Shattering Shame ~ Valerie L. McMahon Ep. 74

Shame. Maybe you have heard at one point in your life, "Shame on you." Shame is a complicated and pervasive feeling. It can leave us with an innate sense of feeling worthless, unworthy, or deeply flawed.  

If we want to live the reclaimed life, we must shatter shame. In the next five episodes, we will bring in guests who have not only worked to conquer shame in their lives but now help others to do the same. It’s going to be a great month. We hope that instead of hearing "Shame on you," you can reverse that narrative and begin to embrace “Shame off you.”

Resources from today's episode:
Books: The Cure: Bruce McNicol, Bill Thrall, John Lynch
The Soul of Shame: Curt Thompson MD.

I don’t think it is a coincidence that one of the most popular necklaces in our jewelry line at reclaimed story says, "I am valued, I am loved, I am enough, I am not alone." 

Who in your life needs to know that truth today? Head to www.reclaimedstory.com and grab a necklace for yourself or a friend and share the truth of Jesus' unconditional love.
You can find that necklace HERE. 

We have an Ebook for you if you struggle with thoughts of not being enough, not being qualified, or feeling overlooked. Be sure to click on the show notes or go to www.reclaimedstory.com to grab your copy of our free Ebook to help you combat those lies with the truth of what God'sWord has to say over you.

CLICK HERE to receive your FREE E-book

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Here are two FREE Ebooks for you!
1. Shame Off You: 10 steps to shattering shame in your life, HERE.
2. ABC's: CLICK HERE for a FREE E-book to help you combat lies and replace them with God's truth. For more encouragement, check out some of our offerings at www.reclaimedstory.com

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Transcript

Transcript is auto-generated


SUMMARY KEYWORDS

shame, jesus, reclaimed, shatter, sin, valerie, story, god, conviction, life, thought, unworthy, truth, book, christ, write, guilt, relationships, condemn, podcast

SPEAKERS

Valerie McMahon, Denisha Workizer

Denisha Workizer  00:00

Shame. Maybe you've heard at one point in your life shame on you. Shame is a complicated and pervasive feeling. It can leave us with an innate sense of feeling worthless, unworthy or deeply flawed. But if we're going to live the reclaimed life, we need to shatter shame. So in the next five episodes as we bring in guests, who not only have worked to conquer shame in their own lives, but now they help others to do the same, it is going to be a great month. And our hope is that instead of hearing Shame on you, you can reverse that narrative and begin to embrace shame off you. So before Valerie and I kick off this mini series on shame, I don't think it's a coincidence that one of our most popular necklaces in our jewelry line at reclaim story says on it, I am valued, I am loved, I am enough. And I am not alone. Because those four statements shatter shame in our lives. So who do you know that needs that truth today, head on over to reclaim story.com And maybe grab a necklace for yourself or for a friend. And let's share those messages that shatter shame. We super appreciate support with our jewelry line is that helps support the ministry of reclaim story and also this podcast living the reclaimed life. So, let's get started with this mini series on shattering shame. Welcome to Living the Reclaim life Podcast. I'm Tanisha. We're glad you're here for conversations that revive hope, inspire healing and encourage you to live a vibrant life with Christ. So grab a cup of coffee as we chat with today's guest. So today, it is Valerie and I. Hello. But we picked October as a great time to shatter shame.

Valerie McMahon  01:58

Yes.

Denisha Workizer  02:00

So now what are your thoughts as we dive in, we have so much great information for you in this podcast, from personal stories to you want to stay to the end because we are releasing a new ebook this month. And we're going to tell you about that. And also we are going to be giving you practical application on how to handle when shame comes up in your life. So Valerie, when we when you first came up with shattering shame, what were you What were you thinking what came to mind?

Valerie McMahon  02:27

Well, I think as if you follow the episodes right before this one, we talked a lot about lies and the lies we believe. And I think shame takes over when we are believing those lies when we are believing that we are not just oh, I did that. Oh, I feel so bad about that. But we start to believe we are what we do, like we are the wrong that we do. We are a mess up. We are a screw up that difference between Oh, I did something wrong. Oh, okay, I'll do better next time, too. I am wrong. And so yeah, I think shame is definitely something that I don't think we talk about enough. And we're going to talk about why. Right? We don't talk about it enough. Because we are ashamed to talk about shame and to share that we're struggling with shame with others so

Denisha Workizer  03:24

and yet that's part of our solution, which we'll get to as well. That's part of our solution is relationship and bringing those things to the light that the enemy would love to have us put in the darkness. Yes, yeah. So you might be thinking, Okay, I know what shame is. And you know, I thought so too. And as Valerie and I took a really huge dive into learning about shame, here's some things that shame tells us, you are bad, you are worthless, not worthy. It's a feeling that we are just plain bad. Personally, a belief that we are unworthy of love, that we don't belong, that who we are is not okay, not accepted, not even acceptable. Shame can come in as early as 15 months old. Wow. And so it is the one of the earliest emotions that we can feel and experience and that's why it takes longer to unpack. That's why it builds upon each other. Whereas, you know, a little kid spills something and they feel shame for spilling it that gets toppled on top of other voices of shame and next thing you know, we're you know, later in life and we have a lot of shame piled up on us. And it is really embedded into the larger story of our lives. And just like you just said, What is it encouraged us to do, to cover up to hide to hide?

Valerie McMahon  04:50

We talked about the lies last month of how the devil deceives us with with certain lies that makes us doubt what God said. And there is is a great book, then we're going to give a resource or resource list at the end of the podcast about different things we mentioned. But there is a wonderful book. Well, actually, I gotta say Tanisha. When I first was handed this book, I didn't think it was so wonderful. And she knows who she is. She's listening who gave me the book, and I'm so thankful, but it's called the cure and it's written by Lench. McNichol and Thrall, and you can get it on Amazon anywhere. But anyway, it the whole premise of the book is what if God isn't who you think he is, and neither are you. And I love this quote, in the book where it talks about what shame is, and it says, shame is hiding what you now believe is true about yourself. Again, going back to that, I've done something wrong. I'm bad, I'm a terrible person. And so you're wanting to hide what not necessarily is true, but what you believe is true. You don't just believe you've done something wrong, you are convinced something is now uniquely and terribly wrong with you, you are believing that you are the only one like this, that you are bad. There's nobody else that's messed up as bad as you and that Denise should. That's what creates that cover up, which is what Adam and Eve did, right? They covered up their exposure, their nakedness, they covered up their shame. And that's what we do, too. We believe that we have to hide we have to cover because we think we're the only one that has done this. We are the only one that is like this.

Denisha Workizer  06:38

You know, when you say that the passage comes to me. It's in Genesis three. And it's verse 11. And it's right after Adam and Eve said we had because we were naked. And the Lord says, Who told you that you were naked? So who told you that? And so as you just said that? Yeah, who told us that? You know, who told

Valerie McMahon  07:01

us you were bad? Yeah, you told us you. Yeah, who told you that you are unworthy

Denisha Workizer  07:06

conviction says I did something bad. Condemnation or shame says I am bad. The enemy wants us to believe that in the voice of shame and condemnation, that we lied, we're liar. conviction, the Holy Spirit wants to say, Hey, I saw that and you are so much better than that. Let me bring you up. And that's where confession repentance. And that comes into our story. So that is the biggest difference, I think, because some, the conviction is good. We want you know, the Holy Spirit to show us that we've done something that is not our character, not who God intends for us to be. But yet, there is such a stark difference, as you mentioned, between shame and condemnation versus conviction.

Valerie McMahon  07:57

Yeah, because as you know, the Bible talks a lot about guilt. And that guilt, I mean, that is, in many ways, a gift, a gift from God, He created us to, to, to know what to know that when we're out of sync to know that we have sinned. And that guilt that we feel that conviction to Nisha, that's what should lead us to the cross. Right? I mean, guilt leads you to the cross. And the cross is where Jesus paid for that said, he already paid for it. He just wants us to come and lay it, lay it at his feet so that we don't have to carry that guilt and carry that shame because shame leads us to condemnation. Guilt and shame, are two different things.

Denisha Workizer  08:44

That voice of shame or those condemning thoughts. They play in our minds over and over and over. And if we were to sit down and write out the thoughts that create shame, the thoughts that tell us we're bad, worthless, you know, the feeling those feelings that we are unworthy of love that we don't belong, chances are those have an origin somewhere. Sometimes it is just in our head, but sometimes we can experience shame from other people. That might be feedback, negative feedback, not constructive criticism, but perhaps negative feedback you've got from others. It can be those awesome keyboard warriors that we've referred to before online,

Valerie McMahon  09:26

tearing that phrase, shame on you. Yes, shame on you. Maybe you've heard that as a child. How many times have Have you heard that in your life? Shame on you.

Denisha Workizer  09:37

And when I have heard that it's been from somebody who I loved and loved me. Yeah, and that's confusing. In this episode, we really want to talk about how to begin to take captive our thoughts to the obedience of Christ. How do we renew our mind from bots and messages of shame, to those of love and acceptance and relationships with others and I, Valerie, you pulled a great story out of the Bible that I think just so is a perfect picture of how the difference between condemnation and Jesus.

Valerie McMahon  10:15

It's titled A woman caught in adultery. But it comes out of John eight. And I'm just going to read it. It's a short story. But I want you to especially pay attention to the voice of the critics, which is going to come from the crowd that actually the religious leaders who thought they were doing the right thing, and then hear what the voice of Jesus says. So John eight, it says, They went each to his own house, but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning, he came again to the temple, all the people came to him. And he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery. And the punishment that time danisha was stoning. So basically killing, excuse me, killing her, and placed her in the midst. They said to him, Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say this, they said, to test him and that they might have some charge to bring against Jesus, Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And scholars today say I wonder what he wrote. As they continued to ask him he stood up and said to them, and this is what I want our readers or listeners to really hold on to today, let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her. Wow. And once more, he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one beginning with the older ones. And Jesus was left alone with a woman standing before him. And this is what he says to her. Jesus stood up and said, Woman, where are they? Where are your critics? Right? Where are your accusers? Has no one condemned you? No, one Lord. And Jesus said, Neither do I go and send no more. That's such a beautiful story to show that, yeah, not only can we have that inner bully, that inner critic, but how often we listen to those critics around us whether intentional or not intentional, the message is we've been spoken. And I love that Jesus is right, he could ask that of me right now. Like, if anybody is without sin, I may not have a stone in my hand. But sometimes donation is sometimes my words, when you are the most critical of yourself, you are often the most critical of other people. It's kind of that shame that hiding, like I don't want anybody know what I think about myself. So I'm just gonna, like, you know, just make everybody else feel miserable, too. But I love Jesus, like, no one is without sin. How can you accuse somebody else when you are standing in front of this woman who deserves just as much grace and forgiveness as I willing to give you? And of course, they didn't know it yet. But Jesus came to fulfill the law. He came to bring grace. But yeah, I just love what Jesus says that he doesn't. He doesn't leave the woman, he gently draws her out and says, yes, what you've been doing is not the best I have for you. But I'm not going to condemn you. I want to say go and be free. And what I think about Denise is that shame wants us to sit in condemnation, right? Shame wants us to stay there. But Jesus wants to set us free. And that's what we want to hold on to.

Denisha Workizer  13:43

We wouldn't allow someone to talk to our kids, the way we talk to ourselves, right? And we would stand up to a bully at school or you know, say, Hey, don't talk to my child that way. Yet, the way we talk to ourselves guys, can be harsher than anything someone else would ever say to us. We know who puts shame on us. We know that that comes from evil. But what does Jesus say? And that is a great invitation to step into the truth of what he says about you.

Valerie McMahon  14:15

Che makes us want to push everyone away. Even Jesus, Denise I mean, that's what like, shame wants us to run away from Jesus. Jesus says, I already know what you did. I already know what you're gonna do. And I love you, you are worthy, because of what I have done. I mean, think of that, like think of that. It's almost like an oxymoron. It's like you are you may feel unworthy about what you have done. But you are made worthy but by what I have done and what he has done, as we know he has paid for our shame or guilt or sin on the cross. And I want to read another verse Galatians two You 20 It's so powerful because I think this is a key kind of a key shift, and how we can start shattering shame and what we believe. And in Galatians 220, it says this, I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me, and gave himself for me. So what's that? What that saying is that we are no longer ourselves. Really, I mean, we are still donation Valerie, but because we are in Christ, Christ is in us and the cure. The book I mentioned earlier on page 52, it says this, I am, quote unquote, Christ in me, on my worst day, in my worst thought, doing my worst temptation. I'm like, oh, Denisa, that undid me right there. It's that we always say me, shame wants us to think that Jesus is across the room, that he's like, okay, you know, I gotta get to you again. And he's like, no, like, I'm right next to you like, we are going to deal with a sin together. And that's another thing, Shame does a shame makes us think we have to manage our sin on our own, we keep sinning, we fail, then we start to feel unworthy, then that's when shame comes in. And we keep distancing ourselves from God. And Jesus is saying, when you accepted me as your Lord and Savior, when you accepted my sacrifice on the cross for your sin, you and I became one, I am in you, like you said, the Holy Spirit, I am within you, you are within me, I you can say that it's no longer you who live, but that Christ lives in me. And that's who we carry around with us on our worst day, in our worst thought I just, that's, I need to unpack that. Even more. That's just wow, that's just powerful.

Denisha Workizer  17:01

I think. Yeah, that is super, super powerful. We look for ways, what would work to shatter shame, right? Yeah. And I think that cycle, that kind of vicious cycle you just mentioned, that is a way that we will not shatter shame on I can say personally to that I have found myself in that cycle is you're talking what here's what's coming to mind is the nights that I know, you know, we have we have four kids. You have four kids, do we have eight children between the two of us. But we all find myself going, Oh, I should go do this. And that, you know, I should go play a game. I should go sit down and hang out with the kids. And then I start feeling bad. Because I'm not. I mean, this is just personally played out for me, as you said that I start feeling bad about myself and start feeling bad of like, oh, I should go do that. Turns into I'm not a good mom. I'm not a good mom. I'm not there for my kids turns into now I want to avoid that feeling. So now I'm going to do something to escape the feeling. Which doesn't mean I run up and play with my kids. It means I scroll through Facebook. Yeah. And then I blink and two hours has gone by, which puts me right back in that cycle. If I'm not a good mom, see, I didn't go up and hang out and play with him. And then from that, I try to mask it. So the next night, I mean, this is just what I'm thinking. I can see myself laying on the couch scrolling through Facebook being like I'm tired from my day, yet I should and I wonder how often shaitan starts with the word should

Valerie McMahon  18:39

yeah, I was you know, that is so funny. Donita I was really thinking this morning about the should have would have could have Yeah, that is like shame in a nutshell. You know, I should have I if I if I only would have I could have done better you know, Oh, those are Yeah, let's just shatter those words right now.

Denisha Workizer  19:00

Can we even pause right there and say maybe it was okay. That I was laying on my couch scrolling through Facebook debriefing my brain a little bit from my day. Yeah, but my my should have turned into guilt and shame. What works for shattering shame,

Valerie McMahon  19:17

standing against it facing it. I know that's hard. But that really is one of the first steps

Denisha Workizer  19:22

we know that that is healed within relationships relationships with the Lord right in relationships with other people to be in areas where there can be a common humanity where it's oh you have issues I have issues you to exactly where we can be seen known and loved. Right? Yeah, shame must be healed there love.

Valerie McMahon  19:43

But I love the verse and James James 516 is like confess your sins one to another so you can be healed. You know, Jesus is the one that forgives us of our sins, but there is healing in confession there is healing and bringing things to the light to shame wants us to hide, but we need to, to have that courage to reengage with relationships that are safe and that are going to allow us to heal. But then seeing ourselves, right, like, seeing ourselves not as what we are, but what as what we can become. Again, I know, I keep quoting the care, like I said, you all are gonna go order the book after this podcast. But there's a line in the cure that also says that the Christian life is about maturing into what we already are. So that, you know, Ephesians, one says that God shows us before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless, God shows us and sees us, even before we come to him to confess, he already sees us as clean. And so the idea of that we don't, we got to start reframing and seeing ourselves not as what we are now. But as who we are becoming, that we're become that we will become the way God already sees us. And that, you know, like you mentioned before, that's part of that reframing,

Denisha Workizer  21:10

we're actually putting out an e book later this month, and that's going to become called shame off you. And we're going to really break down what shame is, how it enters our lives. And then practical things that we can do, just as we saw Jesus, take the words of the crowd and reframe those into the truth of what he had to say. We want to encourage you if you have some time this week, and this particular topic is on your heart. Write down some of this shame messages, some of the shame voices, those those core scripts that we hear in our minds playing over and over that we've heard, maybe write them down on an index card, and on the back of them, right the truth. And this is going to stretch you a little bit because we might wait. You may need to go and look up scriptures. What does the Bible say about me that would contradict this message of shame that I've been hearing.

Valerie McMahon  22:02

And you could even talk about relationships. Again, we all have those people in our lives who can speak truth to us. So even just asking a friend, a trusted friend, you know, what kind of you know, I don't feel like a good mom. What kind of mom Am I like what, you know, recently on our Facebook page, we, we challenge you to compliment yourself? And I love that, you know, so like just what compliment would you give yourself? You know, that can be that truth that shatters that shame. But if you're struggling, and maybe you're even struggling to believe what God says about you ask a good friend, ask a friend and say, hey, you know, what strings do I have? As a mom? You know, like, like, what do you appreciate about me as a friend? You know, I guarantee you there's gonna be somebody who can speak speak that truth to you. So yeah, God and a good friend.

Denisha Workizer  22:56

That is awesome. Yes. So yeah, maybe writing them down on index cards or pieces of paper and on the back writing the truth. So when those core thoughts come mind tends to be I am not enough. Mine tends to be I'm not qualified. Those are some some miners

Valerie McMahon  23:12

I should have known better. Oh, I should have Yeah,

Denisha Workizer  23:15

yeah. Those are some of the core things that as they come forth, writing down the truth, that you are worthy, that you are enough, because Christ is enough. Even

Valerie McMahon  23:27

if you are still trying to figure out what this God thing is all about. You know, we want you to hear loud and clear today that, that Jesus did Jesus God's son came and died for you. He thought of you. I love the song by Matthew West. With you, I think me on your mind, I think that's what it's called. I encourage you to listen to that. I just love the words. It's like he said, You know that I was on your mind. And I you know, I don't think about that enough that when Jesus was dying on the cross, you know, he had me on his mind. I mean, that is just unfathomable. But just hanging on to that truth. That whether you've known Jesus a long time, or you're just getting to know Jesus is that you are always on his mind, and he loves you.

Denisha Workizer  24:16

I want to end today with a quote from Curt Thompson. He has a fantastic book. In addition to the cure that Valerie mentioned, another great resource on shame is by Curt Thompson, it's called the soul of shame. And he said that it is intended shame is intended to disrupt and devour God's intended mission for this to be a place cultivated by beauty and goodness. So friends as we step forward to shatter shame together, may we see the goodness and the beauty of the Lord in the land of the living will see you next week. Thanks for listening. I pray you found hope in today's conversation, and maybe even feel a little less alone in your store. worry. Stay connected with us on Facebook and Instagram at reclaimed story. Want to learn more about living a reclaimed life and how you can be a part of our growing community ever claimers? Check out our website at reclaimed story.com. All of those links and more will be in the show notes. And if you enjoy this inspirational podcast Be sure to subscribe rate and review. Not only will you be the first one to know when new content comes out, but it is also a huge help and helping us reach more people to live the reclaimed life.