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[00:00:00] Denisha: Have you ever dreaded holiday gatherings because you and the people you love have [00:00:05] different views on things that are important to you? Well, we want you to look [00:00:10] forward to the holidays with your loved ones. So let's get super practical today as we give [00:00:15] you eight ways you can navigate healthy disagreements around the table this holiday [00:00:20] season.
And before we jump into today's episode, it's hard to believe it, but [00:00:25] Christmas is right around the corner and we have designed 17 [00:00:30] brand new pieces of jewelry for you. We have had so much fun. That brings us to [00:00:35] over 70 pieces of inspirational jewelry and journals on our website. [00:00:40] So if you want meaningful presents under the tree, we've got them for you.
Why [00:00:45] not shop and help support a strong women's ministry at the same time? You can find [00:00:50] all of this on our website at reclaimedstory. org. dot com slash shop. [00:00:55] Now let's look at eight ways that you can navigate healthy [00:01:00] disagreements around the table this holiday season. Welcome [00:01:05] to living the reclaim life podcast.
I'm Denisha. We're glad you're here for [00:01:10] conversations that revive hope, inspire healing and encourage you to live a vibrant [00:01:15] life with Christ. So grab a cup of coffee as we chat with today's guest.[00:01:20]
This year we have had [00:01:25] many wonderful guests on the podcast and we've covered rich topics [00:01:30] such as God being good when life is hard, hearing God's voice, [00:01:35] how to live loved, finding hope in heartache, the truth about [00:01:40] depression and anxiety. We've talked about healing from the suffering of our past and how [00:01:45] to sing a new song.
We've discussed grace, our [00:01:50] imperfect journeys of faith, and our last episode, Identity in Christ with [00:01:55] John and Angel Beeson. Well today, we're going to do something a little bit different. [00:02:00] Instead of conversing with a guest, I'm going to share with you how we can have[00:02:05] healthy conversations with people we don't see eye to eye with.
[00:02:10] I'm sure you've noticed that people are divided, and they have strong opinions [00:02:15]about their opinions. And on so many topics, from lighthearted [00:02:20] topics such as our favorite sports teams, to more intense topics, such as [00:02:25] current events, racial justice, social pressure, government policy, [00:02:30] biblical worldviews, we can be divided on an unlimited number of [00:02:35] things.
Not even joking with you, I once observed a [00:02:40] very heated discussion over Miracle Whip versus Best Foods and [00:02:45] which one was the best mayonnaise. Now, I'm not going to name names, but [00:02:50] Wow, and if you're a Hellman Mayo fan, I see you, but I'm [00:02:55] sorry, you were not represented at this particular debate. We see this in [00:03:00] and out of the church, don't we?
Did you know that there are over 45, 000 [00:03:05] different Christian denominations globally? Why is that? [00:03:10] Well, if you look at church history, it can be as simple as one disagreement. [00:03:15] Perhaps we don't like the way you do communion, therefore we're going to go start another [00:03:20] denomination that does communion this way.
There are so many things that we can [00:03:25] be divided about, and I would guess that you've probably even seen church [00:03:30] friends dispute opinions on current events, styles of worship, or [00:03:35] biblical views. Each side with their passions and even scripture to prove the [00:03:40]point as to why their way is the right way. Well, Ephesians 4, [00:03:45] 3 reminds us to make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit [00:03:50] through the bond of peace.
And it would be wonderful to see [00:03:55] disagreements within the church and outside the church be an opportunity to [00:04:00] strengthen that unity rather than fracture one another. You [00:04:05]know, in some ways, we are being groomed for polarization. [00:04:10] If you spend time on social media, did you know that algorithms push you towards people who [00:04:15] think like you do?
And this keeps us in our own echo chambers, [00:04:20] right? The same opinions and voices reverberating off the walls of our comfort [00:04:25] zone. But this Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up, and they [00:04:30] are going to put us at the table with real people. People with different [00:04:35] opinions. Different passions and even worldviews than us.
[00:04:40] People we love, who we may also disagree with. Over the [00:04:45] last two years, I guess it's been, I have heard more and more people [00:04:50] tell me that their families can't gather together around a table for the holidays because [00:04:55] they see things differently. So we have families in different houses [00:05:00] at a time when we're supposed to be together and establishing connection, but they can't [00:05:05] gather together around the table because of disagreements.
And if I'm [00:05:10] honest, that breaks my heart. And so I hope that this podcast [00:05:15] today is helpful for you and perhaps even those you love. So I [00:05:20] want to ask us, how do we want to show up in those moments where we disagree? [00:05:25] Jesus's approach to disagreements was rooted in his love, [00:05:30] forgiveness, and reconciliation.
Jesus engaged in conflict when [00:05:35] necessary, but he always seemed to be aimed to restoring relationships, [00:05:40] and he is our example. It may be helpful to start by [00:05:45] examining our own personal story, and how we tend to respond to conflict [00:05:50] so that when we take steps towards love, forgiveness, and reconciliation, [00:05:55] We can do that at the table this holiday season.
So let's start by [00:06:00] looking at our own unique story and how our personal history plays [00:06:05] in to how we handle conflict today. Have you ever found yourself in a [00:06:10] situation where someone says something and you get unusually angry? Like, [00:06:15] maybe in that moment it feels warranted. But after the fact, maybe you go [00:06:20] home and you're away from the situation and you may have realized, Hmm, maybe [00:06:25] I overreacted a little bit to that.
Maybe on a scale of 1 to 10, their offense was [00:06:30] a 4. But your response was a 9. Have you ever had that happen? [00:06:35] I remember one time I was at the grocery store. Hmm. And there was a [00:06:40] mom who was yelling at probably her three year old daughter. Now, mamas, I don't know [00:06:45] about you, but I just want to say the grocery store with little ones was not my finest [00:06:50] parenting moments, okay?
So there is grace for that. But in this particular [00:06:55] situation, the little girl was being loud. And the mom yelled at her, I want you to [00:07:00] sit there and be quiet. I don't want to hear you. And something in my [00:07:05] body came on alert. It took self control to not go [00:07:10] over and pick that little girl up and hold her. Now, the mom didn't beat her, [00:07:15] didn't do anything crazy in front of me, but I had to leave the aisle because my heart [00:07:20] was racing and I was really upset.
She was stern and obviously [00:07:25] upset as well, but my response to her words to her child? Was an [00:07:30] overreaction. I remember getting home that afternoon and I was still disturbed [00:07:35] about this, but I began to think about why. And then it hit me. [00:07:40] My mom, as many moms said to Generation X children, [00:07:45] you are to be seen and not heard.
Has anybody heard that [00:07:50] before growing up? Well, when this mom said something similar, [00:07:55] right, what did she say? I want you to sit there. Be quiet. I don't want to hear you. [00:08:00] I dove into protection mode to help that little girl. But [00:08:05] really, the little girl that I was protecting was me. You know, our brains are [00:08:10] really funny this way.
God designed our brains to anticipate harm [00:08:15] and to protect at all costs. So someone may say or do [00:08:20] something today that reminds you of a situation from your past. And it [00:08:25]may feel like you are back in that original moment. And this can cause you to respond in the [00:08:30] present as if it were the past. So with that said, our [00:08:35] past experiences, our stories, can play a big role in [00:08:40] how we handle conflict.
So I have a question for you. If [00:08:45] that's true, if our stories play a role in how we handle conflict [00:08:50] today, how we handle and show up for disagreements, When your parents had a [00:08:55] conflict growing up, how did they handle it? Were they [00:09:00] competitive and argued for who was right or wrong? Did they avoid [00:09:05] conflict altogether?
These early experiences can [00:09:10] shape how we handle conflict as adults. And what about your [00:09:15] siblings? Did they compromise and share toys? Did they [00:09:20] sacrifice for the common good? Or did you have that one, or maybe you [00:09:25] were that one, that always gave in to the other's demands to keep the [00:09:30] peace? Our stories teach us a lot.
And it may have taught [00:09:35] us that it's not safe to have conflict with others. Or, it may have taught [00:09:40] us how to have healthy conflict. and that conflict is a normal part of [00:09:45]relationships. Personally, I don't believe that we can have healthy [00:09:50] relationships without disagreements. It's a part of life, and God made each of us [00:09:55] uniquely different.
Psalm 139 shows us that God sees each [00:10:00] person as an individual created in His image for a purpose. We each [00:10:05] have gifts and talents, and we have a role to play in the world that is unlike anyone [00:10:10] else's. We are all inherently valuable and worthy of love and [00:10:15]respect. So how do we handle disagreements and [00:10:20] conflict?
And you might be thinking, okay, Denisha, I get it, right? We, we're gonna [00:10:25] have disagreements. But what do I do when I'm sitting across the table this holiday [00:10:30] season with Aunt Sue and she pushes all my buttons and I am certain she is wrong in [00:10:35] her view about, you name it. What do I do then? [00:10:40] Well, first, I want to tell you there's not one way to do this [00:10:45] right.
But I am going to give you eight tools to consider for when you are [00:10:50] sitting at the table with those that you disagree with. The first thing is [00:10:55] remember that we all have a story. And sometimes they collide, [00:11:00] right? They have a story. You have a story. You have [00:11:05]experiences, thoughts, and opinions. And sometimes when we come together, those [00:11:10]experiences, thoughts, and opinions collide.
And where we sit at the [00:11:15] table determines what we see. So in those moments, I [00:11:20]want to ask you to notice what is happening and take a moment to wonder [00:11:25] what could be the story driving their response, right? [00:11:30] You see, there's always more happening than what we see and what we hear. And sometimes, [00:11:35] the key to this is in what people are not saying.[00:11:40]
You know, like I chose to evaluate my grocery store experience. You may even [00:11:45] consider pausing and asking yourself, Is there a part of my story that's [00:11:50] driving my response right now? So number one, remember, we [00:11:55] all have a story. And sometimes, they collide. Number [00:12:00] two, maintain humility. Who cares if I am [00:12:05] right and you are wrong?
What if the relationship that we have matters [00:12:10] more than being right? What if we desire connection [00:12:15] over convincing? See, humility acknowledges that we don't have [00:12:20] all the answers and that we can even learn from others. [00:12:25] Maintain humility. Number three, listen [00:12:30] actively. Listen to what the other person is saying.
All too [00:12:35] often, while someone is talking, instead of listening, we are focusing on what we're [00:12:40] gonna say next, right? What is gonna be my response to them to prove myself right? [00:12:45] And when we do that, we're missing out on understanding their perspective. [00:12:50] So I want to encourage you to listen actively, to listen [00:12:55] to what they're saying, understand where they're coming from.
And even if there's a [00:13:00] random moment of silence in your conversation, where then you formulate your [00:13:05] thoughts. That's okay, but let's be people who listen [00:13:10] actively. The fourth thing I want to give you today is to stay curious. [00:13:15] What if we asked questions instead of coming up with [00:13:20] comments? When we engage in disagreements, it is crucial to approach [00:13:25] them with a desire to gain wisdom and understanding.
Thank you for listening. Rather than just [00:13:30] trying to prove our point, Proverbs 3, 13 and 14 reminds us that [00:13:35] those who find wisdom are blessed and gain understanding. So as we [00:13:40] stay curious, we can understand more about the people we're speaking with. [00:13:45]Now, let me give you some questions, right? As you're staying curious, what are some questions [00:13:50] that you can add to your tool belt that can be really simple?
[00:13:55] Maybe someone says something and you can respond. That's interesting. Tell me more [00:14:00] about that. Or, Wow, I can see you are really [00:14:05] passionate about that. When did that begin for you? I want to [00:14:10] encourage us to stay curious, to ask questions. [00:14:15]Number five, let's seek common ground. [00:14:20] Instead of discussing what you disagree with, what would it look like if we [00:14:25] discussed the things that we agree with?
Maybe you're divided on a [00:14:30] topic, but you have a shared value through it all. What if we camp on that thing that we [00:14:35] have in common? An example would be if that aunt was very [00:14:40] passionate about a candidate, and you were equally passionate [00:14:45] about voting for the other. Well, can you camp on the fact that you both [00:14:50] have a shared belief that voting is an important freedom that we each have?[00:14:55]
There are always ways to find common ground. [00:15:00] Number six, let's pay attention to how we [00:15:05] say things. Because it's not just what we say, but how we [00:15:10] say it. Did you know that 7 percent of meaning is [00:15:15] communicated through the spoken word? 38 percent is our tone of [00:15:20] voice. And 55 percent of what people receive from our [00:15:25] communication is through our body language.
If 7 percent is just [00:15:30] words, 38 percent our tone of voice, how we say it, and [00:15:35] 55 percent is body language, this is something we should pay attention to. [00:15:40] So here's an example. I can have my arms crossed, leaning back [00:15:45] into the couch and say, wow, I can hear you're passionate about that. Tell [00:15:50] me more. Or I can lean forward, take in a [00:15:55]curious posture and say.
Wow, I can hear that you are really [00:16:00] passionate about that. Tell me more. Do you hear the difference? So [00:16:05] let's pay attention to how we say things. Number [00:16:10] seven, let's remain calm and manage our own [00:16:15] emotions. Sometimes somebody can say something like in the grocery [00:16:20] store, right? And I go from a one to an eight.[00:16:25]
In those moments, what if we remain calm? What if we kind of check [00:16:30] in with ourselves and go, Okay, I'm going to take a deep breath right now because I can feel myself getting [00:16:35]amped up. In those moments, we can remain calm and manage our [00:16:40] emotions. We can take a deep breath and check in with ourselves and ask ourselves, [00:16:45] What do I need to do to stay calm and curious?[00:16:50]
We can also ask, How can I bring us together right now versus [00:16:55] pushing us apart? Remain calm and manage your own [00:17:00] emotions. Number eight, and this is a big one, you guys, [00:17:05] avoid personal attacks, use gentle and respectful [00:17:10] communication. Ephesians 429 encourages believers to [00:17:15] use words that build each other up and give grace to those who hear.[00:17:20]
So when you and I are engaging in disagreements, it is important to [00:17:25] communicate respectively and to choose gentle and encouraging words. If we [00:17:30] do this, we ensure that we can have a disagreement. Without personally [00:17:35] wounding the other person. So number eight, avoid personal [00:17:40] attacks. So there are, are eight ways, uh, to [00:17:45] engage in disagreements this holiday season around our tables or anywhere else [00:17:50] we may find ourselves.
If you would like the PDF copy of these eight tools, you can [00:17:55] find it in our show notes, or you can email podcast at reclaim story. [00:18:00] com and we'll send the link to you. So, we just went over [00:18:05] 8 different ways that we can posture ourselves to enter into [00:18:10] disagreements. To give us a mental picture of what this looks like, I want to do an [00:18:15] exercise with you.
And this is going to implement the concepts that we discussed today. [00:18:20] Now, unless you're driving. I want you to imagine someone that is [00:18:25] in your life that you care about, that you may even love, but you disagree with. [00:18:30] I want you to make a fist with your left hand and imagine that you are [00:18:35] holding on to your deeply held convictions in your left hand and hold them [00:18:40] tightly.
Squeeze that hand and feel your commitment to those things. [00:18:45] Now, without letting go of your left hand, extend your right hand [00:18:50] towards your friend. Don't let go of the convictions in your [00:18:55] left hand and don't let go of your handshake with your right. See, [00:19:00] this is the stance that Jesus modeled for us as he defined himself [00:19:05] repeatedly while inviting others to think about their own response to him, all [00:19:10] within relationships of grace.
So I hope that that [00:19:15] gives you a visual of clenching and holding your convictions, but also extending a [00:19:20] hand towards someone that you disagree with. Well, as we wrap [00:19:25] up this episode, it is inevitable that you will encounter [00:19:30] people who have different stories than you do, who believe differently and who [00:19:35] live life differently than you do.
I want to encourage you to [00:19:40] embrace discomfort while being kind to yourself. But [00:19:45] choose how you will engage with someone you disagree with, whether it's at the dining room [00:19:50] table, the soccer field, the grocery store, or at work. [00:19:55] When we embrace discomfort, we may feel a [00:20:00] fire in our belly to challenge those who disagree with us.
[00:20:05] If you choose to engage, I would like to remind us, me included, [00:20:10] what the Lord requires of us. To do that, let's take a look [00:20:15] at Micah 6, 8. In this passage, the Lord is [00:20:20] talking to Israel. Micah 6, 8 says, what does the [00:20:25] Lord require of us? To act justly, to love [00:20:30] mercy, and to walk humbly with our God. So let's [00:20:35] break that down.
To act justly. Many [00:20:40] heated topics today involve serious issues of injustice. [00:20:45] Many are a violation of the plan of God, and we can get hot over it. [00:20:50] You see, we were meant for justice, but there's a tension [00:20:55] between justice and mercy. See, justice says, I [00:21:00] hate this, but mercy says, but I can love those who [00:21:05] I disagree with.
We want justice, but mercy [00:21:10] can be very difficult. So when we disagree with someone, we need to [00:21:15] remember that mercy can open the door to change. [00:21:20] You can speak truth and show mercy. The [00:21:25] balance is an unrelenting invitation for change. [00:21:30] And the reality is our intense passion for justice being lived out [00:21:35] with mercy is more than we can do on our own.
It's hard. [00:21:40] See, we need humility with God in order to live out justice and mercy [00:21:45]together, and we may not always do it right. But friends, [00:21:50] would you keep trying? Would you keep trying? [00:21:55] Pursue justice, yet don't forget your need and the other person's need [00:22:00] for mercy. And let's do it all in humility, hand in hand [00:22:05] with our God.
Thank you for joining us today. I hope these [00:22:10] eight tools will be helpful as you gather around the table this holiday season [00:22:15] with people who may not always agree with you. If you would like the [00:22:20] PDF copy of these eight tools, you can find it in our show notes or you can [00:22:25] email podcast at reclaim story.
com for the link, and we'll send it over to [00:22:30] you. If you found this podcast helpful, please share it with a friend and we [00:22:35] will see you same time, same place in two weeks. Thanks [00:22:40] for listening. I pray you found hope in today's conversation and maybe [00:22:45] even feel a little less alone in your story. Stay connected with us on Facebook and [00:22:50] Instagram at Reclaimed Story.
Want to learn more about living a reclaimed [00:22:55] life and how you can be a part of our growing community of reclaimers? Check out our website [00:23:00] at reclaimedstory. com. All of those links and more will be in the show notes. [00:23:05] And if you enjoyed this inspirational podcast, be sure to subscribe, [00:23:10] rate, and review. Not only will you be the first one to know when new content comes out, [00:23:15] but it is also a huge help in helping us reach more people to live the [00:23:20]reclaimed life.