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[00:00:00] Denisha: Have you ever been in a conversation where someone shared something [00:00:05] incredibly painful and you found yourself not knowing how to respond? [00:00:10] Perhaps they shared about a traumatic moment in their life or a hurt that they're currently [00:00:15]experiencing. What you say in those moments matter. [00:00:20] In this episode, our hope is to equip you with practical tools to sit in those [00:00:25] moments with confidence and to be a helper.
When someone is hurting. [00:00:30] So before we dive in to today's episode, it is hard to believe friends, but [00:00:35] Christmas is right around the corner and we have designed 17 brand new pieces [00:00:40] of jewelry that brings us to over 70 pieces of inspirational [00:00:45] jewelry and journals on our website. So if you want meaningful presents under the [00:00:50] tree, we've got them for you.
Why not shop and help? Support a strong women's ministry at [00:00:55] the same time. You can find all of this on our website at reclaimstory. [00:01:00] com slash shop. Now, let's look at what [00:01:05] do I say when someone is hurting? Welcome to living the [00:01:10] reclaim life podcast. I'm Denisha. We're glad you're here for conversations that [00:01:15] revive hope, inspire healing, and encourage you to live a vibrant life with Christ.[00:01:20]
So grab a cup of coffee as we chat with today's guest.[00:01:25]
As we step into the holidays, there's a few things [00:01:30] that we can prepare for. One, we can prepare ourself for [00:01:35] disagreements. With the polarization going on in our world, with current [00:01:40] events, there's probably a chance that somewhere around our holiday tables, we are going to [00:01:45] run into people, family, friends, that we love, that we disagree with.
Well, our [00:01:50] last episode touched on those topics. How do we navigate healthy [00:01:55]disagreements around the holiday table this year? Now, the topic that we're looking [00:02:00] at today is another thing that we can expect. We can expect, [00:02:05] especially around the holidays, to run into people who are hurting. So [00:02:10] what do we do?
How can we be a helper when someone is hurting? Now, [00:02:15] I want to give us some examples and we're going to be a little bit playful. We're going to get real in this [00:02:20] episode today. Now, maybe you've been there, okay? Maybe you're at a party and [00:02:25] you say to a friend, you know, Hey, Sally, how are you? It's been a while.[00:02:30]
And you're looking for lighthearted conversation, okay? Maybe you're thinking you're going to talk about [00:02:35] vacation, you're going to talk about the weather, and all of a sudden you get a[00:02:40] response that takes your breath away. As she shares something so [00:02:45] personal and so uncomfortable that it's hard to hear.
Sometimes [00:02:50] it's even harder to figure out what to say next. So we're going to be really [00:02:55] honest today. And we're going to jump into some practical tools of what do [00:03:00] we say when we have an emotional bomb dropped in our lap and we just wanted to [00:03:05] talk about vacation or the weather. So to start off, we're going to play [00:03:10] a game of have you ever, okay?
Have you ever had [00:03:15] a friend drop an emotional bomb on you and you suddenly [00:03:20]glance towards the door wondering how fast can you get out of the room? Right? [00:03:25] I know I have done that. Have you ever nodded your head [00:03:30] and go, Yes, I hear you. While meanwhile, you're looking for someone else to talk to [00:03:35] that may distract the conversation you're currently engaged in because it's too heavy.[00:03:40]
What about this? Have you ever gotten in your own head and [00:03:45] responded, Yes, I know how you feel. I remember when. And you begin to tell [00:03:50] your story. Maybe you checked out of their pain altogether and [00:03:55] into your own story. Or maybe you changed the subject [00:04:00]altogether and completely reversed what you were talking about.
Maybe brought [00:04:05] up vacation or the weather. If you found yourself in those circumstances, [00:04:10] you are not alone to look for a way out. Those conversations are hard and we aren't [00:04:15] always prepared for what to say. Now, what happens when you see [00:04:20] Sally once a year at a party, but what happens when that person isn't [00:04:25] someone you see once a year?
What happens when they're that [00:04:30] coworker or that fellow church member that you see on a daily or [00:04:35] weekly basis? When you know there is something hard going on in their life and that it is [00:04:40] hard, what do you say to them to go back to our game of have you ever? Have [00:04:45] you ever found yourself avoiding them because you didn't know what to say?
Have you ever [00:04:50] found their story bumping up against your own story or maybe even your [00:04:55] fears? And you're walking down the hall and you avoid eye contact with [00:05:00] them at all cost. Or maybe, maybe they've been struggling for so long that [00:05:05] you've run out of encouraging things to say. So now you just pretend that they're doing [00:05:10] well and just carry on conversations about vacation and the weather because it's [00:05:15] easier.
I think we've been there and I wonder right now if you're [00:05:20] thinking, not only have I done that to people, but I've had that done to me. [00:05:25] You're not alone. These are all very real situations that we [00:05:30] can find ourselves in, and we are going to be real in here today, and we are going [00:05:35] to look at why these conversations are so hard for us, identify ways that we can [00:05:40] engage without becoming undone ourselves, so that we can be [00:05:45] helpers in hard situations.
And my hope is that after this time together [00:05:50] today, that you'll have some tools in your tool belt, okay? To feel more comfortable [00:05:55] when you encounter the hard parts of people's stories, and you will feel more confident [00:06:00] to engage with them versus looking the other way. Now, [00:06:05] you might be thinking, Denisha, this is Reclaim Story.
You guys help women heal from the [00:06:10] pain of their past. What does knowing what to say to hurting people have to do with that? [00:06:15] Friends, It has everything to do with that, because as [00:06:20] you reclaim your story, you can help others reclaim theirs as well. When you [00:06:25]know how to hold space for pain, it creates amazing [00:06:30] opportunities to love others well.
But we can't do that if we're not willing [00:06:35] to be a helper and to step into those real raw moments with others [00:06:40] while displaying empathy and compassion. And I believe that if we learn [00:06:45] how to show up for other people in their moments of pain, it gives us a [00:06:50]greater capacity to show up for ourselves in our own painful moments.[00:06:55]
For the last 30 years, I have been a helper. Now, [00:07:00] if you know my story, you go, wait, 20 years you were in jewelry, Denisha. [00:07:05] Now, how is that being a helper? Let me just tell you, it is not all [00:07:10] sparkles and diamonds in a jewelry store. Let me give you an example. So you help a man [00:07:15] select an engagement ring one day.
His eyes are twinkling and he shares with you his [00:07:20] romantic plan about how he's going to give it to her. And it is the perfect fairy tale. [00:07:25] Until he comes back in two months later and tells you she said no, that she is [00:07:30] seeing someone else. In fact, that very story is how I [00:07:35] met my husband. True story. Well, after being in jewelry [00:07:40] for 20 years and walking through a lot of heartache with our clients along the way, [00:07:45] and also our staff, I went into pastoral ministry for 10 [00:07:50] years.
Now as a pastor, you didn't know what your day was going to look like. [00:07:55] I remember being in hospital rooms when someone was ill or even having their last [00:08:00] moments on earth and having no idea what to say. I remember one time I [00:08:05] asked a fellow pastor, I said, how do you know what to say? And I will never [00:08:10] forget his response.
He said, it's not about what you say. It's about the [00:08:15] fact that you were here. So I want to take the pressure [00:08:20] off of the things that we say and put that importance on [00:08:25] the fact that we showed up. He told me the family won't remember your wisdom, but [00:08:30] they will remember that you were here. So if there is one thing that you take away [00:08:35] from today's episode, please remember that it's not always what you [00:08:40] say.
Sometimes it's just that you were there. Well, after being on staff at a [00:08:45] church for 10 years as a pastor, I left staff and followed my passion to begin [00:08:50] this ministry to help women find hope and healing from a painful past. [00:08:55] And I will tell you, we put on our boots and we get into the mud with women to [00:09:00] be helpers.
And I share these moments in my personal story so that you will [00:09:05] understand that I have been there too, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do, but [00:09:10] I have done a ton of work to prepare my tool belt and my heart to help people who are hurting. [00:09:15] And today I want to share some of those tools with you.
So as we [00:09:20] proceed, I want to add a couple of disclaimers. First of all, I am not a mental [00:09:25] health professional. I am a pastor and a trauma informed coach. I am a [00:09:30] helper. I want to do the best as possible that I can, and I want to employ things that [00:09:35] work, and I want to dump things that don't. So some of this might work for you, and some of it [00:09:40] won't.
Feel total permission to keep some and dump the rest. [00:09:45] We are going to take a perspective of normal day encounters with hurting people, [00:09:50] whether that be at work or the grocery store at church. [00:09:55] What is not my intention with this episode is to cover extremes. There are [00:10:00] some situations, some hurting people where you may consider referring them to a [00:10:05] counselor and that may be the best solution for them.
And there are [00:10:10] situations where you may need to keep your distance from a hurting person because it's [00:10:15] healthier and better for you and them. But today, we're going to talk about [00:10:20] everyday encounters with hurting people. Maybe it's at the grocery store [00:10:25]checkout line. Maybe it's somebody having a meltdown at Costco because the one thing they [00:10:30] needed is gone or sold out.
Or maybe it's deeper. As we get [00:10:35] started, let's take a look at where we've come from. When we've encountered [00:10:40] hurting people and hard stories in the past, what have we done? Now, [00:10:45] as I say this next statement, I want to tell you my hand is up in the air right now [00:10:50]in my office. Have you ever put your foot in your mouth and said something that you [00:10:55] wish you could have taken back?
Yes! Oh my goodness, I have done [00:11:00] that. Have you ever heard well intentioned people say something to [00:11:05] someone that you thought was not helpful? I remember a friend [00:11:10]shared with me something that was said to her mom after her brother had passed away. [00:11:15] And somebody said, you have to get your act together. You have two other kids.[00:11:20]
Now, is that helpful to a grieving mother? No, [00:11:25] that's not helpful. I have some things I'd like to say back to that well intentioned [00:11:30] person. Have you ever heard someone make it all about them? [00:11:35] Sometimes we can put our foot in our mouth. Sometimes we can try to say something that's well [00:11:40] intentioned and not be helpful.
And sometimes we can make it all about us. [00:11:45] For example, if someone tells you their grandfather passed [00:11:50] away. And then your response is, Oh, that reminds me of when my [00:11:55] grandfather passed away. I felt the exact same way. Let me tell you about. Is that [00:12:00]helpful? No. Sharing our stories can often be [00:12:05] helpful, but in these moments of pain, when someone is really hurting, [00:12:10] what they need is for someone to sit knee to knee with them and be present and listen.[00:12:15]
Now, have you ever had someone, when they make it all about them, they [00:12:20] tell you that you should do this. Let's eliminate [00:12:25] you should, unless we're saying you should be kind to yourself. If someone is hurting, [00:12:30] let's not tell them what they should do. Let's ask questions. Let's [00:12:35] love them in the moment. Now, maybe you have [00:12:40] never lived through any of these things.
Maybe you've never had someone say something like that to [00:12:45] you that was not helpful or make it all about them. Or you've never had anybody put [00:12:50] their foot in their mouth while you're talking to them. Maybe you've never experienced that. [00:12:55] Well, if you haven't, I can tell you are very lucky because those are [00:13:00] painful moments.
So why do we do this? Why do we say these things? [00:13:05] Why do we respond and make it about us? Why do we put our foot in our mouths? There's [00:13:10] many reasons, but I want to give you four of them today. Number one, I [00:13:15] call it, we want to change the channel. You see, we don't want [00:13:20] to feel bad with them. When we see something on the news that is [00:13:25] hard, we can change the channel.
Those neglected abused animal commercials, [00:13:30] I have to change the channel or I'd have 25 dogs and 15 cats. I [00:13:35] changed the channel, but why? Because I don't want to feel bad. [00:13:40] It is hard to sit knee to knee, heart to heart, and allow [00:13:45] ourselves to be uncomfortable in their pain. But it is the most [00:13:50] helpful thing we can do.
Some of you might be thinking, the next time I see that [00:13:55] animal commercial, I can sit here, I can sit here, I can sit here. You don't have to [00:14:00] sit there for the commercial. But when we want to sit with real people in [00:14:05] real pain, Often, we do those other things because we want to change the [00:14:10] channel. We don't want to feel bad.
I love this quote by Mr. Rogers, [00:14:15] people have said, don't cry to other people for years and years. [00:14:20] And all it ever meant was I'm too uncomfortable when you show feelings. [00:14:25]Can you relate to that? Let's look at the second [00:14:30] reason that we do these silly things. Maybe their [00:14:35] pain bumps up against our pain. It is not easy to sit and [00:14:40] hear a story of abuse when you have been abused.
It's [00:14:45] not easy to sit and hear about a spouse that has left when that is your story, [00:14:50]too. Their story can trigger the story within us. [00:14:55] That's another reason why we say the things we do. [00:15:00] The third thing is we want to fix it for them. We want to [00:15:05] eliminate their pain. We often offer wisdom instead of presence.[00:15:10]
Remember what my pastor friend told me was they won't remember what you said, but they will [00:15:15] remember that you were here. By trying to fix it and eliminate their [00:15:20] pain, it actually invalidates their emotions. It makes them feel [00:15:25] misunderstood or negated or not cared for. And we don't want that. [00:15:30] Number four, the reason we do this is we don't know what to [00:15:35] say.
I'll never forget when my mom passed away. I was 23 and one of [00:15:40] my best friends from growing up, she wouldn't return my phone calls. And I [00:15:45] was desperate to talk to someone who knew my mom. When she passed, we lived in a new state, and [00:15:50] I was yearning to talk with someone who had memories of her. And I remember I never [00:15:55] understood why she didn't call me.
And years later, she told me, I didn't call you because [00:16:00] I didn't know what to say. So why do we do this? Why [00:16:05] do we jump to fix it? Why do we say things when we know we've put our foot in our mouth? [00:16:10] Why do we make it about us? Number one, because we want to change the [00:16:15] channel. Number two, their pain may bump up against our [00:16:20] pain.
Number three, we want to fix it for them and eliminate their pain. [00:16:25] Number four, we don't know what to say. Life is hard, [00:16:30] and people around us are hurting, and we can be hurting. Did you know that [00:16:35] 10 percent of Americans are clinically depressed? And this is increasing [00:16:40] the fastest amongst our teens and young adults.
17 [00:16:45] percent of Americans will engage in self harm. According to the [00:16:50] CDC, 1. 2 million American adults attempted suicide in 2020 [00:16:55] and 12. 2 million thought about it. 40 [00:17:00] million American adults, that's 19. 1%, have an [00:17:05] anxiety disorder. And only 36. 9 percent [00:17:10] of those 40 million people in America with an anxiety disorder get [00:17:15]treatment.
Another quote from Mr. Rogers, When I was a boy, I would see [00:17:20] scary things in the news. My mother would always say to me, look for the helpers. [00:17:25] You will always find people who are helping. So how can [00:17:30] we be helpers? People need a safe place. That is [00:17:35] one of the most important things, a safe place to talk, to process.
So how do we as [00:17:40] helpers create a safe place? I want to give you an acronym [00:17:45] that you can utilize in your life long after this episode. It is the word [00:17:50] PLEA. P L E A. A plea is a request made in [00:17:55] an urgent and emotional manner. So let's take that in P [00:18:00] L E A. When someone has a plea for a safe place, how [00:18:05] do we create that for them?
P stands for presence. [00:18:10] As that pastor told me, being present was more important than saying something brilliant. [00:18:15] They don't need a hero. They need you to be present. They need you to create [00:18:20] a warm, calm environment, whether that's at Starbucks, in Target, in your [00:18:25]living room. And we can do that, we can be present by mirroring and [00:18:30] matching their tone.
Their mood, their posture, their enthusiasm. And [00:18:35] we want to watch our face, right? We've all heard of resting jerk face, okay? [00:18:40] We want to watch what our face is doing. And I mentioned this in [00:18:45] the last episode in how to navigate healthy disagreements around the holidays, but I want to [00:18:50] repeat it here because it also means something when we're serving hurting people.[00:18:55]
7 percent of the meaning of what we're saying is communicated through [00:19:00] our spoken word. 7%! 38 percent is through our [00:19:05] tone of voice and 55 percent is communicated [00:19:10]through your body language. That to me has always been an incredible [00:19:15] statistic. And that was in a book in 1971 called silent [00:19:20] messages. And now the less we're interacting with humans, the more we're online, I [00:19:25] would say it's probably even more 7 percent spoken word.
38 [00:19:30] percent tone of voice, 55 percent body language. So friends, [00:19:35] watch that resting jerk face. What is your body saying to the person who is hurting? [00:19:40] Mr. Rogers said again, The older I get, the more [00:19:45] convinced I am that the space between communicating human beings can be [00:19:50] hollowed pee presence. Give someone the [00:19:55] gift of your presence.
L, listen. And we talked about this [00:20:00] a little bit in our last episode as well. Let's talk about what listening is not. [00:20:05] Listening is not the time you have to wait before talking again. Do we do that? [00:20:10] Don't we? Listening is not thinking of what we're going to say [00:20:15] next. Hearing and listening are not the same thing.
You can [00:20:20] hear them speaking. But you can be listening to the opinions, experiences, [00:20:25] and judgment within yourself. Research [00:20:30] suggests that the average person effectively listens about 25 percent of the [00:20:35] time. That means in a 5 minute story, the other person probably checks out [00:20:40] after about a minute. I want to encourage you to listen in a way that is [00:20:45] entirely in support of the person talking.
A few ways we can do this is to [00:20:50] reflect. When someone's sharing with us, interject with a short [00:20:55] phrase that relates to what they're expressing through their words, their tone of voice, or their body [00:21:00] language. For instance, you could respond and say, [00:21:05] It sounds like your heart is really hurting right now. Or, wow, this must be [00:21:10] difficult for you.
This helps you understand what the speaker is saying, and it [00:21:15] also allows the speaker to feel heard. While someone is [00:21:20] listening, it can be a good tool to clarify. Sometimes when we're all emotional [00:21:25] and hurting, we can ramble and we cannot make sense. So if you don't [00:21:30] fully understand what someone is saying, or if the person speaking glosses over something really [00:21:35] important, Don't forget to clarify.
One way you can do that is [00:21:40] by saying, what do you mean? I'd love to hear more about that. Another [00:21:45] way that we can be good listeners is to summarize. We can show the [00:21:50]person that we've listened to that we've understood what they said. [00:21:55] Sometimes a summary can be good at the end of a larger time of sharing.
For [00:22:00] instance, maybe a friend tells you about their troubled marriage. You can summarize [00:22:05] by saying, So you're feeling alone and hurt in your marriage and you want to work [00:22:10] through it with a counselor. Or we can say, let me make sure that I understand [00:22:15]what you're saying. You are feeling, fill in the blank.
And then you can [00:22:20] ask, am I hearing you correctly? Those are all ways that we can [00:22:25] listen. So remember, listening is not about the time we have to wait before [00:22:30]talking again. Listening is truly bringing ourselves into that moment and being [00:22:35] present. So we are present and we listen. Our E in [00:22:40] plea is empathy. We want to empathize with the person who is [00:22:45] hurting.
Now, empathy and sympathy are two totally different things. And I want to [00:22:50] encourage you to go to YouTube and type in Brene Brown, empathy versus [00:22:55] sympathy. Great little video that highlights this so well on how to [00:23:00] empathize with hurting people. I want to read you this quote from Brene Brown. She says, [00:23:05] Empathy is a way to connect to the emotion another person is experiencing.[00:23:10]
It doesn't require that we have experienced the same situation they're going [00:23:15] through. But we can connect with them. So P is [00:23:20] presence. L is listen. E is Empathize [00:23:25] and A is Advocate. As helpers, we are for [00:23:30] them. We are on their side. When we encounter hurting people, we want them to know [00:23:35] that we see them, that we know them, we know their story, we know what they're [00:23:40] sharing, and that they are loved.
When people are hurting, they forget who they are. [00:23:45] They often forget whose they are and where they're heading. If [00:23:50] we can be their advocate and see them from where they're heading and not where they've come from or where [00:23:55] they are now, we can be helpers. Another thing we can do is [00:24:00] let them know that their mistake doesn't define them.
We can advocate for them by saying [00:24:05] your mistake doesn't define you. Even if they've made a mistake, their inner critic is [00:24:10] already beating them up for whatever it is. Don't reinforce that. Help to shatter [00:24:15] the shame in their life. That inner critic, that voice of shame, often tells us that we [00:24:20] are something bad.
So let them know their mistake does not define [00:24:25] them. Pain feels like a period at the end of their story. Let them know [00:24:30] this is not the end of their story. See, as a helper, [00:24:35] as someone who shows presence, listening, empathy, and advocacy, [00:24:40] you can hold the hope for them until they can hold it for themselves.
[00:24:45] Mike Foster says they need to know that God is good even when life [00:24:50] sucks. Mike also says, let God define the pain rather than [00:24:55] allow the pain to define God. I want to encourage you [00:25:00] also to ask open ended questions rather than asking closed [00:25:05] ended questions that only require yes or no answers. Ask open ended questions [00:25:10] instead of did you have a good day?
Try what was the highlight of your day today? [00:25:15] Ask open ended questions. Mr. Rogers says if you could [00:25:20] only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet, how important [00:25:25] you can be to the people you may never even dream of. [00:25:30] As a helper, I want to leave you with one last thing. I want to encourage [00:25:35] you to help yourself while being a helper.
Give [00:25:40] yourself margin and take care of yourself. Never [00:25:45] work harder than the person you are helping. You can be present, [00:25:50] listen, empathize, and advocate for them. You are a [00:25:55] cheerleader, an encourager, but don't be more concerned about being needed [00:26:00] helpful. I want to leave you with this. Mike Foster [00:26:05] says, You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.[00:26:10]
I hope this was a helpful episode for you today as you encounter hurting people in your [00:26:15]everyday life. If you would like more resources on this topic, or if you're [00:26:20] interested in bringing our full workshop to your church or organization, you can email [00:26:25] us at podcast at reclaim story. dot com. We'll see you in two [00:26:30] weeks.
Same time, same place. Thanks for listening. I pray you [00:26:35] found hope in today's conversation and maybe even feel a little less alone in your [00:26:40] story. Stay connected with us on Facebook and Instagram at reclaimed [00:26:45] story. Want to learn more about living a reclaimed life and how you can be a part of our [00:26:50] growing community of reclaimers.
Check out our website at reclaimed story. com [00:26:55] All of those links and more will be in the show notes. And if you enjoyed this [00:27:00] inspirational podcast, be sure to subscribe, rate, and review. Not [00:27:05] only will you be the first one to know when new content comes out, but it is also a huge help [00:27:10] in helping us reach more people to live the reclaimed life.