to punt. And you're not supposed to punch anybody around the Thanksgiving table this way, either. Oh, so when you get tense, that's what we're not trying to figure that one out. This ball now represents your brain, the fingers, the front of your fingers in that top represents the front of your brain. And we call that the thinking part of your brain. Okay, so in this dysfunction, right, I can talk comfortably. I'm focused, I'm in control, I'm having a good time with my family around the table. Now the tension starts to come, maybe I'm triggered from my partner, I'm triggered for my spouse, they might say something or do something, or my brother or someone in the family starts to trigger, you say things and start raising your fingers up now. That represents the stress and trauma in your life, that now that the thinking part of your brain is offline, is no longer functional. So you can't think clearly anymore. Now the thumb part represents what we call the limbic part of your brain. That's called your survival mode. Okay? And in your survival mode, you're asking the question, Am I safe? If you're out in the wild, and you have a tiger running after you, you want your brain to do this because he wants to either fight that tiger or flee our freeze for safety, survival, right? But we're now receiving around the dining table. Okay. And now, we can't think straight, we can't talk straight. And we are now what we call dysregulated all over our body. And now, our response is I start fighting, or I start shutting down. And then it's not pretty. Okay, it's what we call halt mode. Remember, being Bruce Banner turning to the green monster, Hulk.

Denisha Workizer  08:16

that was the scariest cartoon ever when I was growing up? Yes, I completely remember that I would have to turn it off. Because the Hulk has he would like, shred his clothes and turn into the Hulk. That was really scary.

Phil Lynn  08:28

Have you ever felt that way around the dinner table, when arguments start to come into play and stress starts coming into play? Now everybody's sitting around the table being hawk. So what do we do now, do Nisha, now that that's going on, that tendency is to either shut down or start fighting. And now more and more, we're just escalating. So all we need to do our goal needs to be is to calm the brain down. So if you take your hand up, put your thumb across there, and close your hand again. Now the thinking brain starts to take over. So that means we need to what we call regulate our bodies. So we're going to do self regulation with our body and there's 334 there's a lot of different things we can do. Well, let me let me talk about three different things. The first one is deep breathing. And you can even do that at the table or just stand up and walk over to the kitchen sink. And just calm yourself or if you want to sit down somewhere, put your feet on flat on the floor. Close your eyes. Breathe, then hold it for a couple of seconds. And then Breathe out. Breathe in through your nose, breathe out through your mouth. The important thing here is not the breathing. Now, you don't want to hold your breath too long. Because you're not getting oxygen now you're just continuing to deregulate your body. The key is breathing out. So you want to breathe out all the air.

Denisha Workizer  10:04

Okay, so I can see this playing out. Okay, here's the picture I have in my head. And these are not my family members just for the record, but I can imagine everybody around the table. And, you know, let's say people's stances on, I'm gonna say it, let's say people stances on vaccines, okay? And you kind of know cuz you know, your family. And next thing you know, Uncle Johnny says something very much contrary to Aunt Susie's opinion of this. And the next thing you know, you can kind of see him starting to go from Bruce Banner, right, he's regulated, he's doing great, too. They start arguing and bickering. And as they're arguing and bickering, you can kind of see both of them starting to shred their clothes turn green. And they are going out of like, where they can handle their emotions. And they're starting to argue. And then I see somebody else rising up to line up with Aunt Susie, somebody else lining up with the same opinion, you know, as he has, and I just can I can feel in my body, right, I can actually feel the tension that you're talking about when I think of just what could happen this holiday season over vaccines or masks or what have you. And the different opinions there, right. So as that's happening, let's say that I start to get a little dysregulated, I start to think, well, I, like I just want peace, right? So even if I don't have a dog in the fight, but I want peace in the moment, is that something that I can do even to like, I want peace for myself, I don't want to jump in or lash out or start to shred my clothes and turn green, you know, like rare. I want to come out like that. I want to help bring peace to the table with me regulating myself. And like maybe me and my immediate family kind of taking those deep breaths, would that help the whole table? Or would that help? Just me

Phil Lynn  12:01

One thing you can do Tanisha and you know, your family, the audience knows their family better than anybody else. But bring humor humor is a is a great tool to regulate the family. So when people are starting to shred their clothes and turn green, and especially if other people in the family know this to say, okay, and it's your nonverbal, it's you're smiling, you're you're bringing joy to the table and say, Okay, we need to do some deep breathing. That's good. And, and their first response, especially if you've prepped your immediate family beforehand, and then others can join in with you. Yay, let's do deep breathing. And that's where you can have fun with the deep breathing. Okay, everybody breathe in, and they might go What in the world is going on. But if you have three or four people doing that, you're going to co regulate the table. And then breathing now we're gonna have a contest. So you can make the lava horse noise. So you breathing out. And what you're doing, it might sound funny to them, but actually, you're releasing the tension in your face. Their nerves, actually go through your ears. And so you're actually by making the the horse noise. You're actually doing something to your body. That's helping you regulate your brain. Now everybody's starting to laugh. They're starting to calm down and de escalated. So they're following your lead, which is really, really important. So yes, I think so. I think too. Does that make sense? Mm hmm. It does bring them the awkward thing with co-regulation, what you said is very true. That what we want to do, we want to start ripping our clothes in turn green, and joining into the fray. If you're able to stay calm, respond with a calm voice, that you're modeling how you want them to act, you actually have neurons that are called mirror neurons where they can start, actually, it's like putting a mirror and they will start reflecting how you're acting. Sometimes depends on how much they've escalated. So definitely tried to bring humor into the table and start to do things to regulate them. Telling someone to calm down when they're in Hulk mode.

Denisha Workizer  14:45

Yeah, how does that work?

Phil Lynn  14:47

Kind of exasperated me. Go there. When you're a little kid watching the hawk on the cartoons. Can you imagine telling Hawk to calm down? Yeah, it doesn't work. because they take it differently. So be able to, to bring humor into it. The other thing you might do, and do what we call a positive timeout. So many times we use timeout as a way to discipline our kids, we're going to flip that around and call it a positive timeout, that we as adults are even going to do. What that does, again, your goal is to cool the brain down, not correct behavior. It's pretty hard to correct HOX behavior. So you need to get hauled back into Bruce Banner mode. And one way to do that is to say, Okay, let's take a positive break, even if you're the only one doing it, it gets you away from the environment and what you do when you get away. And this is something again, you can teach your immediate family, even before the holidays hit, this is something that would be good for families to be doing anyways, that when you start syncing the hot coming on, I'm going to remove myself, but I'm when I removed myself, I'm not just trying to figure out a different way that I'm going to argue when I get back, that you're not pulling the brain off. Actually think of something different. Again, you're visualizing, you're cooling your brain down, then you're able to come back as Bruce Banner. So that's another way to answer your question. What do I do when I start feeling myself? 

Denisha Workizer  16:31

And, you know, I've done that before I am a I'll go hide in the bathroom. I'm an introvert. So if I've been around a lot of people for a long time with a lot of noise and, and like just stimulation from, you know, audio, visual, all the things, I'll go sit in the bathroom for a few minutes, just to kind of have a couple minutes to myself. And that would be it sounds like a good time to just kind of maybe even do the deep breathing if it's, you know, you're regulating yourself or kind of to kind of taking that positive timeout. I love what you said about not is it something about not? Because I could go to the bathroom, right? I could go sit in the bathroom, and just try to come up with something wise and persuasive to say, right, someone's gonna sound real smart and really put, you know, Uncle Johnny in his place about that. Or, as you said, making it a positive time out, I can take that time to cool down my brain. I really liked that. Because I think all too often we do, we might separate ourselves, but it's just to get our bearings and tighten our gloves up a little bit and then head back into the fight.

Phil Lynn  17:35

Yeah, it's it to me, it's real fascinating. Our how our brain works. And many times what we're trying, what we want to do is to correct that behavior. We want to, you know, when my Uncle Johnny is that that's why we're Uncle Johnny. What we want to do is to correct Uncle Johnny, we want to correct his behavior, we want to set him straight, we want to argue with them. And what he's saying is incorrect. And even if all that is true, not the best time to engage with someone when they're in the hawk mode. Our goal, including herself, if I'm in hoc mode, it's probably not not the best time for me to try to correct someone's behavior or to engage with them. My goal needs to be is to get back to Bruce Banner. Does everybody know what Bruce Banner and Hulk is?

Denisha Workizer  18:37

I think so. I mean, I have very vivid visuals, I really was carrying that cartoon as a child. Like I remember flipping channels. I can remember the big old rowboat sitting right next to the TV, flipping channels and going right past that, because that was terrifying to me. And it was a cartoon back then it wasn't even as realistic as the movies are now. Yeah, yeah. So like normal businessman, normal businessman turns like crazy monster whenever he gets angry.

Phil Lynn  19:06

So how do we deal with that is the goal is to cool our brains down. I think if we can remember that. That just how can I call down? How can I call the family down? How do I call the environment, the cotton that because it's a family system, right?

Denisha Workizer  19:22

Mm hmm.

Phil Lynn  19:23

I'll send the whole atmosphere the room changes. So the goal is how do I get it back? I think is this huge? Yeah. Denisha, you mentioned a couple of times with the body. How do we how do we know when we're going into Hulk mode? Is there a way that we could tell that before we even get into it, to start regulating ourselves?

Denisha Workizer  19:48

That's a good question. I think as I've worked with different people and experienced it myself as well, there's a tightness that might come up in my shoulders. There's a A tightness or a pressure that I might feel on my chest of like, okay, this is like I'm starting to get revved up here. I've felt it before, like in my gut, even in my stomach where my stomach starts to tense up or, you know, I start to even maybe even feel nauseous or just kind of you'll feel in your body, the muscles beginning to tighten in different areas, or you might feel if we can catch that, then I think that can prevent us from jumping into the Hulk mode, you know, kind of keep us in that calm, you know, like you said, you know, with our thumbs that, you know, our fingers are wrapped around our thumbs, and we're in that thinking part. And then we don't go offline emotionally, if we can catch it before, it kind of catches us.

Phil Lynn  20:42

I'm wondering Denisha, again, to be successful in the holidays, how much we can prepare our families beforehand. And that we could talk about that many times, with extended family, we all know that one family member, if I can say that.

Denisha Workizer  21:00

If you don't know them, it might be you.

Phil Lynn  21:05

If we can empower our kids, even, or the loved ones that are around us before the event. And to be able to say when your body feels this way, you can feel free to pump to me, and we will help deal with body based self regulation. So they're empowered and they don't feel alone. Or as a parent, if we see our child doing some of these behaviors with their body. Maybe we can pull them aside and say, I saw you put your arms around, you know, cross your arms around and kind of turn your back towards Uncle Johnny, what was that about? How can I help you? So they're not out there in the sea of deer be regulation, and feeling powerless. As you know what trauma won't one reason it comes Tom's because you feel powerless. And so now we're empowering our family members and our kids how to regulate, we get to co regulate with them. And we get to to notice that in them as we go through the holiday season.

Denisha Workizer  22:13

Another question for you, Phil, when we're let's say we're sitting at the dinner table, and someone says something, maybe someone that's hurt us in the past, maybe they've said something offended us hurt our feelings in some way. And we get evoked, we begin to feel our shoulders tense, we begin to sort of withdraw, what are some ways that we can bring ourselves back into the moment? And when we become evoked or triggered by something someone says or does.

Phil Lynn  22:42

So that's a great question. Because while we can do, we can start bringing the past into the present, and our body reacts the way it did in the past. So our goal is to be able to get to the present and live in the present. So what we can do is do that positive timeout, and say, May I be excused, and you politely walk out of the room. Let's say for example, you go to the backyard, you want to do what we call a grounding technique. So you sit in the chair in the backyard, put your feet on the ground, and close your eyes. And think about everything you're hearing. So get out of your mind and start. Okay, what am I hearing? I hear the birds. I hear a car, I hear playing, you're getting your body to come to the present. What do I feel? I can feel the chair, the arms of the chair and feel the the patio table. So what do you again, you're trying to get in the present? What do I smell? So you take all your senses, and just go through all of your senses to where you're at today? If you start thinking of the past, bring your mind back to where am I at right now? Again, what you're not trying to change your thinking pattern, you're trying to change your brain that might only take a minute, this isn't something need to sit out there for 30 minutes and do a meditation, it's literally could be because you want to do something fast. If the brain changed, get into the present, and then you can come back into the room. Mm hmm. Yeah, it's that body based regulation that we want to work on. That really, really can help be able to rise up stronger in the moment from where you were in the past.

Denisha Workizer  24:48

That's such a good point for for me, I can tend to shut down and to be able to come in contact with my senses. What am I feeling hearing seeing, you know, that's not always as easy easy as it sounds, when you're struggling in that, I remember now, I love what you just said as it can just take a minute, you know, just to sort of bring your your brain back online. When we were on vacation, we were a couple days into vacation this past year. And I was really having a hard time relaxing. And my problem was I was in my I was in the past and the future all at the same time. I was not in the present. So I was worried about the things I didn't finish at home before we left and the things that were still waiting for me when I came home. And I remember I was like, we got one of those doughnuts like that you blow up and put in the pool. And I took it out in the ocean with me. And I was floating on this donut. And I remember thinking, I'm going to go through my five senses. And do you know how long it took me to do that? It took me over an hour, this was just for me, this isn't Thanksgiving, this was I'm going to relax for the next seven days. And I could not I couldn't get there. It took me over an hour to get through all five senses without my brain jumping into my to do list jumping into some problem I had jumping into something that was waiting for me at home. All of those things, it literally it and finally at one hour, I was able to go through what do I see? I see the waves. I mean, I was way out there. I see the waves in the ocean, I see the whitecaps I see I smell the ocean air I hear children playing, I hear the you know the waves of water I hear the boat that's you know, going by, you know, what do I you know, all the all of the senses, what do I taste, you know, I'd had a Starbucks right before I went out there. So I saw that coffee taste in my mouth. But in order to go through those five things, it really took me a lot of time to focus on that. And it did bring me into the present. And I was actually able to go back on shore and relax and be present with my family without worrying about the past or the future.

Phil Lynn  26:51

That's a beautiful story, the challenge or the beauty of doing these self regulation exercises every day. So we get used to doing it. So it's not waiting until the holidays hit. And I'm sitting around the table. But for us to do, let's say every morning, if this is something that would be helpful for us, I'm going to go through the five senses every morning to get me in the present. Before I get into the day, I can make a goal, I'm going to do 10 sets of deep breathing throughout the day. And that's something you can do when you're driving when you're sitting at work. Your body's getting used to doing these self regulatory exercises. So it's easier to do them before you hit the dinner table before you hit the thing to live into. It's kind of like, if you're going to go and run a marathon, you're not gonna wait till the marathon before you start running. And so there are and you could go online, you could Google mindfulness, you can do all this self regulation, there's hundreds of different things that you could be doing. But we get to be practicing these things. So that when the trauma hits, we're able to better self regulate.

Denisha Workizer  28:16

This is how God made our bodies. You gave the example of we're out in the wilderness and a bear comes running. And our brain goes into that fight flight or freeze. What do I need to do to survive right now? And so it's it's fascinating that now we understand the brain, we understand the effects of stress and toxic stress on our bodies. And now we have ways to cope and help tell our minds it's gonna it's okay, you're okay, look, you can smell the flowers next to you. You can feel the grass under your feet, you can, you know, we can we can pull ourselves back out of that mode, because it's not typically right. It's not a matter of survival. It's a matter of just getting evoked our emotions getting heightened, and that brain going offline at thinking brain going offline.

Phil Lynn  29:04

It's fascinating. Our brains really complex. Yeah, yeah, it is very freeing to learn more and more about how our brain works and how we can use that. To have a very life giving life and to have a successful holiday this season. Being able to use Can we call it using neurology? Did I say that right? Isn't it no nor holiday neurology. They have a successful holiday season. 

Denisha Workizer  29:36

That's awesome. Well, Phil, thank you so much for sharing with us and giving us some tools to equip us as we go into this holiday season. Or even just a stressful Monday.

Phil Lynn  29:46

Yes, absolutely. Denisha Thank you. It was a joy to spend this time together.

Denisha Workizer  29:53

It was it definitely was. So now if we are looking for some coaching for couples or families or for personal growth. How can we find you?

Phil Lynn  30:03

At PhilLynn.coach@gmail.com. So it's first and last name. So it's Phil Lynn, with two L's, dot coach at Gmail dot com. You go onto my website, and you could sign up for a free introductory session, I'll reach out to you, and we'll get together, and we'll discover the best plan and family life that you that you dream of. And so, PhilLynn.Coach@gmail.com

Denisha Workizer  30:34

Awesome. Thank you so much, Phil. Look forward to having you on again. 

Phil Lynn  30:37

Sounds great. Thanks.

Denisha Workizer  30:39

Thanks for listening. I pray you found hope in today's conversation, and maybe even feel a little less alone in your story. Stay connected with us on Facebook and Instagram at reclaimed story. Want to learn more about living a reclaimed life and how you can be a part of our growing community of Reclaimers check out our website at reclaim story.com all of those links and more will be in the show notes. And if you enjoyed this inspirational podcast Be sure to subscribe rate and review. That is a huge help and helping us reach more people to live the reclaimed life. Thank you so much for listening